Post: Any other way besides therapeutic schools?
Natasha
Getting Oriented
01-15-09 08:00 PM - Post#5863
All of our children sound so similar which is comforting only because in my family, I know no other children who are even close to similar as my 16 year old. He is typical --has ADD but no other diagnosed issues, abuses marijuana, is failing school, has anger issues, contributes nothing positive to family or his own life, tries to charm his way out of everything and then when that doesn't work, becomes angry and threatening, will not follow rules, feels he is entitled to a wonderful lifestyle without lifting a finger in either school or anything else.
I am just astounded that he has not grasped any concept of responsibility, respect, hard work, etc. The older he gets, the more entrenched his attitude appears to be.
I don't think I can force him to enter any type of program. Is there any other strategy that could work?
H.S.
Getting Oriented
01-15-09 08:32 PM - Post#5864
Natasha,
a good percentage of these kids do not go by choice into therapeutic programs. There are transport companies that can do that "dirty work" for you. For us, the last thing we ever thought we would do was to send her away. We could never have actually brought her up to Utah by ourselves, very difficult with a child who had the ability to refuse to go most anywhere, school, family activities, basically anything other than what she wanted to do.
It was the most difficult decision we ever had to make. But, bottom line was that we could not provide for our daughter what she needed at that time. It was because of our love for her that we sent her to her Residential Treatment Center, basically to save her life and to ensure that she had a future. No home program, no therapist at home, nothing other than sending her into this different environment would have been the right thing.
Your son is still a child. Don't wait too long. He still has two more years until you cannot do this for him. You are able to make the decision for him while he is still a child.
Our daughter is now 17, has been home for 1 1/2 years from her RTC and is beyond amazing. I finally have the relationship with her that I had prayed for and she has the strength and belief in herself that she never possessed prior to Utah!
Good luck!
pavanden
Getting Oriented
01-16-09 01:59 PM - Post#5865
Natasha,
I completely agree with HS.
Have you considered working with an educational consultant? They can vet out the best TBS/RTC (and possibly wilderness) programs for your son and know the best transport services, etc. should you need to go that route.
You are not alone with your son's entitlement, ADD, substance abuse and unwillingness to get help of any sort. We have all been there in one shape or form (I too can check off all of those boxes for my own boy). But if yours is failing school, has anger issues and is using, it sounds as if you need to intervene quickly as it will likely not turn around on its own.
Rarely do outpatient therapy and home programs produce positive outcomes with these kids. Yes, these wilderness/TBS/RTC programs are wildly expensive. And in our case, we had limited financial resources to put towards this, so we chose to put those resources towards that which had the highest likelihood of success. A painful, life-changing decision and there is a huge hole in our family without him here, but in the end, we may have saved his life.
My heart goes out to you.
Natasha
Getting Oriented
01-16-09 03:23 PM - Post#5866
Thank you for your posts.
I swing back and forth thinking it is absolutely essential and then thinking I can go along a while longer because he seems okay for a bit. I think when he senses that I am at the end of my rope, he eases up a bit with the wild behaviour so that I get a false sense of security.
I am in Canada so it may be a little trickier getting him somewhere.
I will make a decision in the next couple of months. Thanks again.
pat
Community Leader
01-16-09 04:38 PM - Post#5867
A reputable and ethical educational consultant will help guide you. We were told last year that Canada is a "parent friendly" country because the kids can be required to stay after 18. I don't know if that is true but it would relieve some stressors if you have more time.
Dadrod
Community Leader
01-18-09 08:12 PM - Post#5872
There are ways other than therapeutic schools to address the issues -- "abuses marijuana, is failing school, has anger issues" etc. -- and help your son help himself. Exactly what merits consideration depends partially on where you live, as local resources will be fewer (or absent) in more thinly populated areas. The other big question is how long the problem behavior has been going on, as the longer established, the harder to change. Frankly, a therapeutic school ought to be last on the list of actions considered.
The top of the list should be counseling/therapy locally. Near that should be any appropriate local programs -- bearing in mind that some local programs may have harder-core users and could be counterproductive for your son's (and your) interests. Along the way you should be examining how he funds his drug purchases, and gets other things he wants.
