't is a little thing Dropp'd in the heart's deep well; The good, the joy, that it may bring Eternity shall tell.
-- G. W. Langford: Speak gently.
Folks, let's be real here. We're all a little fucking crazy. Probably no more or less, on average, than anyone else. But that tie that binds us all together tends to bring out the worst in us quite often.
PA, buddy, you're not the first and you won't be the last to suffer fucked up relationships and loss over dancing with draggons. Did you get took? Who took your money and flushed it down the toilet? Who talked shit about you to your wife while you were out busting your hump to bring presents to her feet? Who so abused your trust?
I can't tell you, because I don't know, who fucked up the most or the least or if any of this is worthwhile or not.
All my brothers and sisters say no, it's not. The world is a fucked up place and your best bet is to just insulate yourself and your loved ones from the most immediate reminders and pretend like we're all bit players in some blithely sappy sitcom. I envy them. I honestly do. I tried to pull off that feat of self delusion for
years but my mind just doesn't work that way. It's like insomnia; I'm tired, I'm not worried about anything in particular, in fact looking forward to some pleasant task or event the next day. I lie down, close my eyes... but nothing happens.... slower than in the day when the sun is up.
So my fellow McNultys can't abide my company. I invest a lot of time and attention in trying to figure out how to undo the drug war. That makes them very uncomfortable, because it's either an affront to their proud Seedling identity or just opening old wounds, depending on which one of them we're talking about.
So, because I'm the crazy one, I had no say and could not stop them as they litterally burned all of my dads books, magazines, most of his writings and even tore to bits the ugly but sound storage trailer in which all of that was stored and threw IT on the bonfire too. All but the valuable pieces and parts, for which they invited a couple of scrap men to come haul off "for free" (what a deal, eh?)
I had no say in the way the money was divided, either, unless I want to divert whater may be left of Dad's earnings and savings to the cause of helping to put a couple of lawyers' kids through school.
I had no say in my dad's care in his dying days. And I have no brothers or sisters, except the type who will sink the knife and give it a good twist each and every time I let down my guard.
I can't say I know what it's like for you, at this stage in life to be where you are right now. It don't look pretty from where I sit and I'm all bent out of shape and distracted worrying about you. Fucked up, eh? I don't even know your name, never seen your face. But I'm worried for you and utterly helpless to do anything to help.
Am I crazy? Is it a normal human function to be able to pretend everthing's wonderful and just unsee all the clues to the contrary? I don't fuckin' know, so I won't try to tell you.
Are we tilting at windmills here? More like tilting at jet turbines set to takeoff speed with blindfolds on, I think. Is it worth it? I don't know.
I do know this, though. There are things I will do and other things I won't do in the interest of righting these ongoing wrongs and raising a proper "hue and cry". I don't dig martyrdome. That's my mom's gig, not mine.
No one is any better off, and lots of folks are worse off, if any of us throw ourselves under the wheels in a heroic, though futile, act of martyrdome. I don't know exactly what kinds of things you have in mind to do. I just hope, sincerely, earnestly that you don't make any permanent decisions while your at your absolute worst. Whatever it is, it shall soon pass. That's trite, but it's also true.
Did I somehow help cause this crisis in your life? I don't know. I hope not. But if you think I did, please tell me how so I can avoid making the same mistake again.
I don't know what else to say. How `bout we all go out and get Harleys and be rugged, independent outsiders like normal former POWs with permanent psych injuries?
"...In general, it's just an overall sign in America that there doesn't seem to be as much respect for authority figures, and that's a bad trend. It just strikes me that people can say whatever they want to and get away with it, and that's not good."
--But David Murrell, exec. dir. of the Florida Police Benevolent Association
_________________
Ginger Warbis ~ Antigen
American drug war P.O.W.
10/80 - 10/82
Straight South (Sarasota, FL)
Anonymity Anonymous