To address the issue of how I handled life after the Seed is where things get a little tangled. Speaking in the present tense I have anger. Anger at myself at the world and how difficult things have been. I have always taken pride in my resilience and fortitude and in my ability to move forward under much adversity. Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult for me when to other people they seem simple, just falling naturally into place.
I try to live a simple life without complications, yet the things I work and plan so hard for seem so elusive. I have no more tears to cry at this point and must admit on many occasions I have fought the urge of putting a gun to my head. On the outside I can look very happy and jovial but people who really know me, can see my mood swings and try hard to get out of me the thing that is tearing me so deep inside of my persona. I cannot explain things I cannot understand or put my finger on. I can only describe it as some deeply entrenched frustration stemming from my inability to move forward with my life. This frustration is all encompassing from my failed relationships, businesses but above all from failure to really leave a mark in this world. There is no sadder thought to me than the thought of not being remembered as if one had never had existed.
One thing the Seed really taught me is to think of the people around you and your affect on them. I certainly do not want to bring pain on anyone and only want to help where I can. I do not want to allow this melancholy to get the best of me allowing my dark side to once again lurk it?s ugly head. Maybe tonight in the privacy of my space and all alone I will allow some tears to flow out, but as always, being careful to only revel the pain to myself. I can?t help to hear the words from some old distant memory from the Seed to get out of my head and quit feeling sorry for myself but, I think tonight I will give myself the luxury of letting out some of my pain to others in the name of bringing some depth to this forum and to better define the struggles all of us have had to bear with our transition to life outside the Seed.
I do believe there is a reason for this life, primarily to develop our soul in; understanding compassion, empathy and to be able to give truly and freely of my love. Could this be the to true happiness? We are suppose to give and expect nothing in return but when we feel we have received nothing in return I only feel used and unappreciated.
I can only hold on to the hope that during this life I will find a place or someone who will see more in me than just another face or stranger on the street.
Maybe by posting here I can find a new direction that will alleviate some of the pain and frustration that wallows deep inside of me,
I only post these thoughts hear because I feel here is the only group of people who are capable of understanding this type of inner pain due to the fact we all share the same past and background. I have had one hell of time trying to blend in with a so-called normal world and I have given up in trying to explain my experience of the Seed to outsiders.
As I sift through what I have seen and learned I find myself trying to develop my own homespun philosophy which will not only carry me through my life but also bring some true happiness and joy.
