I'll take a stab at this. I went through an abusive program years ago. Hell, I even married another grad. We had two kids. We divorced when they were young. When the oldest was 16 she got into a lot of trouble. Ecstacy, failing school, violent mood swings (took a broom handle to her sister's room) etc. Now, my ex married an avid AAer and he became involved in AA after getting a DUI. When our daughter was going through this, and it was over a period of a little over 3 years, we were at our wits end. Didn't know what to do. The ex and his wife came to me and said they were going to put her in a program. I said, "OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY". They kept telling me that she would end up in jail or dead if we didn't put her somewhere. We fought and fought over this. I won. She never went in. She did, however, scare the ever loving shit out of me for quite a while. The only thing I could do, aside from the endless talks we had, groundings etc....was let her go and let her experience her own consequences. Not the ones I had set up for her, but real life consequences. She screwed around for about another year or so. I have to say that these 3 or 4 years were the absolute hardest of my life....harder than being in my program (which says a lot). But, once she finally began to grow up a little, things gradually got better and better. She's doing fine now. She drinks occasionally, takes a hit off a joint now and then (oh, I know...people will tell me she's still a druggie :roll:) has a scholarship for college and is ready to tackle life. She told me that the pressure of living under AA/program mentality was entirely too much for a child. Mistakes are not mistakes, they're 'character flaws', if you smoke a joint you're going to DIE...and on and on and on.
Looking back on this I see a lot that I would have done differently and a lot that I wish my ex had done differently. When parents have a kid who is acting up, and I don't mean just a little talking back, they don't know how to deal with it. If they've ever been caught smoking a joint, or if their grades drop, or if their friends change, or if they're depressed etc. then everything is blamed on the evil drug. Not so. It creates an environment where the it's ALL a life or death situation. Parents who buy into all the scare tactics that these places use (you child will be deadinsaneorinjail if you leave here) are setting themselves and their children up for a lifetime of pain, self doubt and fear.
There is no easy answer for this and my approach may not work for everyone. But, DAMN. I had these people telling me that she was going to DIE if we didn't hurry up and get her into a program. She didn't. She's fine now. Yes, there were some scary times, more than I care to remember....certainly more than what I did before I was placed in a program. And what of all these other kids who are 'recommended' for programs but the parents have enough sense NOT to do that? Are they all dead too??? Don't believe the hype.
This discussion could also go into the entirety of the 'drug war culture' too, but I'm not going there unless asked and on a different thread then. It's a touchy, touchy subject.
