Dear Fornits,
I've come to see the error of my ways. The Troubled Teen Industry is a good thing. It's sometimes necessary to hurt people in order to help them. You see. Without forced treatment every one of you reading this will be dead, insane, or in jail soon. Very soon! I know this because I've seen it with my own eyes. Not sure where or when, but I've seen it, and it's anecdotal evidence so it must be true. I don't even need that. I have the truth and I know it to be true. It's the truth and I don't need any damned evidence. Programs help people. There is plenty of evidence of that. Whooter told me so and he must have reliable sources because he's a sweet, honest, man.
I've also realized i've been so opposed to the industry because of my deep denial. I really have a disease. I've watching Lost and can't stop. That's proof! Folks, I'm an addict. The program was right. I have a spiritual sickness and for all this past time i've just been "dry". I've been merely abstaining, and I realize now that i'm powerless. Therefore, i'm making a spiritual commitment to drink and do as many drugs as possible so that i'll hit rock bottom: a necessary step towards recovery so that I can be brought back into the good graces of the Holy Church of Bill Wilson. Anybody know where I can get any smack? I advise you all to do so as well immediately. After all, you're all powerless too! If you're unwilling to accept this, perhaps you need a program to help re-educate you into the correct way of thinking.
I've also realized marijuana is a tool of the devil. The devil made it and that makes it bad. God told me so to my face. It also leads to hard drugs. Ignore all that you've seen. Every long term pot smoker you know will turn in to a smack junkie one of these days. After all, drug use is abuse, drug abuse is a disease, and AA teaches me that it's a progressive disease that will get worse and worse, leading to the lowest depths of depravity... and munchies. I know this because PDFA told me so, and Betty Sembler, sweet old woman that she is, would never lie to me. Also, If you smoke too much marijuana you'll go blind and grow hair on your palms. Also, as seen on South Park last night, it causes testicular cancer and drive by shootings by KFC Colonel Sanders.
I've also realized Elan is the best program out there. They managed to create a legion of the most eloquent, insightful, enlightened program graduates I have ever seen. Honestly they're little darlings that are so sweet and get along with everybody. They're like fluffy little bunnies. Whatever they did at Elan to get such a result *must* have been good and necessary.
And about Benchmark: Oh Jayne. I'm so sorry. I was wrong to ever doubt you. I know now how necessary the abusive elements of your program were now... I mean helpful elements. How else are kids going to hit rock bottom if you don't help them along. I realize now it was OK for you to lie to people in order to get them to enroll their kids in your program... I mean school. After all, They need the help and the ends justify the means. If they didn't need help they wouldn't be in your program to begin with. Your program taught me that, and i'm sorry I forgot that important lesson.
Oh. And Ginger is possessed by the Devil. This site is therefore evil. Please stop reading immediately at the cost of your immortal soul.
To be very very clear in case you're a complete fucking idiot, this is an April fools joke
