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Offline mental torture made me li

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« on: October 21, 2004, 10:38:00 PM »
[ This Message was edited by: mental torture made me like this on 2005-06-19 09:23 ]
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Offline Withdraw

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« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2004, 11:04:00 PM »
My principles did not get Lost . That is why I spent most of my time in Straight on the floor, hungry, thirsty, quiet, sitting on  my hands, lacking medical care, not seeing my own reflection, no extras, etc.. and fighting those who's principles were lost. I often wondered why most caved.... Cause yea, would you restrain a classmate ? Funny thing is had we all banded together then  , we could have beaten Straight...< snickers>
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Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2004, 12:00:00 AM »
hi withdraw. I would like to know what it was that gave you the strength and determination to do that, how you kept from giving in -- did you know something about Straight before you went in? Was it something about the way you were raised, or people in your life?

Myself I responded as predicted by the master plan: sit someone on front row when they come in and pretty much ignore them for three days, and they will come around...*  I think I was having a hard time with everything before I was put in Straight, and then there was this incredible mental pressure, and if I just gave in and believed that it was all my fault, as they were saying in Straight, that I had problems (instead of incredibly creative ways of coping with my life as I knew it -- bad home scene, etc) -- if I just gave in, it would be an answer and a relief to have an answer and a relief to acknowledge how rough things were in my life...

I really really wish that I had been like you, Withdraw. It still causes me pain to know that I gave in. This is part of dealing with all of the pain caused by my time there.

*the master plan I speak of is a known brainwashing technique, which I read in an old senate(?) document on Wes's site a long time ago, maybe I will dig it up again so other people can find it.
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Offline Withdraw

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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2004, 02:07:00 AM »
Im not real sure, I have always been a very rightous person. I do not bend easily. So I in turn had alot of negative feelings about myself because I didnt "give in" . Everyone around me was so I figured there was something wrong w/ me. Staff use to tell me " you know a normal person w/o a drug problem  would just give in and conform" So many Lies !  But for whatever the reason I just couldn't let them take my soul. Funny looking back now, They did take alot of it tho. Just being there watching it all go on, somehow messed me up pretty bad. Then to get out and no one could understand what I was saying about straight just led me to disassociate from it . Like it was a bad dream. I have so much compassion for the people who were in there. I still feel their pain along w/ mine. I will never forget the horror. Like I've posted beofre, I didn't wanna hurt other people in there, so in that I did "give in" I couldn't just randomly lash out. Sometimes today I wish I did just keep running for the door no matter who it hurt.
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Offline shady grove

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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2004, 01:55:00 PM »
Hey anon, I'm glad you said that. I've been reading some posts of people that are apparently stronger willed than I and they boast about how they refused to participate. For me, I felt I had to survive, and for me I new "resistance was futile"

My pain and the pain of many on here stems from what we had to do to survive, and how that burned us also. In fact, After my first month they reamed me for telling the truth...now my life was hell day AND night. They would keep me awake and the military showers and worst of all the disdain everyone had for me. It felt like a bad acid trip. I was never the same again. No, I was not strong enough to resist it. I was beaten. I was detoxing from PCP and alcohol for christ's sake!

You're not alone.
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Offline kpickle39

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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2004, 03:08:00 PM »
well y'all, I hate to say this, but I did give in.   I went in at 17, turned 18 six days after I "enrolled".  Was threatened with a court order if I did not enter willingly.  I was told that I could leave when I turned 18.  To my disappointment, I was not allowed to leave.  So on my 6th day (my birthday), asked to leave was told no and promptly bolted for an exit.  Of course I was gang tackled and restrained on the concrete floor by 5 goons.  These assholes then got to fuck w/me for about 2 hours or so while I was pinned to the ground.   That was the beginning of my 37 day fight.  It tried to bolt one more time and then just settled into being a jerk as we were called back then.  To break me, the staff sent a few guys further along to fuck with me non stop.  I got to sleep on a terrazo floor for that 37 day period with just a sheet.  No pillow, blanket or mattress.  I was put on food rations, and a mind fuck.  My oldcomer's loved to kick me to wake me up.  One of 'em even would beat off in front of me and told me it was cause he loved himself so much.....YUCK!   Around day 40 on my first phase, I realized that many many kids were not going home and I got scared that I'd waste away.  So, I played the game and went home on my 57th day, if I remember correctly.  

