the affects

[ka!pow]

I just found an old journal I kept while I was at cedu. I totally forgot i had it. through the months, the progression to brainwashed is really visable. No wonder I had a hard time when I got out. I have a couple weeks until I go back to college, and i can't wait. It feels like nothing ever changed during the summer time. I have absolutly no friends in this place, because of the way I was when I left cedu.

[CEDU IS A CULT]

Have you noticed how hard it is to be friends with anyone you know from CEDU?  Familiarity breeds contempt.  (I seem to like quoting the bible these days.)

It is uncomfortable, right?  Its always uncomfortable when you can't just be yourself.  Cedu did not allow anyone to just be themselves.  They strictly enforced their version of what and what not it was okay to be!

Eating pussy- NO!
Getting head- NO!
Fucking before marriage-NO!
Life threatening motor activities-NO!
Enjoying death metal- NO!
Smoking a joint- NO!
Wearing black- NO!
Wearing your shirt untucked- NO!

but seriously, just be yourself.  Realize that CEDU took away 2 1/2 years of you getting to know yourself.  Catch up on that.  Explore different things, take big chances, and hopefully survive all the better.  Be safe and have fun.  Go buy a motorcycle.  Go fishing.  Go camping.  Go smoke some herb if you like.  Check out music you like.  Get into things that you enjoy and you'll meet people who enjoy the same things.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree. i have taken a long time to losen up, but somehow I got there. I am always myself. I can handle judgement way better than pretending. I am a crude bitch sometimes, but I won't apologize. As far as Cedu friends, I am offically out of touch with everyone I knew there. It make me a little sad. I think that happened for a number of reasons. You are probably right about that unbearable similarities theory. I would qoute frued on it, but I forget his exact words, and I don't want to seem like a complete jackass when I get it wrong. But it is nice to have people on the internet at least.

[ka!pow]

didn't mean to post anonymously. not that it really matters either way, but what ever.

[CEDU IS A CULT]

CEDU taught us to be bigoted assholes and that's why people don't like CEDUites.

No one likes to hang out with someone who inherently feels superior to others.

And anyone who went there knows that CEDU taught us that some people are inherently better then others.  Remember how older students were compared to younger students.  Then, by going through all the profeets, they convinced you that you were inherently superior (giant) to all humanity!- Not because of selfless altruistic acts or feats of human greatness, but just because you believe the CEDU religion.

The only thing missing at CEDU is the philosophy that if you don't believe- you're going to hell.

Now imagine being non-religious and having to hang out all the time with a Catholic who constantly thinks they are better then you and you are going to hell?

Help me lord CEDU, my lord and saviour.  Forgive my sins.  Oh thank you CEDU!  I'll worship you forever!!

Fuck CEDU in the fucking neck and fuck all who support CEDU in the fucking neck  and yeah that includes  Ottawa 2 and 5.  If you're so stupid that it takes this long to explain it to you, then fuck off.  We've explained plenty to you and you still don't get it.  I guess you never will or never want to.

[Antigen]

On 2004-08-22 14:40:00, ka!pow wrote:

"I just found an old journal I kept while I was at cedu. I totally forgot i had it. through the months, the progression to brainwashed is really visable. No wonder I had a hard time when I got out. I have a couple weeks until I go back to college, and i can't wait. It feels like nothing ever changed during the summer time. I have absolutly no friends in this place, because of the way I was when I left cedu. "

Hey, check this out!

Go here: http://fornits.com/wwf/viewforum.php?forum=8&1355 and check out some of the Moral Inventory posts. Tell me what you think.

Were you guys required to keep a journal in CEDU? And did you have a reasonable expectation of privacy? We were required to write an MI every day (or you'll diiiiieeeeee a skidrow junkie!!!  :eek: ) and newcomers (first phase) MIs were read by their oldcomer (I know you had some similar arrangement where you'd be supervised by another kid, can't recall the term just now)

First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0826400035/circlofmiamithem' target='_new'> Gandhi

[shanlea]

THe older students who acted as our guardians/bullies/spies were called big brother or big sister.  Their duty was to help the new students acclimate to CEDU and guide you when you were in trouble. So, when I was confined to a table all day for a week or two for attempting to split, my big sister made visits to talk some CEDU sense into me.

I don't remember journals, but we had writing assignments when we were in trouble with assisgned topics that were created to make us feel like scum buckets. After the assignment, they woould read it and harangue to make you feel bad about what a loser you are or contradict anything they didn't agree with.

We also had to keep a portfolio and present it before we could move up the phases--the portfolio really was supposed to be full of CEDU glorification of your CEDU experiences.

That's it.

In general, I think writing can be a very effective form of therapy but not when it is reinterpreted for someone else's benfit or there is an understanding that it reflects program values only.

