Originally , I found this forum after reading information from other sources online related to the troubled child (for profit) industry. I had some dialog via facebook with a few folks who have posted on here and read through the entire thread of archived posts under the seed discussion forum. I ws emotionally exhausted and mentally drained amd had a few rough nights (ask my husband)
I actually woke him up a time or two, yelling in my sleep , with clinched fists. He had no idea what was going on and asked if I was OK, I am OK but it was hell for a few days. I actually ripped the sheets running away , all in my sleep. This is not made up for attention, sympathy or any other reason, It is what happened to me after reading the posts many folks contributed back in 2001 to 2005.
I felt happy I had found this place but the anger poured out of me. I rented "over the GW", I read Marc P's. take (we were in together at T.P.), I laughed, I cried, I hated, all over again.
I have gone to therapy, I had worked it out, just as I did when my ten year old son passed away. I am not a mean person, I am not a bad person. I am a person who had mean and bad things happen to them.
And so did my younger brother and sister.
I read the rules of the forum and lurked around for several weeks, scared to post because maybe it was a set up. When it felt safe, I jumped in and maybe my words were biting and childish and vulgar, but like all of you "old timers", I was venting just as you did years before me.
When I was in hospice and grief counseling , I was told that people grieve in different ways, some get through it quickly, some take time, other repress it for as long as necessary. There were no hard and firm rule about getting through tragedy.
I guess I had held in all that stuff for so long and it was ready to come out.
I am completely aware that my captives are not reading this stuff and have moved on in their lifes or are so old , it doesn't matter. Those are not the people I was raging at. I was raging at the ones in charge then and who they were then and what they were allowed to do with no authority, training or concern for the outcome, except lining their pocket under the guise of helping children.
In reading the archive posts , I noticed similar sentiment and rage, obsession and expression. There was kidding around, talk of lawsuit, name calling to the guilty, threats, questions, posting of public data, encounters, sharing, thoughts, ideas; all unique to the poster at the time. There was even a little sarcasm and fantasy.
Being asked to leave and move on was a lot like being stood up and started over, for those of you that went through that.
I am not perfect, right, wrong, stupid, selfish, or a whore (some of you will get this)
I am just a former seedling who suffered at the hands of untrained and unqualified people who are long gone but should not ever be forgotten , even if you do not agree with my perspective or my postings.
They should never be forgotten because this is where it all started .