Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > CAN ~ Collective Action Network

Katie's Story

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Miss Antsy Pam:
Katie....

I can only imagine how hard it was to write that installment.  However, by doing so, you have freed yourself from the chains that bind and take you down.  People in your situation or something similar do the same thing; it is purely a matter of SURVIVAL.  You did what you had to do to make it thru your YEARS of torture.

Please, please remember you only did what you HAD TO DO in order for YOU to survive.  Everyone on these forums knows how this works with the upper levels and the new kids.  Do not beat yourself up for doing what anyone would have done in your situation.  You may be judged by some Fornits readers, but they are only words and words cannot kill you.  

New things will come to light as the days and months pass, but you have the opportunity now to make YOUR LIFE different and better than it ever could be.  Look at what people like Femanon had to endure and look at her now.  She is DEVOTED to this cause and channels her energy into doing something positive and something that makes a difference.  I respect her more than MANY other people in my life even though she is not my biggest fan because I did something to her that was wrong.  Even with that, she had the ability to forgive (maybe?) and to continue working together for a common goal.

Remember sweetie...this will be a journey and NOT just a destination.  You will have to process many things over the ensuing years, but what they say is TRUE...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Much love,
~pam    :rose:  :peace:

katiesthoughts:
This passage was an enlightened one, I wrote this morning. I felt as if it should be shared.


Today I watched the sunrise. I don’t know why, but today I felt like I should be there. To see the sun streak across the horizon filling the new day with its golden light, chasing away all of the fears of the night before. I watched as it slowly crossed its way over the treetops glistening and golden. The bluish tint of the sky grew lighter and lighter as I watched… it seemed to beckon to me, telling me the secrets of the world. I felt compelled to watch as the light rose from the deepest pits of the night. The hands of darkness seemed to reach out and fade as the sun drove them back. The sunrise seemed to take longer than I expected, washing away all of the fear and doubt I was holding in my body…

You must never judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins… This phrase hit me as I watched the sun leak across the sky. Why would someone want to spend time in the night of someones life, when the day was so glorious? When the fear and doubt of the moon clawed its way from the depths and controlled the soul and body? Why not see someone’s life in the light? I wish I would have wanted to see the sunrise earlier in my life, maybe I would feel differently. Maybe I would be able to forgive myself.

As the sky gradually began to lighten I felt a fear. I felt that if I didn’t see the gradual change in time that I would somehow miss out on an important lesson. I feel like I should be here, in this moment, watching the sunrise, as if for the first time. I don’t remember any sunrise before this one, and in a way I regret that. I wish I could remember feeling this way before but somehow I don’t believe I have.

I don’t know why I suddenly got up from my bed to watch the sunrise. I don’t know why I feel I have to write this, maybe its because I know something now, that I didn’t know before. Maybe now I am open to seeing things as they are not as they should or could have been. Even know as the claws of sleep bat at me, I am forced to watch the sky lighten… like I am forced to unlearn some lesson that long ago I had been told, but somehow over the passage of time I had lived.

I had once told someone that I was a night person… I cannot believe that now. The trees are not alive in the night, the flowers petals are closed to the assailing darkness. I am not a night person. I was meant to live and walk in the day time. So is everyone else. I cannot live my life in the dark. And I cannot live in a cage. That is where I was. In a cage, housed and treated as an animal.

The birds sing their songs to the light, beckoning its rays to caress their lives. To some it signals the passing of another day, to others it signals the birth of a new time. I am not sure which I believe at the moment, but I do know that right now, where I am is where I am supposed to be. All around me the animals know that dawn is coming. They rise and scurry about, welcoming the passing of the night. For some it is a relief, that they have made it through without succumbing to predators, for others it is a time of rest.

The sun is continuing to rise… and I am  going to be ok. I am going to continue to survive, just as it continues to rise.

I am currently working on seeing things the way they should be seen, but it is difficult for me to do so. I have to look at life in a different perspective than what I was taught for 3 ½ years, and I struggle.

I am working on forgiving myself with the help of a few trusted friends, but I wanted to say again, that I am deeply sorry for what I did. I hope that if there are any survivors , out there who I lashed out at know that…


I am so sorry. Words can never express this. I wish every single day of my life, that I could have done something different, but I know now that I could not. I had to do what I did, and the only thing I can do now is to show that I am not that person. I am a good and kind person. I am compassionate and I love people. I am sorry. So so sorry. Please. Forgive me, so I can forgive myself.

katiesthoughts:
This post is dedicated to those who have been my support, who have helped me through everything. To those people, you know who you are. Thank you for everything. I love you. :rose:


