On 2004-03-17 13:10:00, Anonymous wrote:
"What now?
Now that he's sprung from WWASP.
How does a parent earn the trust again?
How long does the parent allow him to
rage in their face?
Where's the website with the
after care?
urgently needed
now"
This is actually positive---that your child trusts you enough to rage.
It may seem awfully negative, and it needs to be dealt with so he/she can cope better. Rage isn't a great way to deal with anger.
*But* rage means that he/she is open enough to you to communicate with you at all, instead of just completely shutting you out.
(He/she is getting cumbersome. For the sake of argument I'll just use "he".)
One of the ways to better deal with his rage is to see if he'll go with you to a counselor. Get a good family therapist or minister---let your kid choose the therapist or minister.
The therapist or minister is for *you*. You're probably still suffering from some residual beliefs left over from the con's brainwashing and propaganda. They could make it difficult for you to *really* listen to your kid without chalking up what he's saying to "manipulation"---if the therapist *he* picks doesn't think he's being manipulative, then you shouldn't either.
One of the most important things for you dealing with his anger is for you to really listen to him and hear him all the way out, and where you've made mistakes that hurt them, acknowledge the mistake and apologize.
Then, if he wants to move out and keep seeing the therapist, you and he and the therapist might be able to work something out, depending on a lot of things--including age.
Do you mind if I ask if you've got a son or a daughter and how old he/she is? Fifteen is very different from seventeen.
The reason I mentioned moving out is that I believe part of the conflict that leads parents to place their child is not just the normal parental terror at the risks teens take, but also a certain fear of letting go of your kid to make his or her own mistakes.
If your child is old enough to work part time and wants to go that route, or is out of high school or going into alternative or night school, something like that, and can get a job, you might want to let him gradually pursue becoming an emancipated minor.
I don't know if that's possible in his situation, but demonstrating not only a willingness to let go but *also* a genuine desire to keep meeting your teen socially (like taking him out to dinner, or meeting him for lunch, or having him over for dinner now and then) while allowing him to move towards independence---that may be the best thing you can do to start re-establishing trust.
You don't want him to feel like he's being kicked out---if he doesn't want to go, don't make him.
Anyway, knowing nothing more about your situation than that little you've told me, that's some very generic advice that may or may not give you anything you can apply to your relationship with your kid.
