I've never doubted for a moment that I've wanted to be a writer. I felt the itch at a very young age when I typed my first story, which more or less described a youth shooting down Santa Claus with a Stinger Missile after not getting what he wanted for Christmas. From time to time I try to write, but more often than not my motivation takes off on me like an out-of-control test airplane that is taking a hard left turn right into the ground at about eight hundred miles an hour. Despite these aborted attempts/failures I've never given up trying to get serious about writing.
Trying to write is as much fun as actually completing a writing project. The effort that goes into creating a finished product expands the mind, makes you fell good for finishing, and garners a sense of respect from the people around you. When you can announce loudly to the world that you are the one, the great one, no let me revise that, you are the only great one who has just finished your book those around you will respond, "cool dude, now pass the chips," as they keep on playing games on their X Box. Further, be warned that writing isn't going to get you laid.
These days when you saunter into a party and you smile at a lovely young thing and drop the good news that you are a writer you'll probably get laughed at. Even girls who are English Majors aren't going to give a damn and knowing those uppity wenches they'll probably show more interest in the pizza boy. Though to be fair you have to recognize that the pizza boy has a job and a car, you as the starving struggling writer are probably still living in your parent's house. In addition to living in your parent's house the long hours spent in front of the keyboard will leave you pale and either fifty pounds overweight or fifty pounds underweight.
As writers it is important to us to learn to take care of ourselves both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We can't afford to let ourselves run to fat and neither can we afford to let ourselves become so thing that we have to install a safety line in our shower to keep from going down the drain. Taking care of ourselves physically can be done with great ease and at a very low expense. Don't be one of those idiots that joins a gym and I realize some of you are scoffing at the my position of joining a gym. However, I have a very good reason for suggesting you avoid them like the plague.
Gyms are havens for a serious disease that modern science has yet to identify. Spending anytime in a gym leaves you at risk for this unknown killer and the symptoms include sweating, panting for air, and exhaustion. This disease is a terrible curse upon humanity as its victims are seen stumbling out of gyms everyday moaning in agony.You should also consider the implications of going into a building that is filled with odd looking devices that are modeled on Inquisition era torture devices with Physical Trainers who are screaming, "No Pain, No GAIN fatty! Ten more miles!" Avoid them at all costs and in our pursuit of becoming fit we must tap into the power of the Internet.
Free Internet porn is the key to maintaining our physical health. I could suggest numerous exercises, but I think we all know the standard one for free porn. Anyone with working hands can do it and it only costs a bit of toilet paper. I strongly suggest you not using an old sock as you might be running the risk of getting caught using another person's sock. Nor should you use newspaper as you might have the unpleasant surprise of looking down the next time you go pee and discovering you can go to the bathroom and read the sports page simultaneously. As you sitting in your bathroom working on your physical conditioning I want you to also consider your spiritual conditioning.
While you are banging out a good workout on the toilet you should take the time to reflect on all the good things you have been given in your life. I don't care if you are homeless and are using a construction site's porta-potte to get in a quick workout. Even if you are paralyzed from the hips down, have HIV, a drug addiction, and have two Mafia killers wanting to chat with you about the fun associated with ball peen hammers and your knee caps. Actually if you are paralyzed from the hips down and you have two Mafia thugs wanting to smash your knee caps with hammers you really ought to be thanking god for saving you a heap of agony. Again, show your respect to god in the manner which you are accustomed, but for the love of god if you are one of those pushy sorts who likes to convert in the name of your god, stay off my porch.
Being a writer also requires us to being emotionally strong.To be emotionally strong we tap into the power of high powered pistols and those annoying people who try to convert you to whatever faith they are pushing. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that being a Christian, Hare Krishna, Jew, Muslim, or Worshiper of the Porcelain God is a bad thing. I do tend to get touchy when those Porcelain God Worshipers hold mass in my bathroom, but for the most part I like to think I'm a pretty open person to new ideas and religions, but I just can't stand those Mormons who come to my house and say no every time I offer them a beer. Is it possible that coming to the door in my boxers doesn't help?
Now to get back on point with my discussion of emotional strength I'm going to suggest you go out and buy the biggest fake pistol you can find. The bigger the bettter and you'll want to practice talking like Clint Eastwood as well. The pistol should be so big that you need two hands a troop of cub scouts to help you haul the thing home. The next thing you should do is invest in one of those peep holes for your door. Do take care not to drop it on the sidewalk as the weight of the thing will probably crack the sidewalk and you'll get a visit from a very irate city engineer. Once you gotten the peep hole installed and you have your real looking pistol you are ready for the next step, which is waiting for some hapless religious nutter to come around to your door.
Just be patient, lay in a supply of beer and meat, and wait. There is no point in doing any writing until you have ensured that your are emotionally strong so instead of writing I urge you to get in a few workouts and maybe even play some X Box games. I like that game where the one guy reaches into the other guy's chest and rips the guy's heart out. Sooner or later a religious sort will wander up to your door and when he or she does your spring your fiendish trap, which is answering the door with your real looking pistol and screaming, "HAHAHAHHAHAHAA LOSER, YOUR GOD WON'T SAVE YOU NOW!"
This practically ensures your emotional well being will be boosted well beyond your normal state of well being. You'll be empowered, stronger for the experience, and in prison. Don't be alarmed as prison will only make you a wiser member of the writing community for having all that time to work out and running away from those guys trying to play a quick pick up game with the soap in the showers. At the very least you'll be one of those tough looking fellows who can swagger into a party with the right qualifications to boast of being a writer who just got out of prison. That ought to go over well with the ladies, but seriously, no working out at parties that'll just get you sent to the wrong sort of prison or killed by the person hosting the party.
