i think about something like standing up at open meeting to "talk about the time i used lsd", this was sometime in the first week i think
and i don't want to do anything anymore. fuck. i really can't take what happened.
i talked with an old friend last night. he remembers i was coming unglued even before straight. from abuse or mental illness, he said it is not something that can be separated really.
but to have been someone before and then be like a zombie, it is too much to know that about myself.
but he said "do you think you are being too hard on yourself?"
i was supposed to be able to see everything, all the bs in our society, but i caved so fast. i really think i was tired of holding up all the rebellion, this was justified rebellion. or maybe it was crazy, but they yelled and hit me while the neighborhood was watching and left me sitting with a broken foot, my little sister had to get the ice for me, things like that, so i guess i could not respect them anymore.
i cut my arms and legs before i was locked up, that is how bad things were.
i was tired. i was sleepwalking my first night in, i felt something like sick disbelief that i was locked up.
my friend reminded me that everything they were doing was designed to get to me, like the lie of going to family counseling, and then i'm in an intake room and i can't leave because the girls i was talking to would not let me.
i know i write a lot of crazy stuff here. i cry all the time these days. i cry reading other people's posts, or hearing they were too weak to even walk.
i edited out the happiness and other bullshit.[ This Message was edited by: formerly known as on 2005-03-02 03:25 ]