Why did I give in?   I wanted to go home, go back to school, sleep in a bed, eat decent food and and drink water at home, I got tired of being beat up in group, at my oldcomers house and at the drop offs.  I remember being at the 85 day jerks house as a drop off and his asshold brother would beat me with a pillow while he put baseballs or someother very hard objects in the pillow case.   I knew that I would be treated far better at my house, so I gave in.  I fucking hated that place.    

BTW - the 85 day jerk was ALWAYS good to me.  He actually tried to protect me from his evil brother.   Thanks Bob - I will always be indebted to you.
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Offline PerfectStraightling

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« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2004, 05:06:00 PM »
Quote
On 2004-10-21 23:07:00, Withdraw wrote:

"Staff use to tell me " you know a normal person w/o a drug problem  would just give in and conform" So many Lies !"


You're right, there were so many lies. You know if you had given in right away they would have told you that you were full of it then too, trying to manipulate your way out. It didn't really matter what approach you took, it was always wrong at first.
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Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2004, 09:34:00 PM »
I never thought of it before as days, but on 180+ days ,I was still on day ZERO w/ no T&R and still on consequences. Now after posting and getting out some of the anger, it's kinda funny to me in a weird way . I did beat them in the way I had to-to survive also.I remember I felt so bad for some of my host families and some of my Oldcomers, It musta been a huge Pain in the butt to have me as a newcomer on constant watch and consequences,LOL. Although there were alot of staff and some oldcomers who got off on the fact they could and were encouraged treat me badly and no one cared. =(  

Because I hardly spoke, I was often Thinking alot " What made these people want to treat me and so many others badly, They didn't know me. I didn't have a drug problem." Ya ' know I dont even recall anyone who was way Hardcore drug users in Straight, but I hear some of you say you were. I can respect that. It was so very confusing and has hanged the way I think of complete strangers. I know the deep,dark,abusive ways of humans all to well.
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Offline Withdraw

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« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2004, 09:35:00 PM »
Doh! That Anon post was me, But I am sure most of you knew that ..

PS. I cant edit my spelling error in the anon post on ** Changed * instead of hanged. last paragraph, lol

 Peace![ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2004-10-22 18:38 ]
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Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2004, 07:54:00 PM »
dear Withdraw, that is interesting that you had time to think. I guess by not playing the game at all, you were not concerned with being good all day, either looking the right way, thinking about what you were going to talk about, how to respond to someone else, etc.
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Offline Withdraw

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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2004, 08:22:00 PM »
Actually by like 5 months of being un responsive to their program, most had just let me do whatever , as long as I wasn't running or hurting someone. Like they all just gave up on me. That was the best time in Straight, I was all alone in a big crowd, but people stopped picking me out.I had alot of time in my head, and no one cared. Cept the weekly review I was always stood up during that.I'd usually yell back , get thrown to the floor, then it was time to go to the host house. I just became so disascoiated by that time, it no longer mattered what they did to me. Although now I know that  time in there  has left me not quite right....
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Offline Froderik

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« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2004, 09:31:00 PM »
Withdraw, do you remember a misbehaver named Kelly that was in while you were there?
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Offline Withdraw

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« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2004, 10:36:00 PM »
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Offline Froderik

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« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2004, 11:10:00 PM »
I'll take that as a yes... J/k.. :lol:
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Offline mental torture made me li

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« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2004, 11:46:00 PM »
[ This Message was edited by: mental torture made me like this on 2005-06-19 09:24 ]
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