REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE
New York, NY
6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment"
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve "Freedom Fries"
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury, It's What's for Dinner"
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMT's to pump Rush Limbaugh's stomach
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' that Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The real cause of forest fires"
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: "Doublespeak Made Easy"
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:45:30 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Piñata
11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists: The Dangerous
New Cult"
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12: 00PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
