How it is to be caring parent to a child in a program

[Anonymous]

I know that some of you were wondering how your parents were thinking during Christmas. Here is a suggestion:

I really am trying to stay so strong - I am just trying to stuff everything inside. (Of course, I have the added incentive to stuff because with mono, if I cry it, makes my eyes swell up and hurt for hours.)

I was going to see (boys name) for Cmas, then I got sick, and he melted down, and everyone called it off. Fine, I can handle that. Well, in the meantime the program got annoyed at me and the ed cons for holding their feet to the fire on details not followed thru on. I.E., forgotten phone calls, etc.

So in what appears as payback for holding them accountable, the program emailed me a series of mandates yesterday.
I could not call (boys name) on Christmas, nor could anyone else in his family &
I can no longer send presents to (boys name). In fact they are sending back some of the ones I have sent.
And some other ones that are too complicated to go into.
The tone of the letter was cold and almost cruel. My mom read it and the ed cons read it, and they both were taken back. There was no apparent therapeutic reason listed for no Cmas phone calls, and it was worded in anger.

So, anyway, for whatever reason, the no phone call thing sent me right on over to dark Christmas mode. I am alone w/out family in AZ. My only sister is dead, I can't even talk to my kid for 5 minutes on Christmas, my parents are in Oregon, all my friends except for one are with their family - and it just plain is sad. In fact it is downright not fair. Really, really not fair. To not let me talk to my kid on Cmas is cruel. Prisoners get one phone call, soldiers, etc. But not (boys name)? (OK, I can't cry, because red eyes, swollen eyes, bad.) I pray the dr and counselor who did this can't have peace this Cmas. I know that is bad, but they should feel convicted, as they sit around the fire with their happy little perfect families, all day long, knowing they denied, out of spite, a 5 minute interaction between the only family Matt and I have, each other.

(boys name)'s program and I have been going around and around for months. Slowly but surely they have extracted me completely from his life, with the threat that if I do not do what they say they will remove Matt from the program. Exact words. I feel like I am part of a mafia group. I am being bullied, and threatened, and if I don't do what they say, my kid is on the streets. They hate me, because I hold them accountable and they are too proud and egocentrically focused to want a parent or an ed cons meddling. So, now, I have completely backed out and I guess the ed cons has said he better as well. At least for now.

I talked to the ed cons and he flat out told me (boys name) has no other choices. He is destructive to property, although never physically violent, and no other program that he knows of will take an aggressive 19 year old. So it is this program or the streets. Yet, again, I feel that this whole situation has forced me to submit to whatever anyone says - just so (boys name) can stay. And believe me this program knows the corner I am in, and they are just playing off of it.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make this so long. I just am struggling, and yet I am trying so hard. I am taking the dogs to the beach for their Cmas present, and I am going over to my neighbors house for dinner. I am not sitting around the house depressed like I want to, so I really am trying. But I would trade a 5 minute phone call with going to the neighbors house in a millisecond - and that reality simply feels cruel and inhumane.

I just hope my neighbor is not a butt tonight, of all nights. He is the one who said (boys name) just needs to man up and grow up and get over himself. Sigh. I know people just don't get it - but just today - I pray I find some compassion & mercy.

Thank you so much for listening.

I have removed the name of the boy so it is not so easy to Google as I supplying some of the employees with gas for their cars and the only reason I am interesting in this story is that I overheard a staff member talking to a police officer about one of the times this boy ended up being taken to the hospital because they lost control of him.

I have googled the other message board where I took this post. The mother is missing the obivious solution. There is a father. He is living Oregon where the boy used to live and he hadn't done his part. It is time for him to act up. My suggestion would be to send the boy to him and pay for some in-house wrap-around therapy, which should be cheaper. The boy is 19 years of age. What do you think?

[Anonymous]

The boy is 19 years of age.

That's not a boy, that's a man. Or at least an adolescent, but hardly a boy. Legally, a 19 year old is considered a full blown adult, and capable of making their own decisions.

What do you think?

I think it's interesting somebody finds personal information about a family, posts it on a forum and asks others what they think. Who cares? Did they ask for your advice, or is this your hobby, playing arm chair psychologist to families who never asked you?

If you want to help, you know, REAL kids that are not spoiled, adult, rich kids with helicoptering weak-willed mothers, then go donate a toy to a poor kid or something. This thread is just a waste of time and energy, and I'm done with it.

