:suicide:
Lets see. Over the last few weeks, i have been faced with challenge after challenge. I seem to go to bed at night and fight with myself, because it seems like i keep making the WRONG choices and decisions. Then, i have to dig myself out of the hole, just to dig myself a new one. In so many ways... I just i feel like some days i should just stay in the hole and face the consequences of what I have done to dig myself the grave I am sitting in. But, like the fighter I am, i dig myself out and keep going. Why is that?
People have told me i am not a monster... i didn't have any choice before to hurt people.. but here i am almost 2 years later... and I DO have the choice. And like i did back then i am hurting people. Not in the crippling way i did before... but still. I seem to leave a trail of broken hearts no matter where i go. I am so confused lately. I just... I keep setting myself up to be hurt. I keep causing pain... whether its in my own family, or with my relationships. I never understood love. I could never wrap my mind around it. Now... it seems like my heart is unable to comprehend it. I have been hurt so many times... and in some sick and twisted way... I feel like I am UNABLE to accept love.
And therein lies my problem.
For some unknown reason, all of the sudden i am a hot commodity. People see me as such a good person. Guys see me as attractive and smart. Or at least that is what they say. Thinking about it... half of the guys who claim they like me, or want to be with me, most likely are saying these things to play me so i will fuck them. WELL HEADS UP. I am not dense. I see through bullshit like it is water. I am not a person to sit back and allow myself to be hurt and walked on. I am not the shy and scared girl that men can use and abuse. I am strong, independent and I am smart.
This is my problem!! Am i too strong? Am i too independent and mistrusting? I cannot decipher REAL intentions from the fake ones. I see them all as uneal and lies. I am unable to trust people... and I hate it.
If only there was some sort of handbook for life. I would be able to look up "love" or "relationships" in the index, and VOILA!!! I have the answer. But i have to figure it out for myself.
Sorry folks. I know this post is sorta... incoherent. but well, i know i can write what i am feeling and thinking here, and not get hurt or judged by it. I just... I need advice I guess.
-Thanks. :-