How you couldn't really "fake it"

[Withdraw]

I can not believe I am even explaining this....

The statement "You all fooled me" has been misunderstood and taken out of context! You all did fool me! And that means, all that time I spent sitting there.. I thought you all were working the program and believed in it... I thought I was the one who was the "most" fucked up because I couldn't work it. I couldn't conform and I didn't know exactly why then. You all fooled me because I thought you guys believed in what you were doing! I was fooled, because now you all come here and say how you were just faking it... or working the program because that is how you knew to get out. WTF guys?? I was fooled, so dam what.

And yes, it was the people who got brought back to group who validated my thoughts, even if it was just a little. It was them who kept me believing that there were other people in that building who didn't believe in Straight. I envied them so much. They still had enough belief in themselves to bother fighting... Something I had lost and didn't know why.

And for the people who think that I think I am self righteous...I don't. I think I was dam lucky to have gotten out the way I did. And 6 months as a misbehavior was no fucking picnic! I didn't even know any fucking rock songs to scream out while being restrained... I was so weird in there.. I didn't even "fit" in with the majority of the gawd dam misbehaviors. I was the uncoolest person in that whole fucking place. I had given completely up. I sat there in my marshmallow sweater day in and day out, getting stood up several times a day and spat on by the kids around me. What a great 6 months that was! I couldn't fake it and I didn't know why. I was fucking broken!I was almost catatonic. WTF do I have to come here and defend myself to you all for? I was there, I was abused and gawd dam it.. let me have my own reality too. I let you have yours and empathize when I can and ask questions when I need to. Yep, my torture was different that many of yours... but it was just as fucking real. And it was just as traumatic. While many of you all got to go to school... or use the phone.. I got to lay on that fucking floor everyday with some 5 girls sitting on me and their nasty filthy hands in my mouth.. Oh yea! it was a fucking holiday!... Gimme a break.

Do you have any idea what it was like to come home and my parents hated me ( and do to this day!) because they didn't get to be an oldcommer home? They had the fucked up kid who couldn't even work the program and graduate... They wanted to fit in with the rest of the parents and still do! They still talk to those straight parents and still feel like I let them down... Do you really even have any idea what that was like? Wow. You know my non conforming had it's own special set of repercussions.. things not many of you could even understand. Do I hate you because you got the parental approval that I missed out on? No, I care for you all because I know we are individuals with individual experiences. I care for you who I never knew, because we share a common tragedy.. I fucking care for your experience even if it was different than my own. I ask questions because I do not understand the dynamic of your program and conformity.. a dynamic I wished for so long I could master.. but I couldn't because I was more broken than any of you. I was more worthless and more fucked up mentally then the rest of you. That is what I think.. And if you think that is mother Theresa .. you are sadly mistaken. It has been fucking miserable. It is only recently that I can even move forward, just a little. And it is a gawd dam struggle each and every day. So, think what you want.. but at least get the facts before you go on about what kind of person I must be.. You, have no idea.

So, how and why did you fake it? Because I couldn't and never understood the how or why of it.... Tell me the great secret? Because I failed at it miserably. And my parents still think I am a failure because I couldn't even make it through Straight. Heh, while you think that I think of myself as better than you.. I actually think that I was more of a failure than you. You just have no idea what I went through and still go through today because of that hell hole.

And yep, it is your insistence that makes me wonder what you actually feel about what you did while you were in there... because you wouldn't go on and on if you felt so great about it. And YES, that is a feeling that I never have to feel. And YEP, I sure am glad about that now. Does that make me bad? I don't think it does, it makes me grateful, because today.. I know I did the right thing for my personal self. I have very few apologies to make to anyone in that place, and for that YEP.. I am thankful for. So what!

And by the way, Pirate takes up for me a little because he watched me sit in that blue chair in my marshmallow sweater and get screamed at and spit on daily.. He remembers a little of what I endured.. and it was no fucking fun time for me. I was broken, completely. They beat down me everyday. It was a consistent event to stand me up in almost every rap... just to spit on me.. What a grand thing it is to remember that about my little girl self.. What a fine time I had in there... My six months was sure a long fucking time. I lived everyone of those days on suicide watch and consequences...So my nights were barely better than my days in the building.

We don't all have to agree, and I am glad we all have a different story to tell. That is what makes this a worthwhile site to even visit on occasion. Do you really want a bunch of people posting here, all telling the same story over and over? Let's hope not.

ps, Yep I am a little irritated.. that I even felt compelled to come and type this all out.. and if it makes people mad.. GREAT! Oh and so what...
Grow up and realize that not everyone is the same. I do, and I ask questions when I don't understand. I really try not to attack people or invalidate their experience. Even if it might seem like it, that is not my intention. I just have a lot of questions, because my experience was quite different.. apparently.