[shanlea]

I forgot to answer the privacy question. It sounds like we had a little more than what I've read about Straight. (There were no belt loops or lock down foster homes). We shared a dorm room and bathroom for four; it was comfortable.  We could each take showers for five minutes or so, daily. We did not need a bathroom escort.  The dorms were a mix of students, and there was an older dorm head to make sure we kept things on the straight and narrow. Six days a week were super structured so there was no privacy except for going potty or using the shower stall.  On Sunday, you could pick your leisure activities (library, being outside, talking etc.) but there were always people around. You couldn't take off to a remote part of the property easily.  Of course, the phones were locked and you were permitted one 15 minute monitored phone call with your parents every two weeks; letters were allowed to your parents only and were monitored and censored.

[blownawaytheidahoway]

I hae kept almost everything from RMA and just looked through the portfolios used for glorifying the CEDU "religion" when and if I looked back at it later. I have all the letters from kids after profeets and expeditions that without exception talk about the love and beauty that I saw. All good things. Then in my journal I read about the five hour rap we had out in the wilderness and how fucked up that seemed. We were polluting the worst energy. Leaving steaming piles of insecurity and hatred in the place where the innocent children of the animal kingdom had to clean it up or wait for the pollution to dissipate.
The dorms were definitely not private and I had been escorted to the loo a few times when I was a younger student. But it certainly true that being truly alone (except for the scripted wilderness solos) without anyone else was strictly VERBOTEN. No shit, my first couple of months I was upset enough to bring immediate danger to myself and others...BECAUSE I WAS THERE! I had never been that scared or betrayed.

[ka!pow]

To brian-
Cedu definitly taught us that some people were better than others. Basically that cedu people were better than others, but that was a real negitive when a cedu person who believes this theory gets out into the real world; Because it is a bunch of bullshit. The higher you are the harder you fall. I got over that "I feel emotionally knowledgeable and  superior" thing a while ago. But we all have egos, it would suck without one.
 My personal experience with losing touch with my friends from cedu was a need to move on.  Also, i had some really phychotic friends who went ballistic after they got out, it was impossible to be their friend anymore.

Antigen-
 I read a few "Moral inventory posts". They were really interesting. I see definite similaritlies in my journal entries and the posts you suggested I read. At cedu we were not required to write a journal unless we were on restriction. But i wrote in one on and off. journals from a restriction table are read by staff and students. thoughts were definitly censored in those. But eventually I really began to believe in the program, and the censoring went a different way. It makes me feel a little ill. I can see were I  began to think that I was trash and needed to be saved by this all knowing program. I censored the fact that I was unhappy. I wrote what I thought sounded like a good wholesome person, reading it now, it sounds really fucked up. I lost touch with reality. Enough so that they used me at parent confrences to help sell their school. that is a whole other thing that I won't go into right now. Anyway, I plan on reading the "moral posts" in more depth and am also interested in reading more about the Seed/straight program in general. Thanks for showing me the posts.

[**PIXIE DUST**]

yea, being on a full time, program or restriction was the only time i remember having to keep a journal.  and i think you had to write in one every day for a portfolio if you were a voyager and still doing farm work.  (i went to bca, and we had a farm, i don't know if any of the other schools had one.)

No laws, however stringent, can make the idle industrious, the thriftless provident, or the drunken sober
--Samuel Stiles

[Antigen]

On 2004-08-25 14:22:00, ka!pow wrote:

 But eventually I really began to believe in the program, and the censoring went a different way. It makes me feel a little ill. I can see were I began to think that I was trash and needed to be saved by this all knowing program.

I know just exactly what you're talking about! By the time I split, I was on pretraining for staff. I had led a few raps and really enjoyed it. It is, after all, sort of a rush to have total control of a bunch of people for a half hour. On the one hand, I don't think I ever completely forgot that I was playing a part in order to get by. But, on the other, I lost myself to a large degree to that ficticious personality that I'd created for the purpose.

Anyway, I plan on reading the "moral posts" in more depth and am also interested in reading more about the Seed/straight program in general. Thanks for showing me the posts."

NP, I look forward to getting your take on things.

Here's freedom to him who would read;
 
Here's freedom to him who would write;

None ever feared that the truth should be heard,

But them that the truth would indict.


--author unknown (circa 1914)

[Antigen]

Check this out

http://mysite.verizon.net/res0g8bp/the8 ... /id22.html

Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind...it doesn't matter!
--  Chuck Gauran

[ka!pow]

I have spent some time looking at the seed/straight inc. articles that have been posted on the web, as well as the posts on this site. I am at a lose as to what to reply. It must have been terrible, and I am glad I never had to experience it. I have a lot of observations but I am going to make this short, and post more later, I just felt like I shouldn't neglect the topic before it seems pointless to reply at all.

[Antigen]

Hey, anytime, no rush. I look forward to reading your observations.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant