My son at Aspen Ranch

[NIGEL]

Thought I would let you know how things are going.  My phone call yesterday was cancelled.  My son, along with a group of other boys on his team were not behaving as expected.  Their team was put into a "lockdown" where they have to stay in their dorm and talk through the problems.  My son's therapist has written me an e-mail stating that my son is doing OK with it all and we will talk again next Monday.  On one hand, I was a little upset that I couldn't talk to my son, but I also realize that when rules are broken, there are consequences.  I asked about the "group problem solving" that they did and nothing raised any concern on my part.  I will definitely ask my son about it next Monday.  As I have stated before, this is one of the toughest things I have ever had to go through as a parent (and I'm sure it is extremely hard on my son).  I feel like I have no control over what is going on (but at the same time, when my son was at home we were definitely not doing well and he had stopped listening to anything I had to say----so essentially I haven't had any control for a while).  My next visit to the ranch is in October.  I will keep reporting and asking for advice.

[Troll Control]

Red Flag #1:  Restricting Communication with Parents

Nigel, seriously, I understand you're looking for advice here (?) and want to report what's happening, but, the single-most serious, biggest identifier, ultimate red-flag of any program is to restrict communication with the kid's parents.  This alone should spur you to get your kid out of there right now.  

There is no therapeutic value in, nor would any moral/professional therapist allow, restriction of communication with a parent as punishment or for any other reason, period.

Nigel, I hate to say it, but there's one born every minute, and right now is your time.  

Aspen is well known for killing kids in their care, and you are seeing the groundwork being laid right now for big-time psychological damage to your kid.  Even worse, Aspen hopes to disconnect you from junior so they can control the dialogue and so they can make up the 'facts' should something terrible happen to your boy.

The last thing you want to hear from Aspen: 'We just don't know, sir.  He was fine earlier this morning, but...we're so very sorry.'

People here have given you good advice and, more importantly, hipped you to the really dangerous warning signs that your son is being abused, but here you are, acting like nothing is wrong.  You're either stupid, ignorant or just don't care.  

Just remember, your child will pay the price for your inaction.  And you will never, ever forgive yourself or forget.

[TheWho]

Thought I would let you know how things are going.  My phone call yesterday was cancelled.  My son, along with a group of other boys on his team were not behaving as expected.  Their team was put into a "lockdown" where they have to stay in their dorm and talk through the problems.  My son's therapist has written me an e-mail stating that my son is doing OK with it all and we will talk again next Monday.  On one hand, I was a little upset that I couldn't talk to my son, but I also realize that when rules are broken, there are consequences.  I asked about the "group problem solving" that they did and nothing raised any concern on my part.  I will definitely ask my son about it next Monday.  As I have stated before, this is one of the toughest things I have ever had to go through as a parent (and I'm sure it is extremely hard on my son).  I feel like I have no control over what is going on (but at the same time, when my son was at home we were definitely not doing well and he had stopped listening to anything I had to say----so essentially I haven't had any control for a while).  My next visit to the ranch is in October.  I will keep reporting and asking for advice.

Hello Nigel, thanks for updating us.  I wouldn’t be concerned; this is all part of his stay there.  He is testing his boundaries and earning the consequences which is very healthy for him.  Part of the punishment is the realization that the consequences of his actions do not only affect him but also affects others around him as well… (meaning is actions are affecting his family by not being able to speak with you, nor you to him) and they may be affecting the other kids in the group as well.

I think it is great that his therapist is involved and took the time to contact you to give you some insight into what was going on and allow you to get some answers.

[TheWho]

There is no therapeutic value in, nor would any moral/professional therapist allow, restriction of communication with a parent as punishment or for any other reason, period.

Something I have noticed......
Many people here have the misconception that in Therapeutic boarding Schools that therapy takes place 24/7.  It does not.  There is a time for therapy, yes, but not every aspect of the program is designed to be therapeutic, i.e. eating, sleeping, taking a shower, timeouts, punishments, homework, schooling etc.  When a child breaks a rule at home and as a consequence he/she cannot go out on Friday night or has their phone restricted the consequences are not designed to be therapeutic.. they are just consequences.  Its a Behavior Modification tool which is used throught a persons life at home.  I understand it is difficult to separate the two sometimes.

[Anonymous]

0/10

LOL @ everyone who thought Nigel is real

LOL harder @ everyone who still thinks so

[Anonymous]

Red Flag #1:  Restricting Communication with Parents

Nigel, seriously, I understand you're looking for advice here (?) and want to report what's happening, but, the single-most serious, biggest identifier, ultimate red-flag of any program is to restrict communication with the kid's parents.  This alone should spur you to get your kid out of there right now.  

