Another diary of disappointment. Interesting how so many program parents have the same story. Divorced, remarried, gotta get the kid out of the house to save the marriage.... the thing programs seem to be most successful at.
From Hyde to Aspen to ASR...and still not 'fixed'.
If you get bored with the redundant details of the story, scroll down to see the final outcome, 4 years after the fact.
8 Nov 2000
My son just finished at Aspen Wilderness program, and I'd be happy to answer questions or join in discussions about it. I think threads about particular places might make things a little easier around here.
He had a good experience overall, and I was really happy with his therapist, and several other aspects of the program. Our graduation was really tough, however, since we parents were OUT OF SHAPE & UNPREPARED FOR A SNOWSTORM at 8,000+ ft. ALTITUDE & ONLY TARPS FOR SHELTER...MORE UNDERSTANDING & BETTER COMMUNICATION FROM SOME OF THE STAFF WOULD HAVE MADE IT A MORE PRODUCTIVE TIME, AS FOR MOST OF US BATTLING THE ELEMENTS INTERFERED WITH OUR ABILITY TO FOCUS ON THE EMOTIONAL WORK WE WANTED AND NEEDED TO DO. I certainly was disabused of any lingering romantic notions of my child camping out in the beautiful wilds....
[Gee, did she ever stop to think about how the kids do any 'emotional work' in subzero temps? As I have said, the parent needs to be right along side the kid throughout the program!!]
8 Nov I think it's a good idea to have threads for specific places. My son's just entered Swift River & I'd be interested to hear from other ASR parents or alumni.
A question for us is where will our son go afterwards - he'll get out in March of 2002 and will be 16 then.
12 Nov
Last June we enrolled him at Hyde School in CT, but after their 1 month summer program for new kids they told us he should do a wilderness program before returning to Hyde in the fall. I had TWO DAYS to decide!!! (This is because they don't reccommend bringing your child home between programs).
I chose Aspen, and my schedule, based a lot of my decision on the voices over the phone. They sounded compassionate, intelligent & sensible. I still would go with that assessmant.
During his second month at Aspen his therapist reccommended that we look into a TBS instead of Hyde, which he felt wasn't structured enough for my son. Also, my son said he knew he could obtain drugs there and wasn't yet real firm in his desire for sobriety, though he did make a lot of progress in that direction at Aspen. Hyde agreed that an interim placement was a good idea. SO once again I scrambled, and chose Academy at Swift River. It was the only reccommended school close enough for me to visit.....but also I again had a good impression from phone contacts, and heard several people here speak well of the school. Also, it's owned by Aspen so the transition would be easier.
I have my life back now. My husband has his life back now. My son is beginning to make changes he needs to make. I hope we will be together as a family again, but his very life depends on a process of change that I could not have jump started and carried through to completion my self. I'm very grateful to these programs and all their dedicated staff.
15 Nov Son went to Hyde summer program, sent to Aspen Wilderness, now at Swift River. We won't see him again til next March.
Even so, we will have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgving: a new beginning for all of us, wonderful professionals who are working with our son, and frankly, peace and quiet at home. Things you and your family deserve too.
20 Nov
We drove home & he had one day only - at 6AM the next day I took him to the airport & put him on a plane by himself. (Incidently, on the one day home he seemed to be acting fine, wasn't difficult, but later I found out he stole $400.00 from my ch. acct. & bought pot, some of which was stashed in a trophy in his room.)
24 Nov
My son stayed at Aspen Ranch for a month recently, but his wasn't at all at typical stay. He was enrolled for AAA (wilderness program) but their Dr. found hernia & he had to have surgery on it before he could begin the program. We decided to have the surgery done out there and he was allowed to reuperate at the ranch. He was terribly bored, but he wasn't really involved and couldn't fully participate. When I visited I had a somewhat negative impression in that the staff seemed disorganized & communications weren't smooth. I believe they were experiencing a staff turnover at the time (August), but the previous poster can tell you about that.
