Molly,
I've always found it hard to give responses to questions like this. There are just so many details and specifics that are unknown to me... even the essence of a situation, with all it's subtle nuances, which make up the complete tapestry of this living, existent situation of your's. I don t know of any boarding school that I could recommend. I know of few, and the ones I do, I've only heard mostly bad things about.... and also just from my point of view, in my own mind, it is hard to see how a boarding school, of all things, is going to help your son with his condition.
Here is my perspective. I'm not answering as an expert, or even someone who went to a program. I'm just gonna tell ya what I would do, 'cause why the hell not? I wouldn't be looking for a safety net. I wouldn t be preparing for a failure that has not yet occurred, but rather, focusing all my attention, on my boy staying in his school, as you said, you do not want to send him away.
I wouldn t think twice about it. I wouldn t waste my time thinking about it. If, in the end, I could not keep him in his school, it would not be for lack of my trying, or due to my preparing my mind for an ensuing failure. And if it did go down that way, I would deal with it then. Life is fluid. You gotta go with what you have now, and make the best of it.
My perspective is that, if you are already saying ' hopefully his school will keep him, but if not we got such and such place already planned out', it's like you already have him all locked up in your mind... like a problem needing a solution, not a person. ' ( I am not trying to criticize but only offering an outside perspective.)
Let's say he improves, and starts doing amazingly... Do you have a safety net for that? ( see where I'm going with this?)
For me, I would just decide how I want this to go, and then asking questions based on that....
Is it possible to do this? Has anyone done this? What can help? Basically- How can I do this?-
It starts with a solid resolution to keep your son with you, and help him develop to be his best. I would tell myself that this is important to me, and I am going to get it done. I would seek out my own resources. i would listen to the ones, that were useful to me, and build on those.
As far as the doc only believing in using drugs, as a last resort, personally, I am in full alignment with that. I do a very small, but important bit of knowledge on neuroscience, and of the belief, that yes brain chemistry absolutely effects behavior, BUT almost every time, our brain chemistry is at the effect of our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. You say that the test confirmed he had ADHD.. In my viewpoint, of course, it did. It only told you what you already know.. If it didn t, then that would just mean that he is an actor. It's like watching the weather on TV to confirm you really see rain outside your window..
But most people do not think of it that way. Tests are all official and important, and this one has confirmed that your child has a condition.... But you have to be very careful here... There is always the pull to blow the condition out of proportion, and this is bad... We like confirmation of a condition, because if it is an actual thing with an actual name, then we can cure it .. and we can say " Hey .. he has a condition. Give him a break.. It's not his fault, and it's not ours... he has a condition dammit!"
But in this particular situation, there are problems with this- One being that a psychological condition is not the same thing as a medical condition, because we are as far in this area of study, as we were eons ago, in medicine. All they have is theories, hopes, and along list of failures.. most of them anyway.
The other is this, and this is very , very important in my mind- If you get focused on the condition, you lose sight of the person, and if you lose sight of the person, you lose ALL hope of helping him. That's a fact. Our brain chemistry effects our behavior, but the only health way to change the brain chemistry almost every time, is through the person.. Through the person!
A Spartans had different brain chemistry then you and I . Different beliefs.. different ideas. I have different brain chemistry when I am relaxing then when I am working my ass off.
Let's say a person has a belief that keeps them trapped in a state if fear or anxiety, perhaps, it so deep, that they are not even aware of it.. That could account for it.. Traumatic loss or phobias never dealt with could account for it.
The way I see it, ( and granted this is just the way I see it), you have 2 choices:
You can be the average human being, accept that your child, is very intelligent but also diseased. let society cater to the disease. he will probably never get better, but you can always blame the disease, and the condition. people will understand. they have to or they will be considered inconsiderate. many people will offer their hope and counsle.. priests family, neighbors , etc. all in a big drama to get nowhere... and many people will take over many things for you and relieve some of the burden, as for every disease there is at least one expert, taht just loves to have a diagnosis of which they know all...
or you can take a heroic approach.. Forget the disease, and focus on the boy.. Focus on the boy.. Focus on the boy.. get it done .. make it happen. It will be messy, unclean, with no illusions of certainty.. Lots of times you will make progress, only to lose it later.. You will not be able to view him as a victim anymore, and it will take discpline on your part to move forward. most people will disagree with what you are doing, and almost no one will support you, and in the end, hopefully, you get the job done.
As I see it, there is no cure. There is only you. there is you, and your boy, and your hope and intentions for him, because in the end, there is no one in this world, who will care about him as you do. Me, I just don t think I d give up. but again, I don t no any of the particulars..
Be well.. Take care..
Paul St. John
PS I hope this ain t Whooter..