There is no therapeutic value in, nor would any moral/professional therapist allow, restriction of communication with a parent as punishment or for any other reason, period.

Nigel, I hate to say it, but there's one born every minute, and right now is your time.  

Aspen is well known for killing kids in their care, and you are seeing the groundwork being laid right now for big-time psychological damage to your kid.  Even worse, Aspen hopes to disconnect you from junior so they can control the dialogue and so they can make up the 'facts' should something terrible happen to your boy.

The last thing you want to hear from Aspen: 'We just don't know, sir.  He was fine earlier this morning, but...we're so very sorry.'

People here have given you good advice and, more importantly, hipped you to the really dangerous warning signs that your son is being abused, but here you are, acting like nothing is wrong.  You're either stupid, ignorant or just don't care.  

Just remember, your child will pay the price for your inaction.  And you will never, ever forgive yourself or forget.

Friend, do you truly think these "parents" care that they damage their kids beyond repair by financing their abduction and due processless imprisonment and torture?

And do you really think NIGEL is an actual parent? My sources say “troll.”

If by some chance it’s real, it’s morally deranged and dialogue with it promotes nothing. (it doesn't deserve the pronoun afforded to humans)


Not only is severing contact from a parent a red flag it’s, in itself, emotional abuse. Demanding a young person to accept that they are “too bad" to speak to their own parents is a warped act of psychological abuse and degradation

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm[/url]"]
"Denying:

Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

"Emotional Blackmail"
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating

This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you..

Of course, NIGEL supposedly paid for his son to be imprisoned and abducted. So, assuming it's real, this emotional abuse is small potatoes compared to its biggest spud

Here's a bit on NIGEL

In criminal law, kidnapping is the taking away or asportation of a person against the person's will, usually to hold the person in false imprisonment.Unlawful imprisonment; classification
A.   A person commits unlawful imprisonment by knowingly restraining another person. ..

Fun for ya to impersonate a violent criminal, or are you, in fact, a violent criminal? ( On fornits, discussion group for survivors and perpetrators of abduction and imprisonment in the name of help, you never know)


More on Nigel:
http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/c ... abuse.html

Inappropriate Control
 Over control robs children of opportunities for self-assertion and self-development by preventing them from exploring the world around them.


Isolating
Isolating a child, or cutting them off from normal social experiences, prevents the child from forming friendships and can lead to depression. Isolating a child seriously impairs their intellectual, emotional and social development. Isolating is often accompanied by other forms of emotional abuse and often physical abuse.


Rejecting
When a caretaker rejects a child, the caretaker is negating the child's self-image, showing the child that he or she has no value. Children who are rejected from the start by their caretakers develop a range of disturbed self-soothing behaviors. An infant who is rejected has almost no chance of developing into a healthy adult.[how about a teen?]


Terrorizing
Terrorizing, like harrassment, evokes a stress response in children. Repeated evocation of the stress response alters the child physically, lowering their ability to fight off disease, increasing their risk for many stress-related ailments. Aside from the physical affects, a child living in terror has no opportunities to develop anything other than unhealthy and anti-social survival skills.

Emotional abuse is the core of all forms of abuse, and the long-term effects of child abuse and neglect in general stem mainly from the emotional aspects of abuse. Actually, it is the psychological aspect of most abusive behaviors that defines them as abusive. Think of a child breaking his or her arm. If the arm was broken while riding a bicycle and trying to jump a ramp, the child will heal and recover psychologically, perhaps strengthening his or her character and learning valuable life-lessons in the process by overcoming obstacles with the support of his or her caregivers and friends. If the same injury occurs because a parent twists the child's arm behind his or her back in a rage or throws the child down the stairs, the child will heal physically, but may never heal psychologically. In thinking of sexual abuse, think of a child being examined by a doctor - doctors touch children's genitals routinely in physical examinations without damaging children in any way. But think of the same contact from a sexualized older acquaintance. It is clear that the damage from fondling the child is psychological and emotional. Now think of a child who lives with a parent who terrifies the child but who has just enough control (IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL) over him- or herself to refrain from injuring the child physically in a way that will draw questions. That child is suffering the same devastating abuse as the children in the examples above, but often nothing can be done about it.

