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[misbehaver]

S.G., maybe you're correct about a "grey area" in Straight. There were some kids who'd misbehave, change, move on and cop out; then do it all over again and again and... Never seeming to be accepted by either peer group. Chameleons.

I'm not saying that at 15 I had a strong grasp on the concepts of honor or integrity. What I did know is that if something felt wrong, it probably was. I got that feeling from day one at Straight. I didn't care if they stood me up 20 times a day and tossed insults, I felt morally superior and derived strength from that fact. What were they gonna do? Toss me into a caldron and boil me alive? I just didn't fear them and  fear was a large part of what kept kids and their families anchored to the program. Jason

[Carmel]

Well, call me a snitch if you like...however, I very rarely ever restrained anyone, maybe two or three times.  I was the target of several physical attacks from kids which I did not come away from unscathed.  

And I didnt have a host home of my own.....I was from out of town and my host sister took great satisfaction in using me as slave labor in her house (one of the deciding factors of my escape).

Anyway, I dont see honor in integrity in either choice.  Being in that Program period left zero room for either of the concepts.  

I saw plenty of misbehaving kids who made life a hell for good hearted kids, and many mean spirited kids make life hell for good hearted misbehavers.  

Straight used our adolescent ability to manipulate and connive as a weapon, a tool of fear....and misbehaving was no small part of that dynamic.

Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion, in Constantinople, one who does.
--Ambrose Bierce

[Withdraw]

I have to agree the strenght in knowing I was not going to conform kept me alive. It was about integrity and honor, I would stand up and say that over and over. I guess that is why they finally kinda ~let me rot~, I also didnt spend over 6 months  in there, so what I did worked to get me out. either way I was left scarred forever.

[shady grove]

The insight you were able to have in there was really awesome. I think I might've actually thought there was a boiling cauldron somewhere. They put me on those 7 consequences after I was in there a month, and I tried to get in line real fast. But it wasn't b/c they were all that bad, I just hated having everyone I passed as I was going to piss look at me as like I was dogshit. And then stand me up and tell me so. And this was all b/c I was BEING honest. After a month I remembered that the night before I went in straight I used my asthma inhaler as a makeshift bowl to smoke pot in. It ended up in the med cart b/c it was in my coat when I was admitted. When I told them, the wole place freaked out b/c "i brought drugs in this sacred place".

Took me in a room, told me to sit, then pulled the chair out. Then the screaming, one guy after another. Big guys. I kept saying I was sorry, but they wouldn't listen. I had no idea what I did wrong. "This guy brought drugs into your group! What do you have to say to this guy?"

I think that set me up for a mind fuck that has never ended. I actually went in there reluctantly with the resolve that I would try to get help. Might as well, I needed it and I was here. This is the kind of help I began to receive. If my dad only knew.

[mental torture made me li]

Hi Geoffrey, that is awful to think about what they did to you. I do not know what was going on with other people when they were able to get in someone else's face and yell at them like that. I tried it once, more like from across the room, but I totally had no clue what to say except what I had heard other people say. I don't think I was good at that part.

So, I wonder if the guys who yelled at you were totally doing it because they felt put on the spot in there and had to make a good show. Can you imagine one of them saying "um, guys, can we chill out a little here? guys? okay, well, I'm not really into this, so I'm going to step out." I mean, can you imagine?

Or, they might have been really really mad. Who knows. Maybe some people were better yellers than me because they got yelled at more at home.

I hope it doesn't seem like I am just talking around what is probably an awful memory for you. More in my next post.

[shady grove]

Talk away. It's fine. I finally got the nerve up to start yelling. I would pretned to be pissed off. This was when I thought, "ok, I'm gonna make myself do this. Again, I wanted help. I was crazy. Yes, to get out also, but it was now almost 2 years. I had created a little familiar institutional environment for myself, but I wanted a change. So I would confront. I found I had to just stop thinking about what I was saying, kinda like inprov in theatre. And just say it as loud as possible. But the staff knew I didn't know what I was doing. They would often sit me down in mid-rant. I was jelly the whole time in there, everyone knew this wasn't me.

But you bring up something that I have mentioned before. These evil, twisted, monstrous guys that were screaming at me, were children also. In fact, I bet many had been screamed at in the beginning. (I'm finding out on fornits' that they had). So how can I be angry? I mean I am, but I also remember that they were victims, too. This is a tough concept for many on this forum, so I'll not press it.

And yes. To answere your original question, we are just weird.

[mental torture made me li]

but weirder in large numbers