26 Nov
My son has been away since early July in a series of programs (was home 1 day & I did see him 3 times) and now he's at ASR, where, because of the time he entered, he won't have a visit from us til March, and months after that before he comes home. It seems so weird and unfair now - I can't talk to him either, and he hasn't written. I think it goes too far, this restrictiveness.
7 Dec
Hard as it undoubtedly is right now, be glad you have this place, at least! My son was also dx ADHD & has been on Adderall a long time.
26 Dec
Now my son's at Academy at Swift River, a tbs. He's doing very well, and already, AFTER ABOUT 5 MONTHE OF PROGRAMS HE'S ON THE ROAD TO A REAL TURN AROUND.
17 Jan 2001
Somehow her expressions while she was going down into a drug/sex situation reminded me of myself many years ago. I didn't use drugs other than the occaissional joint, but I recognized the need to totally lose oneself into a destructive activity in order to keep pain at bay. That adolescent angst, the emptiness, and the rush to fill that void with some intense experience. Very dangerous.
There are her parents, sitting there amidst all the other addicts, and her father's saying that he's "here to listen and learn", as I remember.
What's the use unless Dad & Mom are ready to set their agendas aside and listen?
26 Feb
My son had a mysterious kidney ailment at ASR; they think it was something called iGa nephropathy, and luckily it just resolved itself. The nurses were great, and I even got to go see him for a day.
17 Mar
I wonder if anyone can help me understand my sons abandonment feelings.
His therapist told me he felt his father had abandoned him at age 4, when we divorced. I was the one who initiated the divorce; my son knows that, and his father did try hard in the beginning to keep their relationship going. Over time (son is 15 now) it faltered, on both sides.
I remarried (right away) and my husband (whose parents actually did physically abandon him at age 3) has had a very tough time getting along with my son - and vice versa.
Incidently, no attachment issues that I've noticed. Dx ADHD in 3rd grade and ODD more recently. Is said to have "boundary issues" as well, e.g. he gets too intimate too quickly with girls.
27 July
I spoke briefly to an admissions person at Oakwood Friends, which seems like a wonderful school. But he said in no uncertain terms that they "WOULD NEED TO SEE A FULL YEAR OF SUCCESS AT A DIFFERENT 'MAINSTREAM' BOARDING SCHOOL" BEFORE THEY WOULD CONSIDER ANYONE FROM A TBS. ANother place in this area that's a great school is Millbrook, BUT THEY TOO WANT TO SEE SUCCESS ELSWHERE FIRST. On top of all this, my son's talking about wanting to be home rather than at a boarding school. I can understand his desire for a more normal existence - he's been in one program or another for over a year - but oh boy, the thought of his going to the local High School is scary!
13 Aug
Oh, I wish this was simpler! ASR SAYS HE WOULD BE BETTER OFF NOT LIVING AT HOME AND GOING TO THE LOCAL SCHOOL, but it's so incredibly expensive. We're doing this on an inheritence that has to stretch well beyond his education.
My husband and son have had a terribly hard time getting along, and for a good 4 years at least we had not a peaceful moment as a family. I don't know how we stayed together....so we didn't get around to many deep conversations, and still need to do more there.
ALso, MAKE GOOD USE OF THIS TIME FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. If there are siblings, they can get more attention now. IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND GOT OFF TRACK FROM ALL THE STRESS (MINE ALMOST ENDED), YOU CAN PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THAT, FINALLY. AND YOU CAN STEP BACK AND GIVE YOURSELF SOME ENERGY. MY HUSBAND & I HAVE SEEN OUR MARRIAGE HUGELY IMPROVED, and I've been able to devote time to therapy myself (like not going in to a session only to talk about my son, for instance).
[So, is this what programs are most successful at? Saving marriages?]
10 Nov
Many of us (and I too had a 15 yr old who was stealing $$ from me for pot, even though he sold it as well, and failed 9th grade, and was horribly, sometimes violently oppositional at home) - many of us have found that in order to clear the decks we needed to get our child out of the house for a time. This radical change of environment, be it Wilderness, TBS, RTC, etc., provides a wake up call for the kids and a respite for parents so that all concerned can begin anew.
