Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > CAN ~ Collective Action Network

Katie's Story

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katiesthoughts:
Ok. Sorry for the irregularity of my posts. As I said before I have been busy but in the end it is just a matter of making time right?

Alright my ultimatum and my efforts to be a perfect kid. Well an attempt is an attempt. Let’s just say it’s safe to say that nobody can be perfect. I am a perfect example of that fact. And in that that is as close as I can get to being perfect, is being a perfect example... My mom and I were having issues wit her rules. On a few occasions she would call over our landlord to be a mediator. I was given a set of chores to help her out (even though I was doing everything else anyway) I began to feel like I was back in my dad's home. I grew shorter and shorter. There was an instance where I chose to go to practice and not do my homework. I got home, and my room was basically stripped of everything I owned. I had nothing but a bare mattress on my bed with sheets. I was so angry. My knickknacks that my dad had sent me form home were missing. My blanket I had from since I was little. I was missing my teddy bears; everything I cherished was gone. My mom was sitting on the bed with my math. She calmly explained that once my homework was done I could have my things back. I almost went into a rage. I was close enough to freak out on her, but Nicholas began crying. I calmly said ok, and went to get my baby brother. I don’t know what it was about hearing him cry, but I knew that my anger would somehow hurt him. I picked him up out of his play pin, grabbed my math book from my mom, and did the homework, Nicky sitting on my lap the whole time. Nicholas had a wonderful calming essence about him. He sat there looking at me, and every so often I would tickle him to hear his laugh. His little fingers were wrapped up in my hair, and he was the most wonderful creation ever made in my eyes. (Break here: I never could understand why his father had let my mother, when she was pregnant. How could anyone leave that beautiful perfect bundle of joy and love? Then I realize the same thing happened to me when my mom left. She left me, just like Nicky’s dad left her. I wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t cute at that point but didn’t I bring any joy to her life anymore/ was I not her beloved daughter? :cry:  ??? )

Back to the story. I finished homework and  put Nicky to bed. I cleaned up and slept on the couch. I went to school the next day. I came home. Most of my things were back...  my blanket was still gone, my knickknacks too. Everything else was back. I confronted my mom. She told me that the blanket was being washed. Then she dropped the bomb. She explained she was short of money. She explained that Nicholas needed medicine. She had sold my knickknacks to get money to pay for his prescriptions. It didn’t sink in. I was upset yes, but Nicholas was more important to me.

Things seemed to lighten up around the house as  long as I could run to Nicky and be around him. I tried to be the better daughter. All the while I felt support from church. I felt like my life was as bad as I made it out to be. I found surrogate fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters. Ones who treated me like I was worth millions upon  millions of dollars. My mom began to not go, and if she didn’t go, neither could I. I begged for her to take me at some times. I wanted to feel like I was normal, I wanted to feel happy. It seemed in those walls nothing bad could happen.

My mom stopped going together. I couldn’t go either. I was hurt, and as usual I tried other ways to cope. I began reading and escaping into books when I could. I felt as if I were apart of the world the author had spun onto those glorious pages. I felt like nothing could come into my life as long as I was somewhere else. Books... god, I think this is the point where I first began my dream of being an author. In books. I would laugh along with the characters, cry with them,  I felt so safe and secure. I began to wish I could just float into a book and stay there.
Stress was piling up. My mm and I were unable to get along even if I had Nicky. Finally I gave up on myself. I cut myself.  The cuts were deep. I walked into living room, my faced stained with tears, and blood on my hands from where i  had tried to wipe it away. Nicholas was asleep, thank god. (I don’t know how I could handle it if he would had saw me. he was only 2 years old, but I couldn’t bear it if the only thing he remembers about me is that I wanted to die. he fought so hard for his life, and here I was throwing away mine)
My mom began to cry and called my grandma. She explained what I was doing. My grandma wanted to talk to me. I answered the phone. She told me how hurting I was hurting her and the family. She explained there were other things I could do to help me, she explained so many things as I listened silently. Then she asked me, "do you need my help sweetie, I’ll do anything!" In my anger and frustration I told her " NO. I DONT NEED HELP. I DONT WANT YOUR HELP!" I hung up the phone. Little did I know that was the last time I would ever talk to her. The last words I said to my grandma were ones of hatred and anger. ( I still hold so many regrets for that. I miss her terribly, what did she think of me when she died? That I didn’t love her?)

Thanks everyone. I will write more tomorrow. Its hard to talk about my grandma. I miss her so much. :waaaa:  :cry:  :'(

FemanonFatal2.0:
She sold your things? I don't know if I should be surprised or not. Either way that is no way for a parent to treat a child.

so was your mom kinda crazy?

katiesthoughts:
yes my mother is crazy. she cant handle having children. she has 7 and it seems in my opinion that as soon as they are old enough to take care of themselves she leaves them and has more becuase she has the need to be needed. she left me, my brothers jon erik and matt, and i am pretty sure she left bryan and bejamin with thier dad. nicholas (backround is in blog) has no one else and his conditions require someone to hep him most of the time, so my mom wont leave him because he fullfills her need. My thought is that with his condition he could die at any moment any day. he could already have died, (i wouldt know i havent heard from my mother in over 4 years) but what will she do when nicky doesnt need mommy dearest anymore, or whn nicky passes away? my mom is so young any more. i dont thin she is able to have kids either. what will she do then?
:'( ???  :waaaa:

FemanonFatal2.0:
Wow that's really sad, and whats even more so is that you really have no one to lean on for the real family love that you need.

Maybe someday you may be able to reconnect with your mother even if it is just to get closure but at this point I believe it is best for you to keep that kind of drama out of your life. If only you had the same choice regarding your step mother huh?... lol.

When you were younger you needed your parents, their love and guidance and it pains me to see that both of your mother figures treated you like this, I can only assume that contributed greatly to the depression problems that drove you to cut. When were growing up we don't see very clearly the cause and effect of our actions and the actions of others and how they make us who we are, I guess hindsight is 20-20. The best we can do is believe in ourselves and try not to take other peoples problems personally. You mother may be crazy, and your step mom may be abusive but that has NOTHING to do with you, those are THEIR problems. Someday you may forgive them for the hurt they caused in your life and I truly hope you will but before you will ever be able to move on with your own life you will have to learn to separate your emotions from theirs, your actions from theirs and your identity from theirs. You have to be comfortable and happy being you whether they approve of you or not, that way when they act that way you don't have to take it to heart and let it hurt you.

I learned a long time ago that whatever issues my parents had, they had way before I ever came along and I don't have to blame myself for that. I hope you can learn that too, and despite if they support your dreams or treat you with the respect you deserve you are still worthy of the life you want to live.

maruska:
Hi Katie!
Long time not heard from you, hope you are OK.

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