Feeling Like The Only Survivor

[Anonymous]

Blah. Just one of those days. One guy pisses me off, and my mood just sunk. I wind up spending my night sitting around with my friends, who have no idea that I went through any of this. They know I had a rough childhood and that I don't speak with my parents, and a bit about how fucked up my family is. They know that I moved away and stay away for a reason, but they don't ask why. If I come out and tell them about it now they'll get that look of shock on their face. I've been through this before. And then they say "Oh my god!" and ask a bunch of questions, and I wind up feeling like nothing in the world will ever really explain it to them.

But then on the flip side I sat there tonight feeling like none of them have any idea of what it's like to have gone through that. We all have struggles in life, but they have no idea what it is like to go through a major trauma like we did. And they don't really know anything about me, when they don't know that.


And when it's on my mind sometimes, even if it's just partially in the back of my head like when I have nightmares that I'm back again and I'm trying to escape, I can't just say "I'm sorry man. I didn't hear what you said. I had a bad dream about trying to escape again and it's just been floating around in my head all day". You know that when you say that stuff to people who don't really, really, really know you, they are taken aback and they don't  know how to react, and then they push you away because they feel uncomfortable around you.

Yuck. I just had to come here and type this stuff out now that it's late and I'm the only one up.

[Anonymous]

Don't you think it might be time to get over it!  Believe me, I know how horrible it was, but I'm sick of people using it as an excuse to screw up their lives.  Get on with it!! Ya, the experience was hell. It wasn't like going through a war or anything, but it was HELL!  Well, it's time to get on with your life and stop using it as an excuse to make your life SHIT.  I hate parents who send their kids to these horrendous places, but I think kids who use it as a reason not to take responsibility for their life are just as bad.  

Please think about what I'm saying.  I'm not attacking you.  I just want you to surpass the shit that you went through and make a life for yourself.  That means growing up and taking responsibility for what happens from this day forward.  You can't keep using the past as a get out of "jail free card."

[Cayo Hueso]

Sounds to me like you had a bad day.  I didn't take it like you were blaming anything on anyone, except for maybe a few nightmares.  I've had them and I've felt just like you do.  There AREN'T many people around who can understand what we went through.  It comes up in me from time to time.  I either come here and post or call a friend that I still am in touch with that I knew in there.  Those kinds of days are a lot less frequent than when I first found these sites.  They tend to bring up a lot.  Long ago I stopped trying to explain to friends what happened in there.  I can think of only one other than the friend I mentioned above.  They weren't in a program but we were friends before I went in and she knew about Straight before I went in.  We had a few friends that had been sent.

I look at this like a rape trauma or any other type of major trauma in life.  It doesn't rule my life anymore, but there are still times that the memories/dreams are too vivid.

Is uniformity [of opinion] attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites.
http://laissezfairebooks.com/product.cfm?op=view&pid=FF7485&aid=10247' target='_new'>Thomas Jefferson

[Anonymous]

I hear you. It is difficult if not impossible for someone who has not experienced this to understand or fully grasp all of it. I personally tell everyone and anyone. I've told strangers and all my friends know something on some level. I don't tell it with a great deal of pain or emotion, I just tell it like it is. This is my life. This is my childhood. Period. Some get it. Some don't. I don't mind the "Oh my Gods".

I Think what the next poster is forgetting is that it is completely normal (if not expected) for people to reminisce, or talk about their lives, childhood, experiences and family with friends. In fact it's a normal occurrence that people at work or in social situations casually ask questions about just that all the time. Everyone does this. What is not normal are the experiences you and others have had and it is difficult to mention these things without that reaction and all the questions. I also understand that your family relationship, as a result of this place, persists in effecting your life to this day and regardless of what happened then. You would not be human if you weren't effected by this in some way from time to time as it is an ongoing effect of this. It is sad to me that so many families have been ripped apart. I don't hear any blame. It's great that there is a place that people can just say... and have a sense that others know exactly what they are talking about. Isn't that what this forum is all about? It's unfortunate that there are individuals that want to try to belittle this or think that just posting or talking about it indicates some sort of blame or lack of "taking responsibility." I didn't hear any blame, or here you saying your life was "shit" either and the funny thing is that professionals and experts actually do liken the trauma effects of this to being "in the war". Trauma is trauma whether incest, rape, assault, war or abuse. I love the way this person is trying to act like they are trying to help you? Tough love? Yes, I remember it well. Unfortunately it's not the most effective way to help someone or to relate, and I find it sad that this poster is stuck and still has not realized that after all these years.

[Antigen]

On 2004-03-11 07:41:00, Anonymous wrote:

 it is completely normal (if not expected) for people to reminisce, or talk about their lives, childhood, experiences and family with friends. In fact it's a normal occurrence that people at work or in social situations casually ask questions about just that all the time. Everyone does this.

Indeed! I just tell people I was raised by wolves.

I look at it like this. Through no fault of my own, I got ripped the fuck off! It's obvious, even when I don't try to think of it. My husband has friends going all the way back to middle school. I don't have any of those. Some of my (coolest) neighbors are raising their kids in the homes they grew up in w/ the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and that cranky old lady down the lane (every neighborhood's got one). I'm jealous! But not resentful.

I listen to some of these young men who come around to see my oldest daughter. They're all about restoring junk cars to shining glory, the latest fundraiser or competition among the local volunteer fire houses and other matters of vital importance. It makes me very nastalgic for the days when my big brothers were volunteer firemen. And it makes me very sad to reflect that there are no more vulunteer fire houses in Pompano Beach, Florida.