[Anonymous]

Followed up by a rumor in Sandpoint = Fucking asshole

[Anonymous]

19, cut the kid loose from the program and let him grow up while supporting him from a distance. Give him the best thing ever which would be your time. Take the time to listen, take the time to brainstorm, take the time to help him out with things like job interviews/bank accounts/ balancing check books/a lease, and so forth.

Because I doubt he's getting any of that in the program/duckfarm.

[Basedonfacts]

Pop

You are right on to a point. Had the kid gotten that earlier in life, he wouldnt have had the need for a program to get his life back in order. I agree, get him out of there, get him with a parent that truly loves him and get him right. If he accepts his parents willingness to help its a huge first step.

[Anonymous]

You should get this kid in touch with Psy. He has experience as an adult who signed himself into treatment, and staying there on his own accord. Most program survivors posting here were sent as underage youths with little say in the matter, and couldn't leave when they chose, and so they view an adult who willingly chooses to stay in a program as a confusing situation. Why would someone stay in a program that's abusive? It doesn't make any sense, so it really goes to credibility and people wonder how bad it really was.

[Oscar]

He cannot sign himself out. Look at the old posts. The mother moved him from Utah to Idaho so she could get a rubber stamp at the local CEDU judge.

[Oscar]

Update: It seems that the young man was kicked out because the mother insisted to have him put on the phone at least one time per week.

Now he can focus on a life on his own. Personally I hope that he can find his way over here so he can get a push in the right direction.

[Whooter]

I checked out the link you supplied, Oscar, and I am usually not critical of others but I find it odd that this woman’s signature includes her current ailments and her sons medications.   Why would someone do that?

Me - 42 single mom
Depression, Anxiety, PTSD - Lexapro 30mg

GFG - Matt - 19 YO DX with Bi-Polar, NVLD
Lithium 1200, Lamictal 300, Clonidine, Paxil 25
Currently in a group home

To me this is a red flag as to her mental state and effectiveness as a parent.



...

Thewho – program parent
Moderately Adjusted, 1 glass of wine/day,
happy, 15mg Lipitor,
short Kif (as needed),  50 mg Viagra
Currently in a stable marriage

[Ursus]

I checked out the link you supplied, Oscar, and I am usually not critical of others but I find it odd that this woman’s signature includes her current ailments and her sons medications.   Why would someone do that?

Those types of sigs are endemic to that forum. They seem to stand in for some sort of badge of pain and suffering.

[Oscar]

Ursus: According to our mule it is quite normal in this forum. In fact she had to find the American names for various medication just so they cannot figure out who is the European in their forum.

But now where you name it the young man has a father who runs away every time she asked for a little help with their son. Her sister was found murdered and at her the previous workplace one co-worker wanted to work closer outside work hours that she wanted and she got hell at work for refusing his idea of team-work.

Maybe that's why the mule recommended independent housing in her old town, so he could start out on his own. This is not a mother who will give her son the exit-plan down to the shelter. It is a ill mother hit by grief who were manipulated by an ed-con to send her son to a program instead of the national guard youth program or just kicking him out of the house when he beat her up. We can only guess on the number of parents with poor health or lack of emotional surplus who are taken advantage of by their ed-cons who are given kickbacks from whatever program they find.

If the son ends up at her place he will empty her pockets. He will run the house. Some might believe that it is appropriate for letting him loose months of his life, but our mule tend to believe that this young man should be left in peace with paid rent, tinned food  and healthcare for 6 months so he can go on from that point of alone. (That's my personal choice if my 17-18 year old son one day wants to fight me in my own house.)

[Oscar]

I just looked at the thread again.

Wow. The program just called. They are literally kicking him to the curb today at noon. They are not going to let me talk to him before they do it. I can't fly out of here because of snow. He does not have a phone. We are 1800K miles apart.

They are quite professional at this CEDU-spin off program. They must be on the NATSAP honor list. I believed that they were a "for-profit" program and wanted to bill some extra days until the mother could pick him up.

[Oscar]

After the CEDU look-alike program kicked the adult son out the mother took the son to California to an unnamed program. But after 3 programs in 3 states, he decided that it was enough. Unlike Idaho it is difficult to rubber stamp an extention of childhood in California, so he wandered off.

More important he learned something interesting while attending the program, he just have to try. According to the previous threads going years back, where was no history of drug use before the program, so it is a situation where you can claim that it is the time in the program that set him up for failure.

[Che Gookin]

I hope the dude is ok. Though, Cali is a good place to wander off from. You just need to be in residence for a couple weeks before applying for state assistance.