Author Topic: Joke for the Day!!  (Read 6411 times)

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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #30 on: August 28, 2010, 02:11:17 PM »
If u can't handle me at my worst, u don't deserve me at my best!!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline DannyB II

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Puns for the day
« Reply #31 on: August 28, 2010, 02:16:40 PM »
PUNS JOKES

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Stand and fight, till there is no more.

Offline Whooter

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #32 on: August 28, 2010, 08:00:44 PM »
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.



...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #33 on: August 29, 2010, 10:56:04 PM »
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He saw a person on the ground and yelled down to him, “Can you help me? I don’t know where I am.” The man replied, “Sure, I’ll help you. You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground...between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 & 60 degrees West longitude.”

“Wow, you must be an AA sponsor”, said the man in the balloon. “I am”, said the man, “but what gave me away?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically right but I am still lost. Frankly you’re not much help at all and you might even have delayed my trip.”

“You must be an AA sponsee”, replied the man. The man in the balloon was amazed and said, “I am, but how did you know?”

The man on the ground said, “Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air. You are expecting other people to solve your problems and the fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow now IT’S MY FAULT” !
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #34 on: August 30, 2010, 04:00:27 AM »
a very sick wino was sitting in the day room of a detox waiting for the aa meeting to start.In popped a new young kid,about 18,eyes as big as saucers and sat at the table..This kids was tweaking on some strong dope mind you.....his hair was standing straight up like a afro,with bright colors,yellow,red,blue,orange streaks in it.
The wino just sat and stared at him.The nervous kid looked away,and could feel his stare burning in to the back of his head.He turned around and the wino was still staring at him.After several episodes of this,the kid could not take it anymore,and he jumped up and screamed,dangit old man,haven`t you ever got drunk and done something wild?

The old wino calmly said
sure kid
i got drunk and had sex with a parrot,and I was just wondering if you was my kid.....
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #35 on: August 30, 2010, 04:31:41 AM »
An old-timer comes home from his home group meeting, gets ready for

bed, and is on his knees saying his evening prayers.



He's in the middle of his "God blesses" saying "God bless the guy who

says the same thing no matter what the topic, God bless George, the

'cake lady,' God bless . . . " suddenly he pauses and looks up. Then

says, "You know God. I wonder if there is AA in heaven. If there isn't  AA in heaven, I don't know if I want to go there. These folks are so important to me, I don't want to spend eternity without them."



There's a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder and then the olde timer hears a voice saying, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is AA in heaven. The bad news is ...............

  ...........................................................  "You're speaking tomorrow night."
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #36 on: August 30, 2010, 04:32:20 AM »
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #37 on: September 02, 2010, 04:14:15 AM »
You Might Be An Alcoholic If:
 
...you loose your car at least once a week.

...you think alcohol abuse is spilling your drink.

...you buy your morning drink with a roll of pennies.

...on the way to the bathroom, someone's always stepping on your hands.

...you don't have any friends, just drinking buddies.

...you quit calling in sick. You let your wife do it.

...you pee in the kitchen sink while mixing another drink.

...selling beer cans seems like a weekly bonus.

...you celebrate getting out of jail by getting drunk.

...you decorate your Christmas tree with chains of beer tabs.

...no visit to a friend's house is complete until you've puked on their carpet.

...your job is interfering with your drinking.

...the toliet seat keeps hitting you in the back of the head.

...you think the sun shining in your face is God's flashlight telling you to get up and go home.

...you throw-up on purpose so you can hold more.

...it's normal to drive with one eye shut so not to see double.

...you order a keg of beer for your kid's first birthday party.

...you measure distance by how many beers it takes to get there.

...your main prayer is "God, get me out of this and I'll never drink again".

...you get the shakes so bad you could thread a sewing machine while it's running.

...you think your only drinking problem is when you're out.

...you are getting to the point that you're throughly disgusting.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #38 on: September 02, 2010, 05:05:03 AM »
Now an Al-Anon joke:

How many Al-Anons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just detach and let it screw itself.
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #39 on: September 27, 2010, 01:18:38 PM »
[attachment=0:hcyjj9s8]ChimpOnPenguins1.wmv[/attachment:hcyjj9s8]
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Offline Awake

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #40 on: October 09, 2011, 11:45:38 PM »
where does a king keep his armies?
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Offline Awake

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #41 on: October 10, 2011, 12:01:11 AM »
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.................................................... in his sleavies
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Awake

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #42 on: November 01, 2011, 12:00:30 AM »
why don't ghosts have kids??
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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Awake

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #43 on: November 01, 2011, 12:01:44 AM »
cuz they have hallow weenies.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #44 on: November 01, 2011, 01:24:06 AM »
What do you do after sex?
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Put the diaper back on!   :rocker:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »