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[Carmel]

I wish sometimes now that I hadnt complied at all.  Although, I still remember how some of those kids became so far removed and how painful the looks on their faces were after months and months of being on the floor.  As much as I wish I could have been "stronger" than the program....but there is still a deep painful sadness I observed in that choice that I may have avoided to some degree.

My reasons for complying were very simple.  I wasnt a drug user by any stretch really, however, I was very lonely and had just come out of 8 years of insane tyranny under my stepfather.  I WANTED to make things right with and for my mother.  I loved her very much when it came down to it, and I saw this as a chance to make it all right.  Little did I know that SHE was actually just as fucked as I was....not to mention at the very least 80% responsible for my survival mode behaviour previous to Straight.  It took me 9 long months to realize that I had indeed changed and healed, but that the situation around me in the Program continued to degenerate.

When I ran away, it wasnt because I was FOS or even because I wanted to leave the program, I wantd to suceed at something for once....at the time, I really wanted to be happier, period.  But I saw that what I believed in had all been a bunch of lies.  I dont attribute my compliance as weakness.  I had spent the better part of my life not compliying.  I saw it as an honest attempt at healing that I knew I sorely needed.  Too bad the choice of environments was so terribly wrong.

the war on drugs is but one manifestation, albeit a very dramatic one, of the great moral contests of our age -- the struggle between two diametrically opposed images of man: between man as responsible moral agent, 'condemned' to freedom, benefiting and suffering from the consequences of his actions; and man as irresponsible child, unfit for freedom, 'protected' from its risks by agents of the omnicompetent state.
--Thomas Szasz

[shady grove]

Pietra, I know those people. Kim S, right? Ran away with Heather together once. Kim ended up being a roomate with my step sis after straight in Colorado.

Jill...was she African American? I remember her having as really hard time, like us all.

[ This Message was edited by: shady grove on 2005-09-20 16:15 ]

[Froderik]

Jill...was she African American?

You mean black? :grin:

[Withdraw]

Sorry no content from last post...I typed it  , I really did.LOL, it went Poof!

 No, I dont remember that name Kelly . There was a Kelly R.

 When I was in Straight , Yep I thought of those who Complied as ~weak~.. then I grew up. I realized that we all did what ever it took to survive, knowing as individuals it was the best way for us. Like I said before I often "gamed " with the thought of there being something wrong w/ me because I could not comply... Sure I look back now and realize in small ways I had complied,and mostly removed myself from what was going on.
 In the end I have great Honor for all of us who endured Straight however we had to.

[shady grove]

Actually kind of a dark brown/mocha. However, many americans with skin of this melanotic content prefer the term "African American", so oblige them. Is that so wrong?

[Anonymous]

hey shady grove, don't know Kim's last name, but I hope that she was doing alright when you saw her in Colorado. Heather F. -- is that who you are thinking of?

did I mention this was springfield 87? I can't remember.

Jill who I am thinking of was not African American.

[Froderik]

Actually kind of a dark brown/mocha. However, many americans with skin of this melanotic content prefer the term "African American", so oblige them. Is that so wrong?

Whatever; I'd say the term is innacurate at best. (How about mixed or mulatto if that's the case?) Many blacks prefer the term "black" and find "African American" to be cumbersome, pretentious, and just silly, so I oblige them.

[Anonymous]

just call me Pale American, or more accurately, Pale and Blotchy American. mixed paleness/blotchiness. That's why I have a bag over my head.

[PerfectStraightling]

I think at first I thought the misbehaviors were stronger than everybody else, and then I changed my mind, not really changed my mind, but just started to forget what I really thought about everything. I started really trying to work the program and became convinced I would die if I left. Now I think it's not really about being strong or weak, at all. You do what you need to do to survive.

[Anonymous]

So your point is some people like African American and some like black.
OK so you mean they, like the rest of the world can have different opinions?
So your saying all ethnic people are not the same after all? (Oh no I added a third term didn't I)

Wow and to think I would have NEVER known that unless you shared...Thanks soooooo much!

