Author Topic: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives  (Read 1843 times)

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Offline Anne Bonney

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Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« on: August 23, 2010, 05:59:13 PM »
Commonly referred to as "helicopter parents" or "velcro parents".


http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/23/educa ... +WlexFvj2Q

GRINNELL, Iowa — In order to separate doting parents from their freshman sons, Morehouse College in Atlanta has instituted a formal “Parting Ceremony.”

It began on a recent evening, with speeches in the Martin Luther King Jr. International Chapel. Then the incoming freshmen marched through the gates of the campus — which swung shut, literally leaving the parents outside.

When University of Minnesota freshmen move in at the end of this month, parental separation will be a little sneakier: mothers and fathers will be invited to a reception elsewhere so students can meet their roommates and negotiate dorm room space — without adult meddling.

As the latest wave of superinvolved parents delivers its children to college, institutions are building into the day, normally one of high emotion, activities meant to punctuate and speed the separation. It is part of an increasingly complex process, in the age of Skype and twice-daily texts home, in which colleges are urging “Velcro parents” to back off so students can develop independence.

Grinnell College here, like others, has found it necessary to be explicit about when parents really, truly must say goodbye. Move-in day for the 415 freshmen was Saturday. After computer printers and duffle bags had been carried to dorm rooms, everyone gathered in the gymnasium, students on one side of the bleachers, parents on the other.

The president welcoming the class of 2014 had his back to the parents — a symbolic staging meant to inspire “an aha! moment,” said Houston Dougharty, vice president of student affairs, “an epiphany where parents realize, ‘My student is feeling more comfortable sitting with 400 people they just met.’ ”

Shortly after, mothers and fathers were urged to leave campus.

Moving their students in usually takes a few hours. Moving on? Most deans can tell stories of parents who lingered around campus for days. At Colgate University in Hamilton, N.Y., a mother and father once went to their daughter’s classes on the first day of the semester and trouped to the registrar’s office to change her schedule, recalled Beverly Low, the dean of first-year students.

“We recognize it’s a huge day for families,” she said. Still, during various parent meetings on Colgate’s move-in day, which is Thursday, Ms. Low and other officials plan to drop not-so-subtle hints that “activities for the class of 2014 begin promptly at 4,” she said.

Formal “hit the road” departure ceremonies are unusual but growing in popularity, said Joyce Holl, head of the National Orientation Directors Association. A more common approach is for colleges to introduce blunt language into drop-off schedules specifying the hour for last hugs. As of 5:30 p.m. on Sept. 11, for example, the parents of Princeton freshmen learn from the move-in schedule, “subsequent orientation events are intended for students only.”

The language was added in recent years to draw a clear line, said Thomas Dunne, the associate dean of undergraduates. “It’s easy for students to point to this notation and say, ‘Hey, Mom, I think you’re supposed to be gone now,’ ” he said. “It’s obviously a hard conversation for students to have with parents.”

For evidence, consider a chat-board thread by new Princeton parents on the Web site College Confidential. “Do parents hang around for a day or two after orientation in case their kids need something?” one poster, mrscollege, asked. “I say no, but we have a friend who is planning to hang around for a while in Princeton for her son just in case.”

Some undergraduate officials see in parents’ separation anxieties evidence of the excesses of modern child-rearing. “A good deal of it has to do with the evolution of overinvolvement in our students’ lives,” said Mr. Dougharty of Grinnell. “These are the baby-on-board parents, highly invested in their students’ success. They do a lot of living vicariously, and this is one manifestation of that.”

He and other student-life officials encourage parents to detach — not just at drop-off but throughout the freshman year, including limiting phone calls and text messages.

Parents, of course, know that in their head. But they still struggle to let go.

After lunch on Saturday at Grinnell, before the hail and farewell ceremony, Gary and Glorialynn Calderon easily welled up while visiting the campus mailroom with their daughter. “It’s hard, we’re overprotective,” Mr. Calderon admitted.

His wife, a kindergarten teacher, said Grinnell’s message that at 4 p.m. college was starting and parents must go reminded her of what she tells the mothers and fathers of her pupils on the first day of school: “Say goodbye and just leave, because the kids calm down.”

Their daughter, Aileen, a softball player, said that she had initially been fearful about starting college, but “now I’m excited and ready to go.”

That seemed altogether typical of the freshmen, who were looking forward to the “floor bonding” exercises with dorm mates and were failing to share parental nostalgia.

The pressure to let go had really begun a year earlier while touring colleges, said Leslie Nelson, who with his wife, Jill Hayman, had spent three days driving their son, Micah, from New York City.

Ms. Hayman corrected her husband: “I think the pressure starts when the umbilical cord falls off,” she said. “I’m not the only mom here who’s been dreading this since that day.”

As a comfort, she had read books about the stages of grief. “You have to just allow yourself to experience the loss and grieve over what’s gone,” she said.

But Micah was eager to get on with it. “I haven’t been thinking about anything they’ve been saying,” he said, as his parents looked on.

