I've talked about this with survivors before, but I don't think I ever posted anything about it in a thread. I talked about it again last night with someone, and I figured I should probably post my philosophy about the lifespan of trauma and transcending your own suffering.
Some of us feel that trauma will never leave. Others feel ashamed because we think it should be gone already. Others just deny there still might be an issue. Some of us have felt all three at some point in our post-program lives.
Trauma is plutonium.
From the minute the traumatic experience ceases, the clock is ticking.
Every time you have an epiphany, every time you transcend a demon, every time you understand something you didn't before, it halves itself.
In the same way that plutonium has a half-life, so does trauma. It never completely goes away, only (hopefully) gets to a manageable level where there is minimal toxicity and you are able to be a high-functioning human being again.
How to do this? Well, what happens when a reactor has a meltdown? Remember Chernobyl? They encased it in concrete and evacuated the area. The concrete is not a repression of the trauma, rather, it is an acknowledgment of its danger. Trauma must be respected for the poison that it is, but at the same time, you can't succumb to it.
That is what the concrete is... and the evacuation... damage control. And, despite the fact that there is a highly radioactive reactor contained within cement, its nuclear pile is constantly depleting... becoming half of what it once was.
But it doesn't stop there. Chernobyl is visited (I believe) by scientists. To take readings. Re-asses the damage. Determine what stage the pile is at.
One woman from Kiev defiantly drives her motorcycle through Chernobyl on a regular basis, without protective gear, taking photographs that she puts online. She did this for years. As of yet, she has no signs of radiation poisoning or cancer. She documents the damage, bravely.
This is what we must do in order to heal. Get on our motorcycle and document the damage, knowing that if we do so, our well being, both physical and mental, will be taken care of.
It is an empty-handed leap into the void.
Repressing it, denying it, that is like leaving the reactor wide open to the elements, as if it weren't even there, allowing it to contaminate everything around it. It will still have a half life, but so will everything else, and that's when you start growing extra thumbs and maybe an additional eye or two. Kind of like the ultra-sadistic staff who went through the exact same program when they were teens. They were turned into monsters, mutants, by the poison. They are permanently damaged.
I would say they deserve pity, but some transgressions are unforgivable. I really don't have a whole lot of compassion for a post-apocalyptic zombie who tried to eat my friend's brain, you know?
So, the trauma must be respected, but also know that it is dying, every day that you draw breath. Sooner or later, it will not have the burn it once did. Maybe pangs, mild hauntings, discomfort when triggered, but you won't be critical anymore.
There is a good reason why what people go through after a traumatic experience is called "fallout".
