"President Bush says he has just one question for
the American voters,'Is the rich person you're
working for better off now than they were four years ago?'"--Jay Leno
"A new poll says that if the election were held
today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a
double digit margin. The White House is so worried
about this, they're now thinking of moving up the
capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month."--Jay Leno
President Bush has unveiled his first campaign
commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a
15-second spot."--Jay Leno
"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic
number of 2,162. That's the total number of
delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different. His magic number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."--Jay Leno
"There was a scare in Washington when a man
climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush." -- David Letterman
"The White House is now backtracking from its
prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off--by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -- Jay Leno
"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000
National Guard troops. Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there." -- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay
people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -- Jay Leno
"There was an embarrassing moment in the White
House earlier today. They were looking around
searching for George Bush's military records. They
actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -- David
Letterman
"The big story now is that President Bush is
coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'" -- Jay Leno
"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was
asked what he would do if he lost the election and
Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean like last time?'" -- Jay Leno
"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are
making campaign appearance with the guys who saved
their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." -- Conan O'Brien
"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion
federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and
mirrors." -- Jay Leno
"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence
wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when
we elected him!" -- Jay Leno
"As you know President Bush gave his State of the
Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush said that American workers will
need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st
century. Some of the skills they're going to need
are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's
where the jobs went." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush wants to build a space station on
the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch
people to Mars. You know what this means. He's
drinking again." -- David Letterman
"The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the
war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his
troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between Spain and the US."-- Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands
that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings.
This is what he said. 'He met with unnamed people,
from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate
amount of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank
God he cleared that up." -- Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace
Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush. He can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before
playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" -- Craig Kilborn
"The White House has now released military
documents they say prove George Bush met his
requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -- Jay Leno