Hope is a funny thing. Sometimes it eludes you… and other times it hits you with a force like a tidal wave. In the last few days I have felt both…strongly than I have in a long time, stronger than I have ever imagined. Like being whipped around in rip tide… Its strange in that sense. Like for some unknown reason I was to be challenged. Pushed to my limit. But as always it seems that my limit is just out of reach. Instead of breaking against the rocks of a craggy shore, I surface from the water I was being whipped by. I sputter and gasp for air, knowing that each breath I take only solidifies the fact that I am alive. My breaking point was just beyond my reach, like the distant shore. I knew my struggle to reach it would only tire me and lead to my end. In my subconscious I wanted to break only to know that nothing could bother me anymore. If I was broken, nothing could hurt, there could be no pain. Then I realize that to feel is human…

Thoughts, and perceptions have been hard for me to voice lately. Like a gag is stuck in my throat, keeping me from saying what I think, and what I should. I have been unable to write as if  someone had mutilated my hands so that words could no longer flow from them. But now things are slightly clearer. I can speak if only in a whisper and my hands once again have the strength to write out the simplest words. Like an inmate seeing the sunshine after incarceration I rejoice… instead of celebrating freedom however, I rejoice in my quick tongue and fluid hands. These symptoms were the result of a fear. I am still not sure what that fear exactly is, but it does not seem so crippling now.

Some people say that  18 years of a person’s life is spent, growing into the person they will be. I don’t believe that. I believe the person you will be varies from day to day, you just happen to carry along the baggage and lessons of youth, adolescence and adulthood. A person grows every second. The human mind has a capacity to learn new reactions and lessons in the time it takes to take a deep breath. Therefore, we do not only grow every second, but we also are carrying along past experiences to help us to better deal with the future. There is no growth into the person you will become. Saying “You are growing” or “You have grown” or “Such Growth” makes it seem as if there is no choice. There is always a choice. We do not “grow” into the person we become… we are that person every second of our lives.

For the longest time I have found it hard to be happy. Not in a sense that I was depressed, more of numb. Happiness for me is not easily achieved. These last few days… for a few brief moments… I have felt happy. I have felt hope. Some say that laughter is the medicine of the soul. No the shallow giggles of a love struck school girl, or the barking laugh of an old man; but the eye rolling, breath taking, gut ripping, tear jerking hysterical laughter of the truly free. I experienced this last night. Laughter truly is medicine. Not only did I feel more relaxed and calm but suddenly the fear I was chained by seemed to loosen its hold around my heart. As I wiped the tears of joy away from my eyes for once, I knew that even if things got bad, if those who cared about me could make me laugh, I would be ok. I would live. And I could be happy.

anythinganyone:
I would agree.  Lots of laughter is distracting, and it helps you look through things in an optimistic light :)

I think fuckin' CCM actually considered laughter a form of avoiding, 'cause, you know, anything that stops them from taking complete control of you and what emotions you feel makes them unhappy liek. :/

katiesthoughts:
A few days ago I was hit with a storm. Not only physically but emotionally. That day the weather hit my house with a force I didn’t expect. That night, my emotions hit me with a force I couldn’t handle. I was hit by a decision to make, and in that moment I was reminded of my experience at Cross Creek. I felt that no matter what I did I would revert to the person I was forced to be in the program. I could see the faces of the kids I had hurt swimming in my head, I could feel the same emotions choking my throat. My breath caught in my chest as the panic engulfed me. My head spun as the pain thrashed at my being. I wasn’t going to survive this. As I began to search for anyone to lean on, I found someone.

In that moment I didn’t know what else to do but to tell someone. I began to realize that strength has nothing to do with silence; which is what I have been taught for a  long time. I felt like I was turning back into the person I was in the program, and I was afraid of that. I was so scared of what I would do to others I began to form a plan in my head.

I was going to avoid everyone. To isolate myself from everyone, hold everyone at arms length, so that I would never have to hurt anyone again. I voiced this idea and was faced with the reality of it. It was a cowards choice. I began to come to terms with what has been driving me slowly insane. I am afraid of being emotionally alone. I am afraid of being so secluded I revert to the behaviors that were FORCED upon me in the program. I also realized that in a way… being alone was not as frightening as I thought it was. I have dealt with it before, and for some reason it became less and less intimidating and scary. I now had the CHOICE to be alone. I had the power to decide whether or not I would be alone. No one would be able to force me to do the things I had done before. I had control.

I still hold a huge amount of guilt over my head for what I did in the program, and in a way that guilt is what keeps me moving forward. Every time I think of what I have done, every night when I have the same nightmare, it only drives me to push against it. I still struggle DAILY with my experience in the program. I am still crippled by fears that have been pushed upon me…But unlike the time I spent there, I am able to choose how I live now. And I am choosing. I am going to follow my heart, and try as hard as I can to make up for my actions. As I deal with things my support system continues to accept me with open arms. I find it hard to actually understand, but then again, some things… well they are past words or human comprehension. I do understand though, that I am not, and will never be alone.

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