Love YOU Froderick!!

[Froderik]

Thanks anon! :grin:

[misbehaver]

If "resistance is futile" I must have wasted 7 months fighting only to be removed to the psych ward to decompress. How long was the average phaser and family in the program? I took the shorter, harsher path to the endgame. Few did.

If your idea of "survival" includes doing harm to a peer (restraint,etc.) and turning your home into a prison for other kids, then you have no honor or personal integrity. That is collusion, not survival. There is no gray line here.

I'm not claiming superiority or trying to be arrogant; I am proud that I didn't fall into ranks with a clan of mindfucked snitches. I was fortunately gifted with 3D vision(ie. mindset):

1)Determined
2)Decisive
3)Deliberate

I saw through the program BS from day one and didn't fear the consequences of my resolve. They had no leverage on me and knew it. So did I. Jason

[mental torture made me li]

hi misbehaver,

I am interested in what your family was like. Did they withdraw you, or did Straight send you on? Did they back you up at some point when they realized how bad it was? Did you already know other people who had been in Straight, and so have some insight into the place when you first walked in?

Also, what happened to you in Straight as a result of, I am presuming, sitting still and refusing to "motivate"?

(When I was in, there was a point at which several "misbehavers" were allowed to sit there, doing nothing, but they had to sit several chairs apart and in the back row.)

I am just trying to understand what gave you this 3D vision and not other people.

[misbehaver]

I was adopted and used that fact to become a manipulative shithead. How many parents would let Santa bring their 14 yr old son a .45?
I got outta control and scared my folks; they thought Straight was the only rehab tough enough to kick my ass. It did. I was plenty miserable, but still 1)Determined (to fight). I did.

I was not pulled, but dragged to a psych ward after being threatened with transfer to Boston.
2)Decisive (get nasty fast or be sent to a place where my parents couldn't be manipulated). I planned and executed my exit from the program.
{see older post "Live at Last"}

Become 3)Deliberate and make it happen realtime. It worked and the psych staff were caring and helpful as I "decompressed" and returned home. So much for being court ordered.

That's the extent of my 3D vision. Kick ass, get home. No omnipotent guidance. My parents played into the staff's hand until they realized it was OVER. It was as though our family had been unburdened of some great shame or disgrace.

Early on, I was a regular on the floor and took some cheap shots, later I could see that most of the phasers/host homes were as miserable as I was. They kinda let some MBer's "relax"; one fine exec staff member even gave me a back rub during exec rap. I was on my way out. Game over.

Funny thing, being sent to my own home as a newcomer (seeing my home as prison) only strengthened my will. That experience, among others, forged me into the man I am. Jason

[shady grove]

I was fifteen years old and had been on the street for 2 years. You're damned right I had no honor or personal integrity. I had no idea what the concepts were. Straight would have been a great place to teach me these things, but alas, I digress...

I was thrown in an environment of intense peer pressure, of which most succumb. Kudos for not. You're a brave person.

There is a gray area, however, there always is. Everyone of us kept our integrity and true selves somewhere hidden. We all had our private forms of rebellion.

For me, it was never allowing myself to become violent to others no matter how mad or hurt I was. I do not beleive in hurting others and I never intentionally did. As a misbehaver, I simply turned into an eel when I was angry. How's that for the high road?

I briefly tried to work the program and move on off first phase. This was a cummulutive total of 2 months out of the 22 months I was in there. Anytime I got off first phase, fear gripped me unitl I ran away. I couldn't make the program work for me like so many around me could. Sure I yelled at people, desperately trying to believe I meant it and they deserved it, but everyone knew I was a faker. For those I traumatized, the guilt still haunts me.

But when you're scared and alone and really do want some kind of help, going along with the group is a form of survival. Beats being stood up in front of 200 people, half of them female and have someone tell everyone that you're like a crab louse, or that you masturbate, or that you're a pervert, etc.

Humiliation may be one of the most effective brainwashing techniques. Look at abu ghraib prison.