What happened

[`]

I still really don't understand, I really don't get what happened to me in Straight. I mean, what did they do to turn me into a Straightling. Did they do something that made me literally psychotic, or was I before and that made me extremely weak in there? Did previous abuse and neglect make it harder for me to see what was so wrong there? Has anyone else experienced paranoia to the extent that they would rather be homeless than live in an "exposed" place? I would like to figure this out because i seem consistently able to screw my life up and never get anywhere and also because i know this question is fairly central to everything i mean the way i have experienced my life and the way i conceive of myself. i mean, if i have a mental or emotional problem, or whatever, and you know, i think that feeling like you don't (or can't) exist is kind of a mental problem, then what happened, or was I always like this and Straight just made everything more painful. if someone reads my post and sees themself in them and the crashing and you found a way out of that it might help me.

[Anonymous]

For god's sake, girl, get a diagnosis and collect some crazy pay.

[Erinys]

Hello FKA,
I see some things I've known in your post. I hope to be able to respond to you. I'm starting my workday now, and I'll need  time for a careful reply to post back to you.

You exist! yes, you do. Breathe deep.

A bishop keeps on saying at the age of eighty what he was told to say at the age of eighteen.
--Oscar Wilde

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2005-03-18 06:15:00, Erinys wrote:

"Hello FKA,

I see some things I've known in your post. I hope to be able to respond to you. I'm starting my workday now, and I'll need  time for a careful reply to post back to you.



You exist! yes, you do. Breathe deep.

A bishop keeps on saying at the age of eighty what he was told to say at the age of eighteen.
--Oscar Wilde

"

 :nworthy: I was just about to post something very similar.  Hang in there, I've felt that way many times.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
--Bastard Administrator

[ehm]

On 2005-03-17 22:35:00, formerly known as wrote:

"I still really don't understand, I really don't get what happened to me in Straight. I mean, what did they do to turn me into a Straightling. Did they do something that made me literally psychotic, or was I before and that made me extremely weak in there? Did previous abuse and neglect make it harder for me to see what was so wrong there? Has anyone else experienced paranoia to the extent that they would rather be homeless than live in an "exposed" place? I would like to figure this out because i seem consistently able to screw my life up and never get anywhere and also because i know this question is fairly central to everything i mean the way i have experienced my life and the way i conceive of myself. i mean, if i have a mental or emotional problem, or whatever, and you know, i think that feeling like you don't (or can't) exist is kind of a mental problem, then what happened, or was I always like this and Straight just made everything more painful. if someone reads my post and sees themself in them and the crashing and you found a way out of that it might help me."

Yes. I hate the idea of anyone "official" knowing where I am. I'm scared of my life suddenly being taken away. Ever since my daughter was born I've feared someone would try to take her from me. Ever since Straight I've had anxiety and fear about simply existing. There has seemed to be a strong negative self-judgement that has followed me though the years, like I have to be something, or I'm nothing.

Not to mention, Straight hammered the nails into the coffin for my mother and I. We have never had a relationship since. I'm not sure if Straight did this or not, my mother being the control freak that she is, was doing a pretty good job of making me fear/hate her long before Straight, and Straight being my second ?treatment,? my first being at a ?wilderness therapy? place, aka a bootcamp.

Incarceration for years when you've done nothing illegal, and you are just a kid, fucks with your head.

[`]

[ This Message was edited by: ..... on 2005-06-02 16:58 ]

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2005-03-18 06:56:00, Morli wrote:

Ever since my daughter was born I've feared someone would try to take her from me.

Happened to me.  Over-zealous program 'grandparents' (to my kids, they were mine and my ex's folks) hired an attorney who waw partners with a Straight board member.  Those kis were gone before I even knew what happened.

Not to mention, Straight hammered the nails into the coffin for my mother and I. We have never had a relationship since. I'm not sure if Straight did this or not, my mother being the control freak that she is, was doing a pretty good job of making me fear/hate her long before Straight,

Same here,except its my dad.  I tried for years and years to be 'good enough' for him.  Somehow I never was and now we haven't spoken in years.  Sad thing is when he cut me out of his life, he also virtually cut my kids out too.  Ain't tough love grand?? :roll:

Men seldom, or rather never for a length of time, and deliberately, rebel against anything that does not deserve rebelling against.

--Thomas Carlyle

_________________
St. Pete Straight
early 80s

[PerfectStraightling]

Sorry about your kids, Cayo Hueso.

I think for me my dad was a lot like the staff members at straight, always angry, and he never had anything positive to say. I think that I went into straight already feeling somewhat insecure and that was absolutely the last place I should have been sent. It took all of those insecurities and magnified them by 1000, and left ideas in my head that have taken me years to sort through. I think I understand what you're saying.

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2005-03-18 10:38:00, JMA wrote:

"Sorry about your kids, Cayo Hueso.

Thanks, I got 'em back  :smile: (and they're all grown up now  :cry:) , it was all just a bunch of bullshit.  Amazed me how much power Straight and anyone connected with them wielded.  There were not even abuse allegations!!!  I had left my husband, his parents owned the house we rented, my dad pulled the 'tough love' shit and wouldn't let me live with him til I could get on my feet.  The basis for taking the kids was that I had no permanent place to live.  

I always knew that Straight fucked me up, but I didn't realize the depths of it and how many areas of my life it reached into until I started talking to others who were there, especially talking with others who were there at the same time, in the same program.  It's like a cancerous tumor that has tentacles speading out everywhere.

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
--Albert Einstein

[Erinys]

I had a long boring post ready to go. But perhaps I am not  qualified to comment.

I eluded captivity and the damage that the others have spoken of. I am grateful, but in this case, diminished, because I escaped the experience that  informs your terror.

I do know the feeling of hiding, I do know the choice of rejection of the trappings of prosperity for the sake of my freedom.  And there is a kind of freedom there!

I'm beginning to run on again... but I wanted to respond. It does matter to me!

Perhaps this is just a silly ritual, but the next time I come to a place where road and water meet I will pause, and think of you, and send  prayer/energy/coppercoin, (whatever word you choose, means some part of me - let go) along the tide to you.

Love you - Stand up! (or take a nap, or a drink or do whatever you like! You deserve it!)

No synonym for God is so perfect as Beauty. Whether as seen carving the lines of the mountains with glaciers, or gathering matter into stars, or planning the movements of water, or gardening - still all is Beauty!
-- John Muir

[Dr. Miller Newton]

Love you - Stand up!

Love ya, have a seat! (You deserve it!)

[Erinys]

If I show up.

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.
--Napoleon Bonaparte, French emperor

[Dr. Miller Newton]

Oh, you'll show up allright.....we'll see to that, won't we Fucktard?

[Dr Fucktard]

We sure will, Virgil. My SIBS hacker has his IP logged already..

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2005-03-18 11:45:00, Erinys wrote:


I eluded captivity and the damage that the others have spoken of.

I think I remember reading that you had a sibling in the program.  How did you manage to avoid being dragged in too?

Apologies if I have you mixed up with someone else, happens to me frequently.  Ya know the whole 'short term memory loss' thing. :wink:

We must create an atmosphere where the crooked cop fears the honest cop, and not the other way around.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00006JU7T/circlofmiamithem' target='_new'>Frank Serpico