I too, never got over the abuse. I remember my second day, my first open rap experience, they brought out my wallet with my pictures and pictures of my friends, because they confiscated my purse on intake. They continued to show everyone my picture and what a "slut" I was because I wore "druggy" makeup and clothes. That all my friends were druggies and whores. I remember how many people stood up and called me a whore and worthless. I was so scared and have never been so scared in my life. I too sat in urine and feces because I had no right to use the bathroom. If I remember on 1st phase, your goal was to earn (I think it was) your T & R. I never carved myself but I saw many people carving their arms. I use to count the times I could crack my ankle bone to pass the days, only because of sitting for so long everyday enabled me to crack my ankle! I still can crack my ankle on demand. I eventually broke and confessed to things I never did so I could see my parents again and not suffer the humiliation and pain anymore. I have constant nightmares and the fact that I was mean to a girl that stayed at my house, because I had to in order to advance the program. To this day I have never forgiven myself for the torment I gave this girl. I was only doing what was done to me, I was only 15 years old. I was told to break her because she needed to be honest. Looking back, I must have been so brainwashed. I have never spoken to anyone about this before, too ashamed. Nobody, unless they were there could possibly understand what it was like.