[shaggys]

Yeah, I would like to tone it down a bit here. I am not trying to invalidate the experience of anyone at Straight, no way. Maybe we should stay away from the subject of the mutual abuse thing. It is definently the most sensitive subject for a number of us. To Withdraw: I want you to know I am a pretty nice person usually. I own a rock-n-roll type store here ( OK its a head-shop but I don't like to call it that ) and am considered an extreme non-conformist by those who know me. We would probably be friends. I very much sympathize with what happened to you in there. The situation you described with your parents hurts me to hear about. My Mother has apologized for what happened and I know how valuable that has been to me. I do not envy those who don't get that validation from their parents. I know it has to be painful.

   You asked how and why we conformed with the cult. It is a huge subject, extremely complicated. Most of us don't understand it either. Thats part of the reason we are here, looking for those answers. I had excised Straight from my brain (I thought ) until about 2 years ago. I was standing in my store and that fuckin Cats in the Cradle song came on the radio. I decided to look up Straight on the net. What followed was weeks on end unable to sleep due to nightmares. I contacted a handful of people that I had been in with and they told me about Fornits. I spent a year and a half just reading posts here before I ever posted anything. I never came here spoiling for a feud with anyone and still feel that way. 100 percent.

  Let me get out one more thing and I will stop rambling. I wanted you and anyone else who never made it off 1st phase to know that the abuse didn't end when we became oldcomers. It took on different forms for sure but it was always there. Example: I made it to 2nd phase at maybe 6 or 7 months in. I was 15 at the time, a growing kid and my shoes that I had worn on 1st phase had not fit for months. I had developed ingrown toenails on both of my big toes. When I could no longer walk due to the pain I was finally sent to a Straight -approved quack doctor. I thought they would deaden my feet with some meds and then cut out the ingrown part. The next thing I knew, the nurse and Straight staff are holding me down on the table. I look down as the "Doctor" was pulling my toenails out with some kind of medical pliers. First one and then the other. My screams must have been deafening to the sadists holding me down. I was taken back to the building where they tried to put me back in group but all I could do was wail in pain. They took me to an intake room to lie on the floor. My feet swole up and needless to say I was carried by other phasers for the next few days. Not one bit of pain medication was ever offered me. Both of those toes are still fucked up to this day. Worst of all, at the time I had already begun to internalize the message of the cult to the extent that I believed I deserved it. There are some things I will never be able to forgive. Most of those things occured on my upper phases. These freakin toenails are just a small part of it. Thanks. Shaggy

[Anonymous]

...The second you pretended to go along with the program; the minute you decided to "fake it" until you could run, you made yourself open and vulnerable to brainwash. As soon as you began to just pretend you took the fatal sip.

Like a crack in a dam that only gets bigger?

Yeah, what a fucking ordeal. I thought I had it licked and everyone was treating me like a hero. But then the fanfare died down and no one was looking, that's when I got my ass kicked!

Yeah 'Amen" It wasn't the caboose that killed me and that light at the end of the tunnel is the operator.  I bought it hook..line...and sinker because I wanted to, I had to at that time, " VERY SICK AND DELUSIONAL BOY ". I thought this was a reality worth substituted for I guess. WTF , who knows at 16.   Many levels had to be checked out on my journey towards a rational mind again. I was damn near convinced I had entered a world of insanity (in my mind) that was w/o a exit. Fuck!!!!!!!!!

[Withdraw]

Shaggys, (and whoever is following this drama ;p )

Ok, lets clear the air between us. I came here some years ago just by chance...and was shell shocked! The people who were here then could probably tell you, especially Ginger. I had/have so many questions, because seriously I really believed all that time that I was just a failure for not being able to conform and advance in the program. Yea, I knew I refused because somewhere inside me I knew it was fucked up and wrong.. But remember the staff and most of the phasers kept telling me "if you are actually ~normal~ you would just comply and get out".. But I couldn't.. there were times when I wanted to, but it just wouldn't happen. I found it very difficult to lie or "fake" it.. so I sat there, and sat there..It was sadly pathetic. I dreamed of a revolt based, knowing the place was bizarre, but of course that never happened... so I sat there..My program was fairly brutal, physically. I was restrained just about everyday for nothing.. except protecting my personal self when they tried to force motivate my hands. And you better believe it, I have a lot of feelings about those people who tried to physically motivate me or that restrained me.. feelings that I just can not process. I have the toughest time letting those specific people "off the hook." The people here can tell you though, I have the hardest times letting staff who come here "off the hook." Sorry, I still have very intense emotions about the people who personally abused me in Straight. I will evolve and get better at forgiving and understanding.. but for now, this is where I am at.

When I ask how, I mean actually HOW.. How do people fake it? And when I ask WHY, it isn't that I expect some answer, because I already know the answer. (knowing some of the dynamics of psychology) But, I can't stop asking it, because it is something I have no personal concept of. Therefore I have no avenue in my brain for it to fit and feel good.

