DB, my impatience and ire on the subject of my attendance at CEDU is not because I find you fascinated by the circumstances that led up to it, but because of prior insinuation I deserved it. CEDU was a shock to me. That adult staff could lie to that extent - both to my parents and about their academic and therapeutic practices - was mindblowing to me. The sense of helplessness and disempowerment was overwhelming. After CEDU - I could not process the events that took place there on a psychological basis. But it really disrupted a level of trust in people I never regained. The experience deeply disturbed me on a molecular level. Because I split, I never spoke about it to anyone and it festered; I didn't even know to analyze it or discard it because I really needed to believe there was a purpose to it.
Yes, I know its not the Holocaust or Rwanda. And yes, on an intellectual level I know bad shit happens all the time. And yes, I had experienced trauma pre-CEDU but to go to a place under the pretense of help only to feel totally emotionally disembowelled was ... I don't have words. And by the time I figured out that I had disconnected a part of myself largely as a result of that experience, a nickel and a dime had passed. For me, CEDU exacerbated any experiences I had pre-CEDU and it had a very formative role in how I perceived people afterward. The problem was this all operated on a subconscious level. If I understood it earlier, I could have tried to remediate it.
So why did I go to CEDU? I have no skeletons and like I said, no addictions/convictions/violent rages from hell - really nothing too out of the ordinary. But at the same time, I do not wish to be sincerely vulnerable here among vicious people. And frankly, it's not just (for lack of a better term) the programmies I don't feel like sharing with. There was a time I'd share to all but there have been too many threats and meanness for me ever to truly bare my soul. Things have simply gone too far, all across the board.
I didn't feel that way about Fornits in 2004-5.