Is it possible…for former staff to begin posting, without being attacked?
I think, it is indeed possible. Yet there are variables that determine whether they are attacked, or welcomed with open arms (“open” is relative). And I think it wise to consider there is a grey area involved as well. I think there was a time, in my life, when a person said they were on “staff”, there was most definitely a “knee jerk reaction” on my part. Even for established, well known members of our community that were on “staff” there is/was a level of distrust…a feeling of stand off’ish-ness on my part. Then to the far distant extreme, I readily embraced folks, well…folk, because it has only been Rich Mullinax.
Yet, even with Rich, he caught a barrage of shit from me, repetitively. Even after his open LOA, there was a degree of distrust. If I recall, it was shortly after our “gathering” held in 3 states for those walking wounded who no longer walk with us, you, Nonconformistlaw, drew up the Request for Apology and then Rich, made his apology. At first, I did not openly accept his apology. The apology at the time seemed as if it were a form letter of sorts. As if, he placed his name on your Request for Apology and passed it on as a heart felt apology. His words almost directly mirrored your “Request”. It took some time, reading his words, watching his interactions with other members of our community to finally accept his LOA as genuine. And, having since watched him and taken the time to get to know him more, I have fully accepted his apology and consider him as friend.
I wanted to accept his apology. I wanted deeply, to have a “faith in mankind” restored. In time, that “faith in mankind” was, restored. With Rich, it was relatively easy. I once told Rich I could never “forgive” him, because I had never condemned him. He was never in my life, as a “staff member” and never had an effect on me.
Yet, even though he had no direct impact on me as a child, there was still a contemptuous, antagonistic emotion held against him, simply because the word “staff” was in the same sentence as his name. What is interesting to me here is that he, although he was not on staff at the time of my incarceration, I still had such a strong visceral reaction towards him. I questioned myself at length about this state I found myself in. Sadly, I haven’t any answers as of this date. And I am not convinced there is an answer, only time given for observation. Observation to see if his following actions matched with his/your words. And in Rich’s case, they have. His actions have matched his LOA.
In general, I have an admiration for any staff member that has the testicular fortitude to write on this or any message board. Yet the mistake they make, as I see it, is that they expect to be accepted without consequence. There is a failure to recognize that we, our community, are deeply scared. And for the most part, we have been scared by people with the word “staff” attached to their name.
One of the variables I see as hampering a former staff’s effort at being a member of our community is, arrogance.
Arrogance, regardless of it’s etiology is inappropriate. Arrogance will understandably be met with bristling antagonism. Over the years, many staff members have made their way into these rooms and were immediately attacked. They failed to realize that by coming to these message boards they were walking on thin ice right off the bat. They failed to see that we were no longer their minions and falsely expected us to behave as such. When we did not respond in accordance with their delusional expectations (mixed with arrogance), their feelings would get hurt. Some simply left, some raised a ruckus briefly, then left.
Another behavior exhibited by former staff members is an active dismissal of our experience. More so than arrogance, dismissal of our experience insults and infuriates. Unfortunately, arrogance and dismissal often accompany each other, thus adding insult to injury. Now, I am of the opinion that these behaviors are indeed protective mechanisms, bolstered in the minds of former staff members. The question in my mind then becomes…what are they protecting? I fail to believe they are protecting the truth. We know better than that, and see right thru that. It appears to me that they are protecting something between their own ears. Guilt? Remorse? Denial? Failure to accept the heinous exploitation and incarceration of children they themselves actively participated in? I don’t pretend to know, as such, I can only guess what these behaviors are attempting to hide.
I share your interest in seeing “the ENTIRE Straight story” coming out. And I also agree that having former staff members input would be invaluable in revealing the “ENTIRE story”. This doesn’t discredit our experience. Most, if not all of us know very well, painfully well, one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is still very much a mystery. As such, the story is lopsided. I have written about this before, and received a lil heat. But I still maintain, how can I know everything about what happened to me, if I adamantly refuse to listen, hear, read the other side of the story? How can I pretend to know what was going thru a staff members mind set at the time, if I don’t know?
What’s the value of knowing former staff members insights into Straight Inc.? Understanding. Pure and simple. Not implying acceptance. Not changing my viewpoint. Not “switching sides”. Nothing of the sort. Just simply to have a better understanding of what I experienced. Why I experienced what I did. What the motivation was behind so many bizarre situations and ritualistic abuses. I just want to know. I just want to be able to be at peace, in regard to the Straight Inc experience.
If I only hear my side of the story, along with others stories that are very similar to my experience, the only understanding I have is one side of the coin. (and I know it well) Would former staffs input be of great significance? I dunno, it’s a difficult question to answer, if I don’t hear/read/listen to the other side of the story.
Closure? No, I doubt it. I do not imagine “closure” every actually occurring. On the other hand, with this information would come (eventually) understanding. “Understanding” opens up a whole new set of possibilities. One of which I believe to be “healing”. The challenge then becomes, am I capable of the emotional restraint in order to hear/read/listen to the “other side of the story”? I can not answer this question either. Even tho I know there is a desire to know, a desire to understand, a desire to heal…I don’t know that I have the emotional restraint I see as a requirement to actually hear the other side of the story. I would like to think I have that restraint, but I am inclined to think not. Now, am I willing to try? Absolutely! And I have done so in the recent past (the entire month of December 09) But that effort failed, the former staff member I made every effort to understand, never got off the ground. There was no mutual desire to understand equal to the desire to be understood. I tried to link up Rich with this individual…Rich graciously agreed to talk with this individual. However, that former staff member flat out refused to speak with Rich for reasons I still don’t understand.
For my own sanity, I backed off. Even though I backed off, the topic, the issue has never been far from my thoughts, but I found the process to be exhausting and unfulfilling. Yet the was my first earnest effort at such a thing. I am willing to make an attempt again…but not just yet. It was very much a parasitic experience for me. A unwilling former staff, a less than understanding support system, and being left to my own resources…I was exhausted. Now some 3 months latter, sure, the interest is there, but a degree of reality remains fresh in my mind. The reality?…simply put…it aint easy.
NCL, I am glad to see you in the mix again, I have always found you to be inspirational and thought provoking. I admire that in a person. I don’t have answers to all the questions and situations. But I am fascinated with the idea of finding out. It will take a lil more time for me to regain my emotional strength after the last effort at understanding. Yet, I know myself well enuff to know that I will be back up to speed in short order. And I will be asking questions, probing and digging deeper. I appreciate your post, and the motivation behind it.
Much Peace
Continued Healing
woof
On a side note, regarding William “Rusty” Rollins. Like Seamus, I was on my phases with William Rollins. I hear people, like Anne Bonney and others talk about what a menace he was and how he terrorized folks. It is not that I disbelieve what is being said…I believe it, I sincerely believe it…I just can’t picture it. This lil effeminate toothpick, sheepish, impish and generally non-threatening individual:
A) Made it on staff
B) Generated the amount of fear he did.
It’s astounding what power, unquestionable power will have on individuals and now they cower in the dark recesses, afraid to face us, ashamed to face us, and unwilling to face us. Cowards behaving cowardly. Like I said, it takes testicular fortitude for them to have an exchange with us. Thus far, only one has had that testicular fortitude, Richard Mullinax. Being the first, Rich set the standard. Rich took heat for his LOA, but he did what a man does when he realizes he is wrong. He says he is wrong, explains how he was wrong and makes himself available to make things right.