Despite the fact that the long-term harm from abuse is most often caused by the emotional aspects of the abuse, emotional abuse is the most difficult of the forms of abuse to substantiate and prosecute. Actual physical injury is often required before the authorities can step in and assist a child. Also, the effects of abuse are very similar to symptoms of many childhood mental and physical disorders, which makes identifying emotionally abused children difficult.

[psy]

Thought I would let you know how things are going.  My phone call yesterday was cancelled.  My son, along with a group of other boys on his team were not behaving as expected.  Their team was put into a "lockdown" where they have to stay in their dorm and talk through the problems.  My son's therapist has written me an e-mail stating that my son is doing OK with it all and we will talk again next Monday.  On one hand, I was a little upset that I couldn't talk to my son, but I also realize that when rules are broken, there are consequences.

Punishment for bad behavior, sure, but doesn't it seem to you like cutting off a phone call is an awfully strange punishment?

I asked about the "group problem solving" that they did and nothing raised any concern on my part.  I will definitely ask my son about it next Monday.

My fear is that if there is something going on that he might not feel free to tell you about it.  "His side" of the story, if it differs from the program's, is likely something he's not a liberty to share on a monitored phone call (and something he might not tell you anyway since he knows you'll repeat it to the program).  He'll know that if he tries to tell you something it'll get labeled as a "manipulation" and that you'll automatically believe the program over him.  In the program I was in you learned not to bother trying to tell your parents anything since they wouldn't believe you and to just try and pretend like everything was all right in order to progress in the program and possibly eventually leave.  I was told on intake that I could progress as fast as I did my "level requirements".  Once I did those I was told that I hadn't spent enough time.  In truth the requirements for advancement were entirely subjective and seemingly random.  I eventually learned level requirements really didn't matter much since the program was obviously intent on keeping kids there as long as possible regardless of however good their behavior was.

Is Aspen Ranch like that?  I can't say for sure.  What I can say is that you can't/won't know until, like my mom, you're crying to your son about how sorry you were you ever sent him to such a place and that you "just didn't know".  Fortunately or unfortunately for you, you're getting warned and educated so if ever you are in that place where you have to apologize, you won't be able to claim ignorance.  IF it comes to that, for your sake I hope your son forgives you.  Splitting families apart is probably the worst element of many of these places.

I just have a hard time seeing why you think these risks are necessary to help him.  In Europe where I am right now they don't have these programs and yet parents find ways of dealing with their kids' problems.

[try another castle]

My son, along with a group of other boys on his team were not behaving as expected.

What in sam hill does that mean?

I also realize that when rules are broken, there are consequences.

k... What was the rule that he broke?


I would greatly appreciate it if it's Nigel who answers this, thank you.

[Anonymous]

My son, along with a group of other boys on his team were not behaving as expected.  Their team was put into a "lockdown" where they have to stay in their dorm and talk through the problems.  

Forcing group punishment on minors is illegal, whether forced by "school" or "residential treatment center"--whichever Aspen Ranch is pretending to be. Real or not, NIGEL is creating a trail for prosecution for any willing party.

[Anonymous]

I will answer as many questions as possible.  First of all, to those that think I am a "troll", I probably can't change your mind, but if you read my posts I think you will see that I am not.  For those of you that are calling me out and telling me that I am abusing my son, I am reading your posts (sometimes twice) and I hope you believe me when I say I have thought those same things about myself at times.  But....as I have said before, if I didn't do something drastic, I am pretty sure my son would be dead at this point.  As for the cancellation of the phone call being punishment, it might seem that way, but the reason behind the cancellation was that my son's therapist was with the boys all day Tuesday and Wednesday in group sessions.  The rules that were broken (I probably used a bad choice of words here) were fairly serious.  There was some physical abuse (punches being thrown) and also some boys hyperventilating until they passed out.  These are obviously both safety issues and I truly believe that the people at Aspen Ranch are trying their best to make it a safe environment.  I will write more later and try to answer all of your questions.  Once again, I am not an advocate for the Aspen Ranch, just a parent who unfortunately had to make the most difficult decision of my life---sending my son away.  Whether or not this was a wise decision is up for debate, but it was something I felt we had to do.  I am posting on here for many different reasons, but the most important one is so that I can hear all sides so that the next very important decision I make (when to bring my son home) will be the right one.  I will post more later.

