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CW:
Hi, My name is Cathy I went to the seed in July of 1973 and graduated in March of 74 after telling Camile (not sure of spelling) that I was never going to change. Boy was I wrong. I am a early graduate of Lakewood 75.





Did you ever notice that the elite families of St Petersburg were the first to go to Ft Lauderdale. The rich and famous, the Yacht Club parents. It seems that NE got hit first. Kim, Jim, Bridgett, just to name a few.





My brother Jim and I were tricked into getting into the same car to go birthday shopping for my older brother. We thought it was strange (parents were divorcing) but we went to the mall. On the way for some wierd reason, I started singing they are coming to take me away HA HA. Jim joined in and my mother started to cry. My Dad for the first time in years held her hand. AND IT STILLS FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.





When we pulled into the parking lot I was out of that car in 2 seconds. Jim yelled don't run, but I tried. My dad grabbed my arm I bit him and kicked him in the nuts. And a large blond women just smiled. (Edies Mom) For she knew what would happen now, they had me. Jim seemed to play the game, to graduate by Christmas and be the perfect Seedling. Not me. They were not going to get to me. BIG MISTAKE.





To took over a month for me to be aloud to go home. 2 months to return to school. (how did the school board allow us to miss so much school) And I was started over 3 times. I was not aloud to speak on parents night for 3 weeks. The seed had no idea what would come out of my mouth. When they finally aloud me to speak, I stood up and said. "My name is Cathy W.... All I ever did was smoke pot, drink beer, and I am here because it is the social thing to do. My parents are ... They are members of the Yacht Club. At that point since all was a secret I was grabbed from the room and I once again heard my mother crying.





I NEVER CUT MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





I was put in the private room to think about how I hurt my parents. Gee, why did no one care about how they hurt me.





Fast forward since I think that everyone knows what we went through.





The day I left the seed (I was quitely graduated) no party, no send off, no congratulations on the part of the seed, for when I looked Camile in the eye one day I told her on my 17th birthday (end of March) I was gone. She said she was the same way, that I would change, well that night I became an old comer for the last couple months of school. I thought I had survied.





I married a guy I met before the Seed. He was used to a strong independent person who would say F...Y.. and not care. What he got was a mouse. Which he quickly overcame, not knowing himself what had changed. It was not fair to either of us. I wanted away from school and home, he wanted a wife, so I got married at 17 after grad. in Jan of 75. People thought I was pregnet, what a joke, I had still not had sex. But according to the seed being friends was basically the same thing, it would lead to sex and I was still a whore (or I was told this by 300 kids my age for hours at a time)





Because I had no courage to fight any more I ended up being in the worst marriage possible. It made Sleeping with the enemy, and the burning bed look tame. I was prostuted out to his friends (but only after being ganged raped) I could never say no, or I would be beaten. I was sick, scared, and had no sprit left. I THOUGHT I HAD SAVED MY SELF, I THOUGHT I WAS THE SAME PERSON, WHERE DID IT GO WROUNG!





The first time I got high, It was with my best freinds, David Hicks, Bennet Beverly, and Mary D. What a foursome we were. David came to the seed and was told that having a girl for a best friend was insane. That girl was me. He was beaten down because of me. I would dream of David every night, he only spoke to me once after the seed. He looked my in the eye and said that he wasn't aloud to talk to me, but he begged me not to get married. I dreamed of David rescueing me every night. And I am not kidding. One day, I stopped dreaming about him, it made me sick. I could not wait to go to bed that night, but still no David. 3 days later my husband (now ex) called me at work and asked me if David had another name. I said yes, his real first name was John. He then told me they had found his body, 3 days eailer he had jumped the Skyway. Mary was the only friend I was aloud to keep. I dont know why. Then at work Bennets dad came in and told My brother and myself that Bennet was dead, he said Bennet had cancer. That's what I told Mary, when I found he to killed himself, I was heart broken, and I still have not told Mary the truth, because he was her soul friend, as David was mine.





I was physcally, emotionally, sexuelly (oh, screw the spelling - where is the spell check on this thing.) abussed, I had loaded guns held to my head, I have scars and burns on my body, my heart is broken and I have been alone since my divorse. WHo would want a broken soul anyway,





my children were not abused. I took the heat for all. One day my ex yelled at my daughter. I told someone at work (city credit union with cops and all - who would look at my face see bruises and stiches and never ask) told me that she did not care what happened to me. I was an adult. But that if he ever touched my kids, it was my fault. (don't ask me how, but I left him.) My kids were 5 and 7, they thought my mom took us away from there dad. It took years to convience them that it was not granny's fault, she was helping me.





