Author Topic: Joke for the Day!!  (Read 6401 times)

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Offline SharonMcCarthy

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #15 on: July 01, 2010, 10:39:00 AM »
Danny you are a joke for a week let alone a day...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle."
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Offline Whooter

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #16 on: July 01, 2010, 12:27:49 PM »
A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy’s farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word,
"fascinate."

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Billy said, "My cousin’s wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight."



...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #17 on: July 04, 2010, 02:41:15 PM »
Tall grass
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #18 on: July 04, 2010, 02:43:00 PM »
The big squeeze...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest manaround that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #19 on: July 04, 2010, 02:44:33 PM »
The economy is so bad that:Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by
the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2010, 02:15:54 AM »
History.... This is great
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:


1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.


Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in  Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.


Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


And there you have it?Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.


.
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Offline Bud Greenberg

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2010, 02:47:07 AM »
Danny B,
suckit, and whooter
walk into a bar......


NO wait............


THAT'S NOT FUNNY



sorry
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
[size=150]LEGALIZE MARIJUANA[/size]

Offline Awake

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #22 on: July 10, 2010, 02:26:08 PM »
And now  ……   :rose: Deep Thoughts :rose:   …. By Jack Handey



....As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #23 on: July 10, 2010, 06:21:54 PM »
Quote from: "Bud Greenberg"
Danny B,
suckit, and whooter
walk into a bar......


NO wait............


THAT'S NOT FUNNY



sorry

P.S.
It could be funny if you found me drunk. I walk into many bars, actually and get to walk back out.    ;D
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #24 on: July 10, 2010, 06:24:10 PM »
Flying near Athens
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
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Offline Whooter

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #25 on: July 10, 2010, 06:56:15 PM »
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2010, 02:04:22 PM »
Goodluck Andrew    July 19 at 9:44am


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man

passes Gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie Score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, Tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since Defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #27 on: July 19, 2010, 02:06:03 PM »
Goodluck Andrew    July 19 at 9:34am
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
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Offline DannyB II

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Re: Joke for the Day!!
« Reply #28 on: July 19, 2010, 02:07:23 PM »
Goodluck Andrew    July 19 at 9:29am

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline DannyB II

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Oxymoron's
« Reply #29 on: August 20, 2010, 09:17:14 PM »
Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Found missing

Resident alien

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing

Near miss

Great depression

Canadian army

Phone sex

United nations

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Death benefits

Airline Food

Women's rights

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Good kid

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

New and improved

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Stand and fight, till there is no more.