Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Seed Discussion Forum
PTSD : POST TRAUMATIC SEED DISORDER
Anonymous:
reply to the abortion that libbi wanted me to have. she stated that if i had the baby my husband would go back to using drugs. my thoughts are that they wanted complete control. why haven't other married seedling had kids? another reason was my father-in-law was well to do and every time my husband would get laid off from work he was told to sit in the group and to call his dad for money instead of looking for another job. my in-laws recieved many letters for donations from the seed. lord only knows how much my in-laws donated till i put a halt to it. my husband wasn't even on the program anymore. they wanted to hook us but i wasnt going for it. we were told that we would never amount to anything. well art barker if you are read this you can kiss my ... i really don't waste my time thinking about all the negative things. i do think about all the people that have been victimized like us and where are they? what happened to them? so many where there one day and gone the next without an explaination except the f..... up. my son was a little blonde. he was expected at the age of 2 to act like a seedling. many of attempts of molding him were made. he is now 21. healthy . he does not recall much of the seed or their ways thank God! i do have brown hair. the other couple that you were think of had a little boy with brown hair and the wife was a seedling. the husband was not in the seed till after his wife was in the program for a while. they were in the military. my husband is originally from ontario. im from cleveland. we have been married for 23 yrs. we have the four children and live a very normal life. we make our own dissions in life and have for a long time. we dont see many people from the seed anymore. when we got married most of our wedding party were people from the seed. a couple from columbus area and some from cleveland. two from the cleveland area who i just found out has passed. there are many who i cared so much about that are no longer in our lives. i miss some friendships. i always wondered if there were others who have felt the way i did. no one would ever discuss their true feelings. seedling have lived the biggest lies. bye for now.
Anonymous:
seedlings have lived big lies, anon, but so have other cult members. The Seed was actually two cults in one, and you were in the most damaging aspect of the Seed, the inner core close to Art. This society is chock full of ex moonies, ex seedlings, straightlings,hare krisna, EST and other cults. Many don't even realize they were in a dangerous group, that was always the other group. We all live a lie to some extent.
You sound like you have come thru the other side, and I am happy and proud of you for overcoming what some never do.
GregFL
BTW, did you ever here my story about Art by the Pool and Me some 25 years ago? I am dying for some one else to step up and tell what they know about this event. It was a big deal for me and I am sure it had to be a big deal at the Seed.
pigeon:
Just read this entire subject heading for the first time. Amazed by the postings about the seed as something positive. I do not think of the seed as a positive experience in my life! They
stole my mind, seperated me from my family and kept me living in constant fear long after I had graduated. I was twelve when my parents put me in there so when the staff and my oldcomers said they could read my mind--see right through me-- I believed it. Unlike some other people, who said they eventually hit a point where they realized they were just faking it I never cam to that realization. I wish I had. Instead I struggled to control my mind, secretly fearing that I would be discovered and put back on the front row for nothing worse then then thinking some guy was cute or not making my bed. I've always said it was brainwashing I've always said it was more like a cult then a treatment center. This site has helped me pinpoint more clearly why that is true.
I have chronic muscle pain and a therapist once suggested to me it may have been caused by the constant stress and tension I experienced at the seed.
I was in group therapy for survivors of sexual abuse and kept wondering why everyone else said they felt safer together talking about those things but I did not. Finally I realized that because of the seed a group is not a safe place for me, I was abused by a group.
Now to my mixed feelings. Unlike many of you I do not think of my pre-seed friends fondly either. They were mostly high school boys who molested me, girls who regularly turned on me, boys my age, who I once saw dislocated a girl's hip while trying to gang rape her in a boy scout fun house at a school fair(yes, they were boy scouts.) I remember when I went back to school I was happy that I couldn't talk to them. I remember that it was suddenly easy to have no friends where previosly it had been so important that I ended up with the worst friends imaginable. In my less guarded moments, I wished I had just done it myself and avoided the seed but I am pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to. I feared the seed more than I feared my old friends and because of that I learned that my old gang couldn't hurt me if I didn't have anything to do with them. Sometimes it feels like six of one half dozen of another abuse by my friends or abuse in the seed. The seed at least had an end although I realize the damage is endless. It took me about five years to admit to myself that I hated it there and about ten to admit that it was an abusive cult.
Does anyone else have these sort of mixed feelings?
GregFL:
I never really was conflicted because I was so angry about the seed and the lack of understanding and rejection I got for fighting the conformity, but I understand those that do.
I feel bad that you had to choose one abusive situation over another that on the surface appeared more abusive. It is tragic that we all share a lost childhood, but nice that we can talk about it among people who understand.
As for not feeling safe in Groups, After the Seed I spent considerable effort not allowing myself to think about what I went thru, but I never resloved why after leaving the Seed I always felt panic whelling up in me whenever I got in any group, especially groups seperated in two with a speaker. Be it church, rotary club meetings, whatever, I still to this day, 30 years later, usually excuse myself and go outside until the meeting is over. The experience was that powerfull to my young pysche that I carry forward to this day remnants, scars, that were put there so many years ago. These church and other groups somehow now enable my flight mechanism and represent danger to me emotionally, even tho intellectually I know better.
Thanks for your post Pigeon.
pigeon:
Yeah, groups really make me contrary, argumenative. I think it's the flight or fight response. I couldn't fight before, so I fight now.
When I was in group therapy I was always "the truth teller," which was fine but it's sort of isolating to always be confrontational.
When I first realized what I had really gone thru in the seed I had this fantasy that I would go back(graduates always welcomed, right?)put up my hand and tell them off. Never actually tried to do it, way to scarey.
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