General Interest > Thought Reform
the DISSOCIATION issue
starry-eyed pirate:
:roflmao: ...o. Man. Yeah. :rofl:
social-identity-crisis-breakdown. whoA! ...Gettin burned by the sun...
O0 :peace: :poison:
starry-eyed pirate:
I think the low affect is one of the most peculiar effects of the trauma, if "trauma" is really even the right word. I would rather call it "imprisonment". or "punishment". Low affect is the inability to react spontaneously. It means your face is dead, doesn't express emotion. It comes from having to hide your natural inclinations under the threat of psychic destruction, having to hide who you are for every waking moment for the duration of your captivity. Keeping secrets was a way of protecting identity. But you could never betray yourself in group so you had to always be on your toes, so to speak, ready to deflect, twist, spin or turn any accusation that the group might lay on you into something you "felt good about". You had to hide your "real self" behind your adopted $tr8 personality. It seems that I maintained separate selves... separate identities, as a survival tactic. Hmph. Such is Life.
Yeah, and I think the longer you were in there the worse it was. The 1st time I copped out of $tr8 I was on day 64, and when I met my ol "druggie" girlfriend, I couldn't speak to her naturally. I had to force the slang in an awkward way and it was noticeably uncomfortable, and I didn't even know how to act with her, it was surreal, but if I hadn't been returned to the program after 2 days, I think I could've made a pretty quick recovery, although, I would never think of my parents in the same way again. If I hadn't been kept there so long, I might've escaped the development of hardcore foreign mental attachments and patterns in my habitual thinking, which once established became practically unconscious, leaving discrepencies in my life, I still can't even describe. The people who told me, years ago, to "just get over it" are quite naive. It takes a very long time to even look at with any objectivity.
The struggle for dominance between "selves" becomes more pronounced after the program pressure fades, and the "real self" begins to slowly re-assert itself within the context of an adult world your not ready for. The social pressure to function in the society is so great though, that one finds one's self assuming a characterization of some archetypal identity in order to cope, as in my case, the "redneck personality". So that after a while there are 2 eminence fronts, or public selves, the $tr8 personality and the coping, "redneck personality". They are on the surface and together take up most of the whole, while underneath the wounded and fragile, "real self" struggles to return.
As the realization slowly dawns on you that you're separate selves/identities are in conflict with each other, you are primed for the grand-mal breakdown.
I think, $tr8 was one of the really harsh programs and if you were in there for 6 months, or even less, to a year or more I'd expect you to have experienced some similar form of the psychological shuckin and jivin. The longer you were in there the greater the potential for lasting psychological damage.
Namaste.
seamus:
Low affect is also a gardenvariety symptom of depression, which Ive concluded kinda comes with the territory. Some times too its like havig been drained,or depleted of some emotional material, just feelin empty like theres just nothin there,little if nothing to react with.Like an old car thats just plain out of gas.
Awake:
--- Quote from: "starry-eyed pirate" ---Thanks for your contribution, Awake. Here's an old thread that might interest you.
http://www.fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.ph ... ty#p127884
--- End quote ---
That is exactly what I was trying to get at in this thread, thanks Pirate. I read your post and it is very strikingly smilar to what I experienced in the after effects of Cedu, and other accounts I have read. I can relate to much of what was said. My ability to communicate with people suffered in a way I couldn’t figure out. It was like I was always questioning whether I couldn’t trust other people, or myself, and seemed like trying to connect with others just added to my confliction. It seemed like there were times I was convinced my instincts were wrong and I just needed to trust others, but somehow I couldn’t judge my boundaries correctly because I’d be too open, or get taken advantage of, or maybe I was just misinterpreting it all. So then there were time I was convinced that people were manipulative, or fake, and even deluded to the point that they don’t know that’s what they are doing. I sort of took the attitude that people were ultimately going to take advantage of me even if they didn’t know it, I found myself being defensive and off-putting to people who were joking around or being friendly. At times I questioned if I was crazy or if everyone else was, either way I felt I had to accept that I could not identify with others and felt isolated with or without them. I also struggled with the program philosophy in the same way. Did that thinking really represent the nature of the people around me? If not people are certainly much better at maintaining false impressions than me. If they are being genuine, then I am just different. At times I was so distrustful of myself I wondered if the program was right about me, and I couldn’t even tell for myself how I was supposed to be myself. I actually let those Cedu tools seep in at times, all of them are pretty distinctly for the purpose of dissociating, or splitting the self concept into parts and putting them in conflict. Something I was going to bring up.
It is always difficult to try to judge from the perspective of any program but my own, but I have to wonder if creating dissociated states of mind was the overall intention, to crush the individual will by plaguing the mind with inner conflict and self doubt.
Froderik:
Christ almighty...this sort of thing can make it that much more difficult to live with another person.
Over the years I clung to people for survival, but hardly ever minded being alone.
I split on at least four women over the years, without even telling them I was leaving. Left a note once.
I'd take a cab or a plane and be moved elsewhere just like that, usually over what amounted to nothing..
Just because i somehow couldn't deal with living with someone..I had difficulty resolving everyday differences that arise in most relationships...
Like you, I sometimes could get to wondering what people are about, and whether i might be the one who is sane..
I try to be the easy-going type, but it doesn't always pan out that way... :wall: :timeout: :heartbreak: :ftard:
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