Four Winds Hospital in Katonah NY

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Eliscu2:
http://http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/articles/control.html

Dealing With Control Freaks

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.

maruska:

--- Quote from: "sad" ---Just heard from a patient that there's abusive treatment there. Anyone here been there and has seen it too?
I'd like to get myself admitted with some kind of device that can tape and record what goes on there and then proceed to file a lawsuit.
--- End quote ---

you mean, while your daughter is in the wilderness program?...I just imagine how your ex husband is going to use it at the custody battle: telling the judge you are not stable, you have problems on your own, because you were admitted...

By the way: who has custody of your daughter, and what kind (joint or sole legal?) That is very important in determining your next step...

Is there any relative (grandparents, uncles etc) willing to help you in this situation?

Be careful with PAS allegations...some courts see it as a red flag...

Paul St. John:
Ya know what Danny.. I think that we should put this thread back on target.

You say that you are right. You even say that Ursus knows it.

Let's give this thread purpose, and see if we can resolve this issue.

Would you be willing to make your argument as to why the best course of action is for posters to help Sad infiltrate a psych ward.

More importantly.. can you please make your argument as to why the masses are wrong.

Here is mine:

1. The masses believe that Sad should practice prudence in sending her child to a treatment center. Why is this sound?

Because, in addition to being able to find info on how abusive these centers can sometimes be is all over the internet, in books, and on TV. ( as first hand accounts)

Even more importantly, and this alone can stand independent of the supporting statement that I gave above. Most of the people here, have themselves, experienced abuse at the hands of treatment centers, and also know many others who did.

The model, on which many of these programs are based is flawed beyond compare.

2. Is Pile being a court jester?

No Pile is being reasonable... which leads us to 3.

3. Is the best course of action for SAD to infiltrate a psych center, or should she be worried about her child?

If she values her responsibilty as a parent, then it is only logical, that she would tend to her daughter now, over a stranger, who was also a patient in a psych ward, WITNESSED abuse... I guess once.

Now, I remind you. Noone is shoving their ideas down SAD's throat. She came here looking for advice.

Also, there are things to be taken into account. For example, SAD, sems to be having a decent amount of trouble in her own life right now. Why add this crazy mission to it all. First take care of your kid.. then go save the world.. That is valid advice.

Paul

DannyB II:

--- Quote from: "maruska" ---
--- Quote from: "sad" ---Just heard from a patient that there's abusive treatment there. Anyone here been there and has seen it too?
I'd like to get myself admitted with some kind of device that can tape and record what goes on there and then proceed to file a lawsuit.
--- End quote ---

you mean, while your daughter is in the wilderness program?...I just imagine how your ex husband is going to use it at the custody battle: telling the judge you are not stable, you have problems on your own, because you were admitted...

By the way: who has custody of your daughter, and what kind (joint or sole legal?) That is very important in determining your next step...

Is there any relative (grandparents, uncles etc) willing to help you in this situation?

Be careful with PAS allegations...some courts see it as a red flag...
--- End quote ---

Maruska thanks for your paranoid take on things, is that what happened in your divorce while your daughter was in treatment. Man, must have been a bummer to have so much going on in your life.
Now lets be concerned about sads life and put your projections on hold OK. I mean be concerned about real things not your imaginary scenarios. Is this what you do to all folks you want to help, flood them with your baggage.

Danny

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