As for Mr. Dougharty of Grinnell College, for the first time in his academic career he missed his own campus’s move-in day. He and his wife were busy Saturday, dropping off their only child, Allie, at Earlham College in Richmond, Ind., to begin her freshman year.

Mr. Dougharty had made reservations at a bed-and-breakfast near the campus for Saturday night, but then his wife, Kimberly, questioned why they should stay around after dropping Allie off.

“I had to look at myself in the mirror,” Mr. Dougharty said. “I had thought, ‘On Sunday morning we can swing by and take Allie to breakfast.’ Kimberly was good and sane — ‘We have to get down the road.’ ”
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Pile of Dead Kids

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2010, 06:03:37 PM »
Quote
You have to just allow yourself to experience the loss and grieve over what’s gone

Oh wow, we've got a whole 'nother stadium full of dementia here.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
...Sergey Blashchishen, James Shirey, Faith Finley, Katherine Rice, Ashlie Bunch, Brendan Blum, Caleb Jensen, Alex Cullinane, Rocco Magliozzi, Elisa Santry, Dillon Peak, Natalynndria Slim, Lenny Ortega, Angellika Arndt, Joey Aletriz, Martin Anderson, James White, Christening Garcia, Kasey Warner, Shirley Arciszewski, Linda Harris, Travis Parker, Omega Leach, Denis Maltez, Kevin Christie, Karlye Newman, Richard DeMaar, Alexis Richie, Shanice Nibbs, Levi Snyder, Natasha Newman, Gracie James, Michael Owens, Carlton Thomas, Taylor Mangham, Carnez Boone, Benjamin Lolley, Jessica Bradford's unnamed baby, Anthony Parker, Dysheka Streeter, Corey Foster, Joseph Winters, Bruce Staeger, Kenneth Barkley, Khalil Todd, Alec Lansing, Cristian Cuellar-Gonzales, Janaia Barnhart, a DRA victim who never even showed up in the news, and yet another unnamed girl at Summit School...

Offline Oz girl

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2010, 03:44:27 AM »
In some ways I feel sorry for empty nesting parents. It is natural to grieve when your kid leaves home. Because most kids here don't necessarily move away to go to university here. It is common to live at home for the first year or 2 of uni. My family had various people living there on and off well into their early 20s. If kids do share a place or live in a university college they often drop home with washing and to raid the fridge anyway. But there is a sense that after high school ends no parent wants to know what their young adult is ingesting/ sleping with/doing for fun. It is also taken for granted that parents only nag about study till the kids finish high school. Then they are on their own.
I am actually a little surprised that the kids tolerate mum hanging about. Here it is common whether the kid is 18 or 23 for mum and dad to avoid visiting the kid on their own turf. There is always the sense that there will be a bong/obnoxious poster/reference to someones sex life hanging about that mum and dad doesn't approve of so most figure it is easier to let the kid come home to them or to meet at a restaurant and buy dinner for JR that way everyone is happy. The only drawback for parent is if the kid brings a tribe of friends with them looking for a meal. I wonder if part of he clingyness here is that it is more common for american kids to move a long way away for university.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2010, 08:00:16 AM by Oz girl »
n case you\'re worried about what\'s going to become of the younger generation, it\'s going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.-Roger Allen

Offline Whooter

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2010, 07:58:27 AM »
Quote from: "Oz girl"
In some ways I feel sorry for empty nesting parents. It is natural to grieve when your kid leaves home. Because most kids here don't necessarily move away to go to university here. It is common to live at home for the first year or 2 of uni. My family had various people living there on and off well into their early 20s. If kids do share a place or live in a university college they often drop home with washing and to raid the fridge anyway. But there is a sense that after high school ends no parent wants to know what their young adult is ingesting/ sleping with/doing for fun. It is also taken for granted that parents only nag about study till the kids finish school. Then they are on their own.
I am actually a little surprised that the kids tolerate mum hanging about. Here it is common whether the kid is 18 or 23 for mum and dad to avoid visiting the kid on their own turf. There is always the sense that there will be a bong/obnoxious poster/reference to someones sex life hanging about that mum and dad doesn't approve of so most figure it is easier to let the kid come home to them or to meet at a restaurant and buy dinner for JR that way everyone is happy. The only drawback for parent is if the kid brings a tribe of friends with them looking for a meal. I wonder if part of he clingyness here is that it is more common for american kids to move a long way away for university.

In General lower to middle class tend to live in the same community as their parents after they graduate from highschool or attend a local college.  These kids live at home and commute and eventually move out to a neighboring town.

Upper middle to upper class kids travel far and wide to attend a university and the parents typically have no problem letting go because they have the means to visit for holidays and are use to being apart because travel is part of their lives.  These kids tend to not live in the same neighborhoods they were brought up in and spread throughout the world.