I don't ~Blame the phasers..I blame the program and programming, but you must understand it is information I can not fully process and feel resolved. There are "phasers" I truly care for deeply. My last oldcommer and her Mom,  for instance. I would not want to verbally hurt these people, so I try really hard to stay away from the subject. But if it is complete absolution you want from me, you are looking in the wrong place. It is something I can not allow, because to do so would force me to internalize something I can not process and feel resolved about. There seems to be a fine line between victim and perpetrator, when it comes to Straight Inc. It is so shameful they did this to us, pitting us against each other. I realize we were just kids. I realize there were adults in control and they are most to blame.

And I am not perfect, there are going to be times when I don't fully think things out before I write them and things will come out wrong or more blunt than I actually feel. I know my experience was different than most of yours, but it is just as valuable. I know my posting here provokes conversation about who is to blame, because there are times when I can only think of the actual people who spit in my face everyday, and those people were phasers! But, that doesn't mean I hate phasers or hold them 100% accountable for doing it. I come here to learn from you all, so that I can learn to understand and forgive where it is due. And honestly, there are staff and phasers I doubt I will ever forgive. As I am sure everyone of us feels at one time or another. I mean, wouldn't you like to pull that Dr.s toenails out someday?? ;p Even though it was the program who made him not use numbing medications.......It is hard to see who is truly accountable, especially in moments of raw emotion.

So, please don't respond so sensitively to me. I know my experience brings about difficult questions, but remember your experience brings about difficult questions for me too. And that little girl in me is gonna show herself and wanna know the how and why...on occasion. It is just something that part of me can not grasp, consistently. I am sorry for that, she is still hurting....As I am sure your child self is too.

[Anonymous]

Shaggys, (and whoever is following this drama ;p )

Ok, lets clear the air between us. I came here some years ago just by chance...and was shell shocked! The people who were here then could probably tell you, especially Ginger. I had/have so many questions, because seriously I really believed all that time that I was just a failure for not being able to conform and advance in the program. Yea, I knew I refused because somewhere inside me I knew it was fucked up and wrong.. But remember the staff and most of the phasers kept telling me "if you are actually ~normal~ you would just comply and get out".. But I couldn't.. there were times when I wanted to, but it just wouldn't happen. I found it very difficult to lie or "fake" it.. so I sat there, and sat there..It was sadly pathetic. I dreamed of a revolt based, knowing the place was bizarre, but of course that never happened... so I sat there..My program was fairly brutal, physically. I was restrained just about everyday for nothing.. except protecting my personal self when they tried to force motivate my hands. And you better believe it, I have a lot of feelings about those people who tried to physically motivate me or that restrained me.. feelings that I just can not process. I have the toughest time letting those specific people "off the hook." The people here can tell you though, I have the hardest times letting staff who come here "off the hook." Sorry, I still have very intense emotions about the people who personally abused me in Straight. I will evolve and get better at forgiving and understanding.. but for now, this is where I am at.

When I ask how, I mean actually HOW.. How do people fake it? And when I ask WHY, it isn't that I expect some answer, because I already know the answer. (knowing some of the dynamics of psychology) But, I can't stop asking it, because it is something I have no personal concept of. Therefore I have no avenue in my brain for it to fit and feel good.

I don't ~Blame the phasers..I blame the program and programming, but you must understand it is information I can not fully process and feel resolved. There are "phasers" I truly care for deeply. My last oldcommer and her Mom,  for instance. I would not want to verbally hurt these people, so I try really hard to stay away from the subject. But if it is complete absolution you want from me, you are looking in the wrong place. It is something I can not allow, because to do so would force me to internalize something I can not process and feel resolved about. There seems to be a fine line between victim and perpetrator, when it comes to Straight Inc. It is so shameful they did this to us, pitting us against each other. I realize we were just kids. I realize there were adults in control and they are most to blame.

And I am not perfect, there are going to be times when I don't fully think things out before I write them and things will come out wrong or more blunt than I actually feel. I know my experience was different than most of yours, but it is just as valuable. I know my posting here provokes conversation about who is to blame, because there are times when I can only think of the actual people who spit in my face everyday, and those people were phasers! But, that doesn't mean I hate phasers or hold them 100% accountable for doing it. I come here to learn from you all, so that I can learn to understand and forgive where it is due. And honestly, there are staff and phasers I doubt I will ever forgive. As I am sure everyone of us feels at one time or another. I mean, wouldn't you like to pull that Dr.s toenails out someday?? ;p Even though it was the program who made him not use numbing medications.......It is hard to see who is truly accountable, especially in moments of raw emotion.

So, please don't respond so sensitively to me. I know my experience brings about difficult questions, but remember your experience brings about difficult questions for me too. And that little girl in me is gonna show herself and wanna know the how and why...on occasion. It is just something that part of me can not grasp, consistently. I am sorry for that, she is still hurting....As I am sure your child self is too.

 """""""""AH SO"""""""" My grandmother always told me whenever I was afraid get a new box of crayons......Those crazy    
                                            Gramma's!!!!!!!!!!      Love and Peace  Danny