Well I can't tell you what you should be feeling, but I know that you don't have to feel this way. Remember that you're an adult now, and Cedu has no power over you anymore. And it is all about power with Cedu, the power that you give them, SO STOP GIVING IT TO THEM. They should fear you now, NOT the other way around.
As for not listening to profeet and "acceptable" music, well that just means that you have good taste.........try not read into that so hard. With the exception of a few Beatles songs, all of the music that is acceptable to cedu sucks anyways.
I spent a year and a half at Cedu, after I split for the final time, I remember how disorientated I was, once I resumed having a normal life. It was like the world had stood still for me, and moved on for everyone else.
I liken my stay at cedu to the experience of having been in a coma for 1-1/2 years. For me it was still 1990, while the rest of the world had moved on to 1992. I didn't know what was in anymore, or how to act, or dress, what music people listened to, or what had happened to everyone and everything I ever knew, in fact most of my friends thought I was dead. I didn't know this new world that I had stepped into, and I was having nightmares frequently. I too was constantly looking over my shoulder. But I moved on, I figured out how to make my life work again, because I had too. Remember that if your not moving forward, then your standing still, and that won't get you anywhere.
You know, I put Cedu way behind me, and I never thought of it again, until about 2 months ago when I stumbled across this website. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I don't fear Cedu anymore, I just hate them for what they did to me and all of the other kids that they hurt. So I post here, everything that I remember, I give my experiences a voice. Hopefully some parent will read what I say, and think twice about sending/keeping their kids at Cedu. It works for me.
My advice to you is this....don't wallow in the pain or fear or whatever negative feelings that you have, it won't get you anywhere, and most likely will hurt you in the long run. Instead take these emotions and do something constructive with them. Give them a voice, let others know how Cedu fucked with your head, spread the word, don't let them win, you have the power, not them. Hurt cedu back, as they hurt you.
I do believe that posting our stories here does make a difference, and we do hurt Cedu in doing so, that's why I do it. Find your own way to strike back at them, I believe that you'll feel much better once you do.