Its the middle population who smother their children and control every aspect of their day, review every page of homework and check their teeth on prom night that have a difficult time letting go.  Many of these parents have lost sight of their own lives and goals and have invested too much of themselves in their children and therefore have a difficult time letting go.  Like children these parents need to find something to keep them busy like golf or local community services, while their children learn how to fly out of the nest.



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Botched Programming

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2010, 08:31:49 PM »
Quote from: "Whooter"

In General lower to middle class tend to live in the same community as their parents after they graduate from highschool or attend a local college.  These kids live at home and commute and eventually move out to a neighboring town.

Upper middle to upper class kids travel far and wide to attend a university and the parents typically have no problem letting go because they have the means to visit for holidays and are use to being apart because travel is part of their lives.  These kids tend to not live in the same neighborhoods they were brought up in and spread throughout the world.

Its the middle population who smother their children and control every aspect of their day, review every page of homework and check their teeth on prom night that have a difficult time letting go.  Many of these parents have lost sight of their own lives and goals and have invested too much of themselves in their children and therefore have a difficult time letting go.  Like children these parents need to find something to keep them busy like golf or local community services, while their children learn how to fly out of the nest.

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What a crock of shit... Nuturing kids is what people need to do instead of putting them in warehouses.. thats the problem... money can buy many things but parents need to spend the time being a part of kids lives instead of wanting someone else to fix their kids..
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Whooter

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2010, 08:54:35 PM »
Quote from: "Botched Programming"
Quote from: "Whooter"

In General lower to middle class tend to live in the same community as their parents after they graduate from highschool or attend a local college.  These kids live at home and commute and eventually move out to a neighboring town.

Upper middle to upper class kids travel far and wide to attend a university and the parents typically have no problem letting go because they have the means to visit for holidays and are use to being apart because travel is part of their lives.  These kids tend to not live in the same neighborhoods they were brought up in and spread throughout the world.

Its the middle population who smother their children and control every aspect of their day, review every page of homework and check their teeth on prom night that have a difficult time letting go.  Many of these parents have lost sight of their own lives and goals and have invested too much of themselves in their children and therefore have a difficult time letting go.  Like children these parents need to find something to keep them busy like golf or local community services, while their children learn how to fly out of the nest.

...

What a crock of shit... Nuturing kids is what people need to do instead of putting them in warehouses.. thats the problem... money can buy many things but parents need to spend the time being a part of kids lives instead of wanting someone else to fix their kids..

Perfect example of what I am talking about Botched.  You responded to that post without even reading it.  You blow smoke without even listening.  You have a closed mind.  No parent would ever listen to you because you dont listen to them or their concerns.  You have already made up your mind about the industry and parents and you are not open to learning something new.

The post you responded to wasnt even about programs.  The thread is about parenting.

Read the post again and then read your response and try to tell me that you listen to people.

You are a joke.



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Botched Programming

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2010, 09:02:57 PM »
Who...  You are the joke a bad one but none the less a freaking joke... you are nothing more than a closed minded arrogant man who craves battle... there is a condition known as meglamania which at this point i am sure that is what your malfunction is... Please do the world a favor and go see a psychiatrist and take an open mind with you.. because at this point your mind is closed tighter than an air tight drum
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Offline Whooter

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2010, 09:14:20 PM »
Quote from: "Botched Programming"
Who...  You are the joke a bad one but none the less a freaking joke... you are nothing more than a closed minded arrogant man who craves battle... there is a condition known as meglamania which at this point i am sure that is what your malfunction is... Please do the world a favor and go see a psychiatrist and take an open mind with you.. because at this point your mind is closed tighter than an air tight drum

Sorry, Botched, I think I made my point in the previous post (and then some).  You have proven that you could not handle a conversation with a parent.  As soon as they disagree with you you revert to name calling, labeling and mockery.  You have no intention of helping anyone but merely looking for an outlet to your anger.  It just wouldnt work, we both know that.

Read your own posts its all there or ask someone else.  If they are honest they will tell you.



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Botched Programming

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2010, 09:18:19 PM »
What a cop out you are Who... You want to think you are so intellilectual, but in reality I know your mind would never open to the truth... so hold on to you pro programmed belief system... By the way there is no way to prove that programs save lives...
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Offline Whooter

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Re: Parents that can't let their kids live thier own lives
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2010, 09:26:20 PM »
Quote from: "Botched Programming"
What a cop out you are Who... You want to think you are so intellilectual, but in reality I know your mind would never open to the truth... so hold on to you pro programmed belief system... By the way there is no way to prove that programs save lives...

Yes there is.  You can speak to kids who have been through it  (not just those here on fornits).  In one study they had 12 % (I believe, maybe 12 kids) who attempted suicide several times prior to entering a program and none of them attempted it afterwards (1 to 2 years out).  There is a study which looked at 1,000 kids and found them to be up to 80 % in improving their individual problems.

The problem is that you reject any information which goes counter to your own.  While I accept that programs can be abusive and that some kids do not do very well.  I am able to see the larger picture and both sides of the issues where you are unable to.  If some info falls outside of your believe system you label it defective, brainwashed etc.



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