Author Topic: A clockwork orange  (Read 1847 times)

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Offline Pissed RMA Grad 90'

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A clockwork orange
« on: September 18, 2004, 06:39:00 AM »
I don't listen to music. I listen to anti-music and I occasionally I even compose.
But I still won't listen to "unacceptable" music. Interesting footnote here is that I refer to only unnaceptables when I was a student not things that I know would be unnacceptable like most rap.
I always think someone is sneaking up or it's just that i jump when someone i know is going behind me touches me.
I'm totally afraid to get into any conflict at work. I feel like ultra insecure when anyone says anything to me nice or not. when I hear music from propheets I must make it stop. I leave or change channel or station, or make someone turn off. It's really important becuawe I must conciusly try not to feel if I hear something when I 'm not expecting it. Something will happen on a commercial or something and I'll bein tears and I don't know why. or if I talk to my friends about it I immediatly feel they can't understand and go to tears.
Relationships? with who about what. the world is not rma-cedu-rs-bca-cascade-secretharbor orprovo. it's all and is none.

does anyone here  ever talk about thinking? and the voices they make you think you hear. The negativity of the world careening into you? the thoughts that make you tell yourself that you are brainwashing yourself out of the brainwashing.Is there any good thing we learned and how can you talk about how to fuse them ?

it's time to move on, move away from wha t I've been running from . I can't get a happy life. I remember being happy for stretches of time but unhappy for longer and all the time doubting. not thinking i'm living up to my contract, values, and IME.hello. God I shouldn't still feel this should I?

Black markets will always be with us. But they will recede in importance when our public morality is consistent with our private one.


http://www.tatteredcover.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?s=showproduct&affiliateId=000095&isbn=0618334661' target='_new'>Eric Schlosser, Reefer Madness

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline mikehunt

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A clockwork orange
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2004, 10:07:00 AM »
well, if you are feeling it, i suppose that means that you "should" be, i guess a better question would be, "do you have to feel this way?"  the answer to that woul dbe no... there are other ways to live that might be more enjoyable for you.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
aura solomon

Offline Son Of Serbia

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A clockwork orange
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2004, 11:25:00 AM »
Well I can't tell you what you should be feeling, but I know that you don't have to feel this way.  Remember that you're an adult now, and Cedu has no power over you anymore.  And it is all about power with Cedu, the power that you give them, SO STOP GIVING IT TO THEM.  They should fear you now, NOT the other way around.

As for not listening to profeet and "acceptable" music, well that just means that you have good taste.........try not read into that so hard. With the exception of a few Beatles songs, all of the music that is acceptable to cedu sucks anyways.

I spent a year and a half at Cedu, after I split for the final time, I remember how disorientated I was, once I resumed having a normal life.  It was like the world had stood still for me, and moved on for everyone else.  

I liken my stay at cedu to the experience of having been in a coma for 1-1/2 years.  For me it was still 1990, while the rest of the world had moved on to 1992.  I didn't know what was in anymore, or how to act, or dress, what music people listened to, or what had happened to everyone and everything I ever knew, in fact most of my friends thought I was dead.  I didn't know this new world that I had stepped into, and I was having nightmares frequently.  I too was constantly looking over my shoulder. But I moved on, I figured out how to make my life work again, because I had too.  Remember that if your not moving forward, then your standing still, and that won't get you anywhere.

You know, I put Cedu way behind me, and I never thought of it again, until about 2 months ago when I stumbled across this website.  Now I can't stop thinking about it.  I don't fear Cedu anymore, I just hate them for what they did to me and all of the other kids that they hurt.  So I post here, everything that I remember, I give my experiences a voice.  Hopefully some parent will read what I say, and think twice about sending/keeping their kids at Cedu.  It works for me.

My advice to you is this....don't wallow in the pain or fear or whatever negative feelings that you have, it won't get you anywhere, and most likely will hurt you in the long run.  Instead take these emotions and do something constructive with them.  Give them a voice, let others know how Cedu fucked with your head, spread the word, don't let them win, you have the power, not them. Hurt cedu back, as they hurt you.

I do believe that posting our stories here does make a difference, and we do hurt Cedu in doing so, that's why I do it. Find your own way to strike back at them, I believe that you'll feel much better once you do.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

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A clockwork orange
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2004, 08:28:00 PM »
Dear pissed,
   I too have been in a foul mood for about 20 years or so. I can identify w/ just about everything you say. But I'm not sure it lasted that long or w/ that kind of intensity. I do know this, though, the better I've understood what happened to me, the better able I've been to get over it.

   I'd suggest you read up on cults and group mind control. http://www.the8thstep.com has a nice crash course type collection of documents under the section heading "Understanding Brainwashing, Mind Control & Aggression" http://factnet.org has tons of information.

   That's the optimist in me. The cynic in me says embrace your eccentricity. Really, you can't change your past and we're all products of our histories. I don't suppose I'll ever fit easily into any social setting in the same way most people do. I'll always be a little jagged, but I've found friends and built a family who can deal with that; who, apparently, think I'm worth the trip.

    But don't think you're the only one. If you read enough of these forums and others like it all over the net, you'll find that what you're describing is pretty common. I don't have any magic tricks to make it all better. It's really just about getting some perspective and a better outlook about things.

   

Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppression of both mind and body will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day
http://laissezfairebooks.com/product.cfm?op=view&pid=FF7485&aid=10247' target='_new'> Thomas Jefferson

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline mikehunt

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A clockwork orange
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2004, 01:36:00 PM »
speaking of profeet music, remember that song "look what they've done to my song, ma?"
that song is crazy...i must find it on vinyl.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
aura solomon

Offline blownawaytheidahoway

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A clockwork orange
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2004, 04:40:00 PM »
Whoa. That was freaky. Y'd u have 2 go & remind me, LS?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Life is a very wonderful thing.\' said Dr. Branom... \'The processes of life, the make- up of the human organism, who can fully understand these miracles?... What is happening to you now is what should happen to any normal healthy human organism...You are being made sane, you are being made healthy.
     \'That I will not have, \' I said, \'nor can understand at all. What you\'ve been doing is to make me feel very very ill.\'
                         -Anthony Burgess
                      A Clockwork Orange