So I teach my kids to value these things. They will never know what it's like to see the back of their mother's head and know that she means it right from the heart. That helps, it really does. There's no changing the past, but I can learn from it and not make the same mistakes.

 

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
-- Margaret Mead

[Anonymous]

Thanks you guys : ) It wasn't on my mind so much today as it was yesterday. Still in a bit of a slump but I'm avoiding unecessary stresses right now in order to be balanced. I usually work too hard including on my so called time off. Today I did the most minimal amount of work I could and felt awesome about it. I'm staying away from people who are causing stress in my life. I'll get back to them and work it out when I'm ready. If I get overwhelmed it quickly affects my health and I can't afford to do that to myself anymore. I also didn't look at my watch while stuck in traffic today, which is just one of those little things I need to do to accept that shit happens and I'm doing my best.

As to the person who responded with a get over it post, I read the first two lines then glanced over, because I expect there to be some of those people always involved in these forums, because they are repeating what they were taught. You'll also see when one woman reports a rape, another woman saying she should have kept her mouth shut. Everyone copes with abuse in their own way.

I'm glad that I can deal with it this way and you guys are willing to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Your original post is so very true... you said it well.  I still have those days, some 10 plus yrs out - where I think that bs is resonating in me & no one in my life in present day could ever "get it" - "get ME".  And it would be SO KEY if they  could GET IT.  It separates us - this website, though many use it to divulge anger - is good for that.  But if only the ones I love today - could really see - could really understand...

EXCUSE?  My ASS!  This person is not looking for a crutch - they are sharing how it feels to have lived thru something most people in our lives today can't begin to imagine.

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2004-03-11 08:57:00, Antigen wrote:


I look at it like this. Through no fault of my own, I got ripped the fuck off! It's obvious, even when I don't try to think of it. My husband has friends going all the way back to middle school. I don't have any of those.

That's so much of what really pisses me off.  I can deal with the fact that it was abusive, it's not like I sit around and feel like shit about stuff that happened 22 years ago.  No, it's the critical things that we were all robbed of.  The time and patience and freedom and encouragement and guidance to get through whatever difficult times we were having in our lives at the time, or just the hardships of being a typical teen.  THAT'S what gets to me.  My dad STILL says...'Straight saved your life', look where you were headed'.  FUCK!!!  Why is it that all my friends that I was hanging out with at the time did far worse than I did, never had ANY treatment or therapy and every one, every one (of the core of about 6 of us) are very successful, very happy people leading normal lives.  They had parents that understood the need for a child/teen to find their own autonomy, they GET how crucial it is to allow them find their own way.  It's hard, I know it is.  I'm still dealing with it.  Oldest moved out, I worry about her, youngest is 16 and about to have the freedom of a car and I worry about her, but what good is it going to do to take them out of everything they know and feel secure in and force them to change whatever behavior it is that I dont' like before they have learned whatever lesson it is that they are supposed to learn?  

It all makes me so sad.  I'm sad for the proms and senior cruises and the chance to go to a university and be a college student with people my own age.  I'm sad for the uncorrupted, optomistic view of the world I was supposed to have at that age.  I look at my daughters and their friends and they're all so excited about their lives and the times that are coming and yeee haw, they're all going to change the world.  They dream of things that I'll never understand.  I'm sad for the opportunities to learn that were lost that I ended up trying to figure out at inappropriate times in my life.  Lessons that should have been learned in my teen years that I spent learning bit by bit in my adult years when my peers seemed so far ahead of me.  I'm sad for the faith in myself that I lost.  It's taken me 22 years to BEGIN to get it back.

For all of you out there who are fond on telling us to 'get over it' (well, the ones who say it not as a joke), how dare you?  We're not whining about getting sat on or called whores or that we couldn't watch TV or whatever else physically happened to us.  These people did so much more than just hit us or spit on us or call us names.  They damaged the core of our souls.  and in the end, that's all we have.  What greater crime is there than to break or damage someone's very spirit so willfully, callously and completely without regret?

After all, who wouldn't prefer Middle Earth, unless they've been corrupted by a Ring of Power?



http://www.lewrockwell.com/elkins/elkins73.html' target='_new'>December 24, 2002

[Anonymous]

It's me the original poster again... I'm only being anonymous here this time because sometimes I like the freedom to share that way, just so you know. I don't censor myself this way.

You know I was only in there for a little over a year, but that one year was the longest year of my life and it took many more years out of me. You think you can just get free and hop back into regular society right away but it just didn't work out that way. Maybe some people can do that, but I couldn't return to a regular highschool again with "normal" kids. I also had the weight on my shoulders of needing to make enough money to be safe from my parents. Simply not living with them was not enough. I had to be able to travel far to get away from them so that they wouldn't do it again. I see these kids who live with their parents during their first year of school or whatever, and I think, wow, I've beeb on my own since I became a teenager. Imagine if I could have had all that extra rest? Maybe I wouldn't have smile lines and crows feet before 30.

[Antigen]

So then you know how important it is to your kids and your grandkids or neices and nephews or friends' kids. That's invaluable education.

Under the benign influence of our republican institutions, and the maintenance of peace with all nations whilst so many of them were engaged in bloody and wasteful wars, the fruits of a just policy were enjoyed in an unrivaled growth of our faculties and resources.
http://www.angelfire.com/pa/sergeman/foundingdocs/inaugural/madison1stinaug.html' target='_new'>James Madison

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2004-03-14 15:14:00, Anonymous wrote:

Maybe I wouldn't have smile lines and crows feet before 30. "

Wear those crows feet proudly, I do.  I EARNED 'em. :em:

The most fundamental purpose of government is defense, not empire.
--Joseph Sobran