[Anonymous]

I will answer as many questions as possible.  First of all, to those that think I am a "troll", I probably can't change your mind, but if you read my posts I think you will see that I am not.  For those of you that are calling me out and telling me that I am abusing my son, I am reading your posts (sometimes twice) and I hope you believe me when I say I have thought those same things about myself at times.  But....as I have said before, if I didn't do something drastic, I am pretty sure my son would be dead at this point.  As for the cancellation of the phone call being punishment, it might seem that way, but the reason behind the cancellation was that my son's therapist was with the boys all day Tuesday and Wednesday in group sessions.  The rules that were broken (I probably used a bad choice of words here) were fairly serious.  There was some physical abuse (punches being thrown) and also some boys hyperventilating until they passed out.  These are obviously both safety issues and I truly believe that the people at Aspen Ranch are trying their best to make it a safe environment.  I will write more later and try to answer all of your questions.  Once again, I am not an advocate for the Aspen Ranch, just a parent who unfortunately had to make the most difficult decision of my life---sending my son away.  Whether or not this was a wise decision is up for debate, but it was something I felt we had to do.  I am posting on here for many different reasons, but the most important one is so that I can hear all sides so that the next very important decision I make (when to bring my son home) will be the right one.  I will post more later.

^^^ The who, or its equivalent, backpedalling.

[TheWho]

My son, along with a group of other boys on his team were not behaving as expected.  Their team was put into a "lockdown" where they have to stay in their dorm and talk through the problems.  

Forcing group punishment on minors is illegal, whether forced by "school" or "residential treatment center"--whichever Aspen Ranch is pretending to be. Real or not, NIGEL is creating a trail for prosecution for any willing party.

No its not.  Everyone is throwing up smoke screens here.  There are groups of kids who are singled out for detention and punished in local schools every day.  Why is it that you post here and continuously state that things are illegal but not one reference is ever given?

Can you supply a link to the law that supports your argument?

[try another castle]

There was some physical abuse (punches being thrown) and also some boys hyperventilating until they passed out.

ok... well... maybe I am an old fogey or something and things have gotten more uptight these days, but Im not really sure how getting into a fistfight is considered serious or severe. And the latter? psh. I'm surprised they didn't get laughed at by all the other kids for being such idiots.

Severe or not, the fact that you couldn't talk to your son for this is pretty pathetic. Especially since you just rolled over and let them say  you couldn't. Did you not have an urge to take your kid to task for being such a dickhead? Didn't you want to grab him by the ear and say "What the hell was that all about?" Isn't that your job as a father? Did you trade in your balls for tuition?

Is this the kind of stuff that people are afraid will put someone in jail or dead?


it's official... the world has turned pussy...


He's your son. You're his dad. Nobody can tell you when you can or can't see him, unless you roll over and let them.

Did  you honestly and truly want to see your son? Was it a relief when they said you couldn't?


I really can sympathize with parents who have impossible kids, or who are scared for their kids. I wouldn't have known what to do with me for certain, because I was a crazy asshole. Programs promise a lot, so I can see the desire to send your kid there, hoping maybe things can get worked out, because you are at a total loss and dont have an answer.

But to just LET someone tell you that you can't see your own child?

I just don't get that, and I have no respect for it.


There is just NO FUCKING EXCUSE... unless you just don't want to see them.



Do you love you son, Nigel? Maybe you should go up there whether they say its ok or not, and tell him in person. It will speak volumes, especially if he knows that Aspen doesn't approve.

I guarantee you... he will remember you did that for the rest of his life, and will probably do a hell of a lot more for your relationship than anything Aspen can do.

[TheWho]

None of us were on the phone call with the therapist.  Only Nigel was.  If he felt he needed to speak to his son on the issue he could have pushed for it.  But he may have received the info he needed from the childs therapist.  He has the option to speak to him on Monday and get his side of the dispute then.

Lets not judge his decision.  He knows his son best, if something smelled fishy he would know.

Hitting another person is a very big deal.  I have seen people get very upset on this site for just restraining or holding a kid with no hitting involved at all.

Lets wait and see what the facts are.

[blombrowski]

I don't think I could have said it any more eloquently than TAC.

Communication with parents should never be used as a punishment, period.  That's not to say that it isn't a common practice in programs of all kinds, but it is to say that if it's not the #1 red flag of a problem program, then it's pretty high up there.  And it's less a matter of what your son is going to say when he's on the phone, it's about your role as a parent.  It shouldn't be up to the program to punish your son, that's your job as his parent.  And if the program were doing their job, they would be preparing both you and him for the inevitability of how you plan on disciplining him when he does come home.  

Again, ditto TAC.