kinda like how we get conditioned to respond to order, when chaos is probably a more natural state. Seems sometimes my childhood conditioned me to see everything as my fault, that I was weak, disobedient,bad stupid,never amount to shit. So some body later on when some of the tree they planted bore fruit,they could say see, I told ya so.....Everything is about breaking (or at least badly bending) your will.Thats the double bind im stuck in. When I think back on it str8 only gave one of my parents one more name to call me....druggie. I had a parent who spent 40 fucking years,trying to break my will,standing in oposition of every dream I ever had,and ultimately when that didnt work( other than robbin me of self esteem,and hope) they hired a subcontractor, str8. I struggle with this every goddamn day.When I should have been learnind how to live I was busy tryin to survive one lockup after another, in the brief periods when I wasnt all locked up I walked around fucking bewildered,and fairly certain that I had a sign on my forehead that read " just got out of bein in(inset facility here) and being behind the curve as far as any sort of real world skills to get me ahead. Always in remediation,playin fuckin catch up, and mostly failing miserably.
So now ,here I am ,lookin down the barrel of 50.....wonderin how in the fuck did I (a) live this long and (b) get so far behind.
Any time somebody tries to help, I cant take it, im just to distrustful( cause I remember what that help thing REALLY means) I really wish I could never drink again. Prolly not gonna happen, I mean what,am I gonna go to AA? PFFFT... I can only sruggle thru any sort of "self help" thing with a pessimistic ,sceptical.....cant drink the cool-aid kind a point of view.