No no, not at all! Let me tell you about a couple of the worst days. They weren't the couple of days I got roughed up. It was actually sort of liberating to just say what I really thought in there for once.
No, the demoralizing moments were when of a different nature. When staff came in and announce the formation of the 7th step society. Fuck! That changed my plans. It was hard to pull a face right then and pretend I was all happy and thankful about it. Then there was the day they brought my best childhood friend in by the back of the pants. Hadn't seen him in a year. He had grown 2 feet! I was so fucking pissed off to see him, and scared he'd blame me, more scared he was right cause I might have rambled off some damning statement about him in one of those endless raps. I always protected him before. He was younger than me and like a little brother. And I couldn't protect him then. Was afraid even to look at him cause we'd both get in trouble. Couldn't send him a message, nothing. Fuck!
Then there was the day they "offered" me the high honor or taking the special pretraining course. That sucked! I had to speak and be fucking convincing, too. Yeah, I know just exactly what you mean by trapped!
I don't know if you were there when we marathoned Bobby. I think they had my little 'brother', Steve (who by then was not so little, like 6'4" or so and thick as a lumberjack) do a whole lot of the ass kicking. That kid, I always had to step in and fight if need be. Not that he was scared of taking a blow, he wasn't. We played pretty rough. He was the kind of kid that if he accidentally hurt someone throwing a ball too hard or tackling them to hard, HE would get upset!
I blocked it all, even when it was happening, even when I was the one fucking w/ people. I turned myself to stone and figured I was just waiting it out. Didn't know it was effecting me or anyone else. After awhile, it didn't even seem that bad.
But back to Bobby. He wasn't the only one to get marathoned for days on end. He wasn't the only one broken beyond lucidity, driven catatonic or half ferral. For most of that time, I thought I never got into big trouble because I obeyed the rules and talked the talk. Only when I ran did I get confronted, set back or any other overt sanctions that stand out in my mind. But this doesn't make sense at all, when you consider that I fucking slugged somebody for enforcing the rules, just like she had to do to keep her own ass out of the sling and, instead of getting the same treatment Bobby did or Kim C (short little pale skinned gal, always reminded me of the Little Prince) or Sammie or Holly G or so many others who got the shit kicked out of them on a regular basis.
Kim C. I remember her for another reason, too. She taught me more about that place in one instant than I think I figured out in the 10 years leading up to that moment. She was helping to 'restrain' me, though I had refused to resist at all, whatever; wouldn't give that fucker Chris Casselor the satisfaction of saying "See? I knew you had deep aner in you!" Fuck him! lol So Kim did just what she thought she was supposed to do because it had been done so many times to her. She covered my nose and mouth so I'd fight. I bit her. She screamed "Ow! Stupid bitch!" Robin P came over, asked her what was up, she told her.
Then Robin did something extremely kind and extremely cruel all at the same time and she had no real better choice that I can see. She asked me what happened. I told her. Calmly. I just needed to breathe and that's the only way I could get Kim's hand off of my mouth and nose. Robin gave Kim the stink eye and sent her back to group. That's when I learned something terrifying. The look on Kim's face was one of total shock, disoriented dissilusionment. That was the last thing she expected, she clearly thought she was doing just what she was supposed to do. She had just made 2nd phase after some ungodly long and violent first phase.
What do you make of that? Do you think Robin also didn't know, like I didn't know, that the kid being restrained usually wasn't actually instigating any damned thing? Or were you guys working together (clicking lol) to change things?
I guess what I'm asking is just this. What really went on in the staff office? How would you guys arrive at a decision to keep a kid in timeout for another day or to ignore my knocking a girl out for no good fucking reason? Was I being groomed for staff all along? Or was that "offer" just a another way to try and demoralize me by extending my stay? What did you make of it when I had walking pnuemonia from April `81 till whenever I made 5th phase and finally screwed up the nerve to ask for a day off? I wound up spending two full days doing nothing but sleeping in that timeout room at the top of the stairs. I know a lot of other kids went w/o medical care for various things too. Did you ever know? Or were you sincerely convinced that they were faking to get attention or to escape having to look at themselves?
What about Chris? What about Richard Knowles and Charles Pendergrast? What about Pete Mitchel? He seemed to me like a really gentle, kind but thoroughly brainwashed kid.
Honestly, I don't know if this conversation can go much further, or if you really understand what I'm saying. There's actually a whole lot more that I'd like to know but I can't even ask you publicly w/o giving clues to your private history that I don't know if you want to hang out there. And, believe it or not, even though I am just as hostile to the
Program as anyone might imagine, I wouldn't do that to anyone, even if I didn't like them unless we're talking someone like Virgil who, in my opinion, is damned for all time anyway.
That's why I keep trying to contact you privately. I really would apreciate it, Marnie, if you would contact me. Here's my info:
http://fornits.com/contact.htm I'll call on my dime whenever it works for you if you'll give me your number.
Thanks for reading.
I believe that when I die I shall rot, and nothing of my ego will survive. I am not young, and I love life. But I should scorn to shiver with terror at the thought of annihilation. Happiness is none the less true happiness because it must come to an end, nor do thought and love lose their value because they are not everlasting.
--Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, educator, mathemetician, and social critic