I spent weeks in an abuse shelter. Luckly I was divorced in 3 months, he did not fight it. I threaten to expose all, for he was now a police man too.





There is more, but I can't go on right now. Someone talk to me. I hate seeing the sadness and compassion that peoples letters reveil. I have been told since 1975 that I needed to grow up. My older brother told me just last week that his hate for my past was stronger than his love of me and my children. He and his family would never come to marriages, christmas, thanksgiving.





because they don't like the fact I tell the truth my younger brother will not let me tell childhood stories, because he doesn't want his kids knowing about the seed, that he once smoked pot. He wants his kids to think he had a perfect childhood.





Well I don't know about anyone else, but I still smoke pot whenever I can, I used to go to job interview high, figuring that if they hired me, they knew what they were getting. I always got the job. I am glad I have not had to look for a job since 88. But, to me, it is better than drinking, because I would probley be a drunk.





I need to talk about this and I thank god that an ex sister in law called me in june to listen to the radio, before the conference. Is any out there who thinks they know me. And is there a purpose in telling more.

[ This Message was edited by: cw on 2002-07-31 17:16 ]

[ This Message was edited by: cw on 2002-08-01 05:45 ]

Antigen:

--- Quote ---On 2002-07-31 05:40:00, CW wrote:
I need to talk about this and I thank god that an ex sister in law called me in june to listen to the radio, before the conference. Is any out there who thinks they know me. And is there a purpose in telling more.

--- End quote ---

I'm just as sure I know you as I am that we've never met. No need to say another word unless it makes you feel better. :sad:

MommaDebi:
CW wrote:"I was physcally, emotionally, sexually abused, I had loaded guns held to my head, I have scars and burns on my body, my heart is broken...Who would want a broken soul anyway?....There is more, but I can't go on right now. Someone talk to me... I have been told since 1975 that I needed to grow up. My older brother told me...his hate for my past was stronger than his love of me and my children. He and his family would never come to marriages, christmas, thanksgiving."


My name is debi white, exseedling '73- late 74 or early 75 (my memory is full of holes about this time in my life).

I read your post and it brought up a lot of my past life. I was in the Seed, St pete as soon as they came to town. Greg tells me that this was in Spring '73, I was 14 and tricked into going for a "Sunday family drive"...we had never gone on one before and thought it was strange, but who was I too argue.

I also ended up in an abusive marriage. I did not think I was worth much. Of course it is understandable that after being told for so long by people that "loved me" that I was nothing without them, I subconsciously believed it.

I am happy that you did find the strength to leave that marriage. You should give yourself more credit for having done that.It took alot of courage. You were a mother protecting her children, and although they may not understand, nor should they at their young ages, they ultimately will know that you did the right thing for them.

The judge gave my exhusband "no visitation" rights to my 3month old son, I felt guilty for a long time. Worried about how my son would feel when he found out.Would he be angry? hate me? defend his father?...many fears about that situation.

Well, he just turned 18 and has been looking for him for about 1 year. I felt as though I should tell him,just in case he does find him. Once I explained the situation ["drugs, violence, physical and mental abuse"]
...without going into too many details. I found him to be understanding and glad that I had sought to save him from a potentially bad situation.

I too stayed alone for many years following my divorce. I was not really alone; I had my son and that was enough for me! lol! I finally met a man after 7 years, dated him for 7 years and now have been married to him for almost 5years. My son & he love each other very much and life is good.

It can and will be that good for you given enough time and healing.

I am sorry that your brother is not supportive. I have had to relinquish some family dreams and remake my family within my group of friends. I know it is not easy, but I am in a safer emotional environment by doing that for myself.

I have learned in life that love is not unconditonal, but rather is acceptance. Acceptance of who a person is, their history, their dreams, their shortcomings and their strengths. My bio family is not able to do that for me...but the family I have gathered makes up for it.

I wish you internal peace and acceptance.
debi

GregFL:
welcome again Cathy. I look forward to you participating in our open discussions here. Your opinions and comments are welcome and encouraged.
I hope that you can find a way to put all this pain in your past. For some people, an honest confrontation of what happened to you in childhood is a good starting point.
One problem a lot of us have had is that we endured a very abusive, contrived cultish childhood experience, and then went years and years with our families and friends not validating or understanding what happened to us.
Everyone here understands. Thank you for sharing your story.

Antigen:
Oh, and for future reference and general information, you can always edit your own posts if you posted under a username. You can't edit anonymous posts and I won't do that because I can never be sure if the person making the request is really the author.

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