look everyone i am dearly sorry that i havent written, i have been so busy with school! I am senior this year so there are alot of after school activities that hold me there unitl at least 10:00 pm , and then i have to do homework, take a 5 second shower and get inot bed to redo it all again the next day. However my involvement with our High school musical, "Anything Goes" is almost over, our show is finally being performed on friday, saturady and sunday this week, and after that i dont know what i'll be able to do with myself!
SO, back to the story, last i left off, i was at my mom's and things were going ok. Soon we moved out of are artment closer to some support system for my mom, and closer to my new high school. The move was really difficult for me. I was nervous about ym new school, and for the longest time i was afraid i would not find any friends at highschool. I was so nervous, because of the iussue at my last school. I was a loner there, and i was so nervous that i would end up being one there to. New mexico was very different from ohio. There was no humidity, and the heat was almost a bliss. I began to lose weight, not of my own doing, but of lack of food. My mom wasnt very well off, and often i gave up my dinner to feed my little brothers. i didnt mind however. I thought often, that a meal would go better with their stomachs not mine.
My mothers ex, the father of brian and benjamin, wqould have them druing the week most of the time, and when they were with us, me and my mother tried to make things fun for them, taking them swimming, watching movies at home. We really tried to make their lives less hectic after having to be switched from house to house every week.
It was the first house my mom had ever had on her own. It wasnt a mansion and wasnt a slum, but to me it was perfect. My bedroom was half of the living room, with a curtain seperating the two. i loved that room. School began, and i was wrong.
For me i was so nervous, but as i went to school that first day i was clearly mistaken about not finding frineds. they were evrywhere. I had friends up the wazoo! I felt that my life was going right for once. I was the mananger of the varsity volleyball team and often io spent my nights at practice then went home and cooked or hung out with my mom. My paradise wouldnt last however. i started to get inot the wrong group of friends. I swear i think that i am a magnet for trouble, cause everywhere i go, i get into it.
My friends were the same sort of group as they were in ohio. In a way hanging out with them made me feel like i wasnt alone and that i wasnt the only one in the world with problems. Our idea of fun, was at lunch hour to goof off, running around our huge courtyard screaming "The chickens are coming!" We would almost die laughing.
I became friends with a few girls who were bisexual. At that point i didnt see a problem with it, and i believed that i was as well. To be safe, i was cautious and never overstepped any boundaries, but i did have a so to speak "girlfriend". (Thinking now, i was exploring my sexuality anbd i was confiused, so i am GLAD i grew out of that...)
I began cutting agina. My mom had no clue, and i wasnt going to be the one to tell her about it either. It was shallow and small but still it was my addicttion. my friends would try to get me to stop and to see that my life was worth moree that trying to hurt myself. It was strange, In Ohio, with christy they saw cutting as a relief and they supported me in it. Here they saw it as a plea for help, and they diagreed with me, trying to get me to stop. I felt horrible. i would cut in places to hide it. Not only was i hiding from my mom, but now i had to hide it from my freinds.
I did well for about 4 months at school. good grades, and everything. I was a good student and i loved my classes, (EXCEPT MATH, I STILL CANT STAND IT) :beat:
My mom became involved with a church for the beginning of my stay with her. we didnt talk about it ever, so i didnt really wonder. one day on our way home picking up Nicholas from daycare, she stopped by the building. I read the sign. "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". I was 15. I had no clue what this was. I gave my mom a questioning glance and she said, "I'm A mormon." It took a moment to register. Polygomy, cult craziness. "NOT MORMON!" I was astonished. :jawdrop:
She gave me an ultimatum. I could ive with her and follow her beliefs, and her rules or i could go back to ohio. Of course I picked what anyone would pick, after living with Stepmonster. I started going to church with her. I began to conform. I was babtized. I didnt follow it. asfter all it was just a title. I didnt believe the ajrgain, but i wanted to make my mom happy. I was a master pretender, so this was just another role.
school bacame hectic for me. i broke up with my girlfriend. I tried to not to cut myself. I tired over and over. But as you will read later.... trying is never enough.