Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > New Info

Renaissance or Renaissance Project - Ellenville, NY

<< < (2/3) > >>

Seems like im haunted as hell too, in a fashion. I personally dont do 12 step either. I just know what I dont want. And when I crash and burn, ill do anything BUT use. Maybe Ill drink to excess for a while ,maybe not.But no narcotics.None.Then Im not sure if salvage is as accurate but I say kind of RE-invent myself...and move on.The fuck ups ive made are legion,and some of biblical proportion, but I keep getting up again. Some times my regrets are too much to bear...but so what. Dont worry about the alledged experts, They mostly serve only themselves.

I think that’s the thing….you NEVER stop being haunted.  After a point, when you’ve been away from dope long enough and feel sure you’ll never use again (even if it’s just cuz your veins are pretty wasted), there are always demons - and regrets - to fight.

I wish I took solace in the drink but it’s never offered me much comfort.  Sometimes a little weed here and there.   At the very least, it calms me down.  It's been years since I've slept without a xanax or a clonapin.

You're definitely not alone with your List of Fuck Ups of Legion & Biblical Proportions.  It takes years of work and dedication to fucking one’s self up to compile a *truly* respectable List (assuming you survive the process).  I could fill a couple of library shelves with mine…

And I don’t worry about the alleged “experts.”  Fuck ‘em.  I don’t believe anything anyone tells me about anything.  I’ve always had to find things out for myself, firsthand.  Which, ya know, has been a blessing and a curse  ;-)

One more thing.... learning how to NOT "crash and burn" is a skill that seems on par with...I don't know, becoming a virtuouso pianist or a brain surgeon.  At least for me.  How do regular people (non ex addicts) learn that shit?  Seriously.  I know it sounds retarded, but I look at people around me - regular people with average skills and abilities - and LIFE comes so naturally to them.  They get jobs, get married, maintain relationships.....and it all seems so easy.  There's little to no crash-and-burn factor for them.  I'm eternally in awe, and more than a little jealous....

yep I seem to limp trhu life from disaster to disaster, bounce off a this ,into that. Cant ever really be a "team player" according to some. but then again I always hated "joiners".  Dont do well with relationships(just ask an x) been xcomunicated from the bulk of my family,for sundry reasons. The only thing I really know is that Ill get by. :nods:

I was at Renaissance with you, I think. I wish I knew who you are! I came around Nov 1980 and left in Jan 1982. I was a bit older than you, 20. I was an unusual resident because I didn't really have a drug problem just a really bad behavior problem. My mom was a psychologist who believed i tough love and she convinced me to go. All these years later, the whole thing seems like a bad dream. For me, it managed to act as a wake call on some positive levels, but it was also profoundly unsophisticated and caused plenty of damage. The counselors were ham-fisted and completely out of their depth. They didn't have a clue what I was about and because I came from a fancy family, the mocked me like a bunch of street-y nuckleheads. The place gave me a way to start over, to reassess all the horrible choices I'd made in late adolescence, to reconnect with my family, but no one there had any real training and their intimidation and sleep-deprivation techniques often bordered on the dangerous. I remember watching them rank out a teenager who tried to come out as gay. It was really awful and I had to step in, though I had no standing and they tried to drown me out. I was sad to hear Collerell had died; what of? He was weird but well intentioned. I came in at the same time as he. I am still friendly with a guy named Nick Miele who became a counselor in the late 1980s. He now lives in South Beach.
For what it's worth, my life has turned out very well. I don't look back on Renaissance with fondness but as I said, it was the beginning of me turning my life around.


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version