17 Nov
I don't know what your son's history is - whether he's made that threat before (suicide), whether he's depressed or very manipulative, etc - but he is in good hands. I hope things get better real soon. Wish I could give you a hug ?
31 Dec
I guess the subject says it all....my son, who's at TBS and will finish March 1st, was home for a week at Christmas. It was for the most part peaceful, and his progress has been very good at school. However, there were things that bothered me when he was here - mostly the way he ignored my entreaties to get work done on his private school applications. This was like old times (though without the drama). And also how he promised he'd do all the yard work, but only did a little: old times again.
Then after he'd been gone I saw on our computer that he'd been looking at pornography. It seemed that he'd deleted the history for those days so I wouldn't see it there, but I saw it another way. He had looked at pornographic sites in the past, and I'd made a big deal out of it. We've also had a number of serious discussions about how important I think it is that he respect women and girls, and not misuse sex. (He's 16). I feel very strongly about this, and I suspect there's a subtle connection between his interest in porn and his continuing lack of respect for me. That's something for a psychologist to figure out, I suppose. (BTW, he claims he doesn't need a therapist when he comes home; he's learned to talk about his feelings to friends).
What I'm interested in here is what the rest of you, who I respect quite a bit, think of my reaction. I will be talking to his counselor about this tomorrow and will get his input, but what do other parents in this forum think? Anyone else have a boy who did this habitually? BTW, it seems to be mainly garden variety stuff, at least not particularly violent.
I wrote a letter to my son & mailed it yesterday; it was pretty angry. I said that I was very disappointed & that I wasn't sure if I wanted him living here if he continued. But he's underage & i doubt I'd really follow through with that. Many people might see this as pretty minor. I'm very liberal - but I'm passionate about the dehumanization that I think sets in when one's exposed to too much of this kind of stuff. It makes me very uncomfortable, a reaction perhaps heightened by the fact that I was raped when young.
I'm also worried about how we'll keep to the contract we've been working on. I guess we'll have to have consequences very clearly spelled out.
Any ideas?
16 Jan 2002
My son will finish TBS at the end of next month, and when he was home over the holiday we realized quite clearly that his being home for 6 months (before he goes back to school in Sept) isn't going to work. It's like I was believing in a fairy tale almost, I was so caught up in the positive changes he was making. NOw I see that even if he had a full time job, it wouldn't work. He needs a full schedule, a structure he can't deviate from, he needs to be surrounded by strong authority figures, still.
20 Oct 2004
I haven't posted in several years(I think) but I do see some familiar names here. My 19-yr-old son went to a TBS following Utah wilderness. I was very happy with both programs and when he came home in March 2002 he was much happier, much more cooperative. He managed to graduate HS, then went to Costa Rica/Panama for 3 mos on his own. He was supposed to pay for that but ran out of cash and racked up a lot of bills on my credit card. Once home, he got a job at Radio Shack, which he liked, and kept it for almost a year. He was drinking and smoking MJ though. His room was full of liquor bottles - whenever I saw any I oculd pour out, I did. He has addiction problems but of ocurse he doesn't think so. I kept hoping things would work out, and he was giving me his paycheck evry wk. to cover his car payments, his share of the auto insurance, and his own bills. If anything was left it was supposed to go to his debt to me. I guess on the side he was selling small amounts of MJ to have pocket money. Anyway, within 6 weeks, starting on Labor Day, he was arrested for possession of MJ/smoking in public, he was arrested for DUI/DWI/speeding (with a high BAC), and caught stealing from the store and fired for that. He has no previous record but has been in trouble with police before. These are serious charges, but he knows he'll get them knocked down because this guy can get out of anything. He got his own lawyers and paid the first (for possession in another county) himself, but the second (DWI close to home) will be way beyond his means, particularly since he just lost his job. Sorry this is so long!! Part of me (and my therapist) says I should seriously consider telling him to live somewhere else. He does not pay rent. But it's just SO hard to consider that. That's why I came back here. Thanks for your comments and help -
http://www.strugglingteens.com/cgi-bin/ ... 2;t=000847[ This Message was edited by: Deborah on 2004-10-20 16:28 ]