You wrote that you "swing back and forth thinking it is absolutely essential and then thinking I can go along a while longer". I've been there. Maybe when he "eases up" is just the moment to take a vacation with him ... to a suitable program, if that is what you decide. Alternatively, that might be just the time to introduce something new in your home structure and expectations, notably some behavioral techniques. Maybe your son would be a fit for a limited wilderness experience that could clear his body and build some self-esteem, thus reducing the craving for escape that drugs address.
I've paid for, and believe strongly in the value of good transport agencies, good wilderness programs, and good therapeutic schools under whatever label they use. I didn't use a consultant, but did have the time to do considerable research myself. And none of these were first choice responses to a problem.
Whatever you decide, there will be some changes in your home. The goal is to make them positive for all involved. Start with researching all local area possibilities. One way or another make sure your son is involved with something helpful/positive near home before you decide to "send him away". Even somewhat regular sessions with a therapist will produce something good ... even if only confirmation that a TBS/RTC sort of place is called for.
birdfeeder
Community Leader
01-19-09 03:56 PM - Post#5873
My experience tells me that if you are concerned enough and have been for long enough that you are on this forum, you have probably tried much of the "local help". Just a guess. I have rarely seen therapy work for defiant, non-compliant teens...therapy requires a motivated, willing client who wants to work toward improvement and is candid and open; this rarely describes a teen who is dragged to a therapist. The most important point is that you ONLY have any control until he is 18; the reputable transport companies are amazing (I, of course, never even realized such an "industry" existed). The theme I hear referred to constantly is doing what you must for their safety....for theirs and for the rest of the family. Parents almost never send their kids to a program for "normal" teenage challenges and almost never because they're just not getting along; it usually has a component of doing what one must to keep them safe (from drugs, from self-harm, from risky driving and other risky behavior) until they can grow up enough to make wiser decisions.
DadMom
Getting Oriented
01-20-09 08:51 PM - Post#5879
Can you share the name of the RTC that your daughter went to? Thanks.
H.S.
Getting Oriented
01-20-09 10:05 PM - Post#5881
It is called Alpine Academy and is near Salt Lake City. It is an absolutely amazing program for girls only. I don't know if you have a son or a daughter, however, if you do have a daughter, I highly suggest contacting them. The website is
http://www.alpineacademy.org/ Christie
Getting Oriented
02-19-09 04:21 PM - Post#5913
My son was exactly where your son is. We had a transport service (extremely good) take him from Calif. to Utah. He had been using drugs off and on for 4 years and habitually for 2 years, out of school, hated authority, etc... He is now doing incredibly well at Cayenne Recovery Ranch in La Sal Utah.(website:
http://www.cayennerecoveryranch.com/) he currently has a part time job, as well as, is finishing up his high school work and should graduate on time. We never in our lives thought he could come so far. I truly believe that if my husband and I hadn't done this, our son most likely wouldnt have made it to his 18th B-day.
Good luck with your struggle and I truly hope you and your son find someone who can help.
Natasha
Getting Oriented
02-20-09 03:17 PM - Post#5916
Thank you Christie and everyone else. You have made me feel much better about my decision. It is a bizarre club that we are members of. None of my friends understand and think it is counterintuitive to send a boy away who is "crying out" for help. But they can't see that the only way for him to be helped is if he is away.
I thank you all. Tuesday is the big day...will let you know how it goes.
cath
Getting Oriented
02-20-09 09:06 PM - Post#5917
I have come to this thread a little late. I would say there are other possibly other options depending on your circumstances.
I sent my daughter to wilderness but not away to school. Wilderness was a mixed experience, but it did moderate her behavior and helped me realize that I needed to be a little firmer. But she also loathed it, and felt like the family scapegoat who was sent away to be "fixed".
In terms of the issue of entitlement what helped greatly in this area was getting her a part time job. She works in a book shop for a young slightly bohemian woman that she just adores. It has really taught her that being your own person is fine but that you still have to work for things.
Whatever happens good luck
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