Thought just using his name in the subject might get a few people here interested in what I have to say, which to be quite honest, I am not really sure of myself. I just know I have something to say, and not many people understand. I think about this forum often. It was just over a year ago that I found out that this place called Straight even existed.
A little history: P.A. and I had been married just two years and were together a little less than a year before marriage. I knew my marriage was different than my friends from church's marriages, but I was married to a very unique man, and because I had quite a few difficult obstacles in my life somehow my situation grew to be normal. I lived in two different worlds, as I always did. (Growing up, I was raised in a good church with a good family, but went to school across town, so had two separate lives - church life and social life - VERY different from each other.) When he and I met, I had a daughter from a childhood friend who left me for a drug addiction he could not control. Very soon after we began dating, his "powerful attitude" began. It was gradual at first, it is all much clearer now... It wasn't long before I was pregnant and going to marry him. By our wedding day, I was already hurting so badly... I did not understand why this man could yell and scream and say the most hurtful things ever, then hold me and tell me he loved me and with him, everything was going to be okay...
As those of you that have had previous experience with P.A., you know his emphasis on God was, to say the least, extreme and irrational. As a woman after God's heart, I listened to him 'preach' from the bible, really confusing me, but I was curious about the things he was saying. He claimed to have read the bible cover to cover several times, and could quote some of the strangest verses and definately use them out of context. To make a long story short, I was the only member of his 'cult', but I SO badly wanted to live a righteous life, good and clean and respected by people around me, that I thought this might be a way.
It wasn't long before I started hearing CRAZY stories about his mom and step-dad and childhood, that I knew I was dealing with a guy that NEVER got the kind of love he needed, especially from his mom. I, on the other hand, was raised by two parents that loved each other and loved me and my older sisters. If you caught on, I was the baby, so in my case, I was definately lacking in discipline, and got away with way too much. To cut to the chase, I wanted desperately to be the one that loved him unconditionally - and for him to love me back (in a way that felt like love).
Needless to say, what I was dealing with had become so bizarre to me... I couldn't tell anyone exactly what was happening in my seemingly Christian home. I was working as a teacher at the church's mother's day out program with both of my children enrolled in the school. I stayed home to raise my kiddos, participated in several life-changing bible studies, taught Sunday School, volunteered with several extra activities with the kids and youth at church, and tried to be the very best wife I could be, loving the unlovely. Cooked, cleaned, submitted. I was so faithful and good to him, that it is almost sickening to me now. (However, by no means am I without fault, I am FAR FROM PERFECT, but I sure wanted to make him pleased with me.)
In January of last year, a select few ladies from church were beginning a study entitled "Making Peace With Your Past", and as I do not make it a big secret, they knew my past is one I was wanting to make peace with for sure. In the meantime, he was getting really frustrated with work, and was VERY DIFFICULT to deal with at home. The kids and I were quiet if we were in the house until he would wake up on Saturday afternoons, say 2:00 or 3:00. Only then, he would wake up, throw toys, yell at anyone or anything in his path, eat candy, drink a coke (or beer) smoke a cigarette, smoke a joint, then retreat either back to sleep or the computer. What a nightmare to me know... My daughter was especially affected by him, if you can only try to imagine. "His Boy" could pretty much do no wrong, unless he couldn't get him to stop crying.
At any rate, I was really looking for some answers, as my husband pretty much degraded and yelled at my character (which others around me would say is pretty much good - I try to be a kind and good person to all) almost daily. I felt like I was really getting somewhere spiritually and mentally, but I could not figure out why my husband found so much fault in me. I began the third or fourth week in the study, some title like, "Uncovering Hidden Memories". I was at the computer and he was on the couch and I asked him, "Hey, honey, didn't you say your parents put you in some kind of treatment center when you were a teenager? What was it called so we can look it up in Google and see what we find?"
WHOA, I did not realize that something like this could be out there, and much less, that I would be married to a victim of such a terrible, greusome, wrong place. (Now with all of this said, I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY, PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT. I know there are a couple of things in this forum that gets others excited - religion and supporting or not supporting Straight. My heart has bled and grieved for you ALL and the things that you went through and saw - and up until I found this out, I thought I had seen some crazy things...) He opened up and talked and talked for at least two weeks, he could not stop sharing crazy memories that had just surfaced for him. A woman from my group suggested we seek some experienced help from someone who might could understand Straight more than me, so I would not find myself in a bad situation because of these repressed memories.
That is when the angry and irrational postings began that some of you might remember (Tampa, Carmel, Antigen, ClayL, Morli, etc....) I was reading them all and praying SO HARD that someone could say something that would save the life I thought I could have with this man that I really did not know.
Not sure what all I have said, it feels like I have said alot. Hope I did not say anything that made anyone feel any type of negative feelings. I am really just trying to get past all of this, and learn from it, and grieve the loss of my husband. Sharing these feelings comes and goes for me, I hurt when I think of how trapped I had began to feel. It is hard to understand. I hoped this would be a safe place just to say whatever, and feel like someone might could understand what I felt like as a prisioner in my home, just wanting to feel love from him.
Thanks for letting me vent a little bit. I am far from getting it all dealt with, but I appreciate anyone that listened by reading this all the way through. ::heart::
