Depression Upon Leaving

[iamartsy]

I am curious about how many others grew depressed or suicidal after leaving Straight,PDAP, Pathway, or whatever program. I know PDAP provided such a social outlet that when you left it, you no longer knew how to make friends. All one could do was self analyze and worry they might "slip". I  know I wanted to run back "home" and be where it was "comfortable". Like in the other post, I still do not know how to relate to others. I say too much, then get confronted, and go into hiding. Currently, I am in hiding and worrying about how to be a friend or have a friendship. It all confuses me. Yes I am a drug addict currently, I desire to get off of the drugs. I know you guys don't condone AA, but where else do I go. Nightly, I worry I might OD. I kid you not. Sleep does not come easy to me. I take more and more until I fall asleep. I know Dr. Drew would have a field day with me, but I don't' want his way. I also don't tell friends. They might think me bad. I might get alienated here too. I assume I will. I am scared. Can you tell? Another night of pill popping to fall asleep. Is it suicidal or depression? I don't know. Yes, my exit from program life brought up the same issues, but not as badly as they are now. If I went back to AA, I would just be belittled and chastised. That does not help. I don't know that you will respond. I do know I am truly scared I will go the way of many "program" people and and end up on the "in memory of" list. No one here really knows me or if I would disappear. That program feeling is back. I am bad and evil and worthless. I answer my phone with apprehension. Do you guys know what I mean. The apprehension of confrontation. I read my email the same way. That is how it was today. I don't know if it will be that way tomorrow, but I am tired of playing happy and easy going for "friends" on facebook or in person. I was never easy going and never will be. I was always serious and a misfit.

[Froderik]

I do know I am truly scared I will go the way of many "program" people and and end up on the "in memory of" list. No one here really knows me or if I would disappear. That program feeling is back. I am bad and evil and worthless. I answer my phone with apprehension. Do you guys know what I mean. The apprehension of confrontation. I read my email the same way. That is how it was today. I don't know if it will be that way tomorrow, but I am tired of playing happy and easy going for "friends" on facebook or in person. I was never easy going and never will be. I was always serious and a misfit.

From one misfit to another, something by Captain Beefheart; it came to mind while reading your post... enjoy:

Paper and wire killed my brother and my sister too
And if you don't watch out
You know they're going to get you too
And if I don't watch out
You know they're going to get me too
Telephone
Telephone
Telephone
Telephone

Well I strangled the cord
Ripped it off of the phone
And I saw the bone
And I saw the twinkling lights
It must have been rats
'Cause it sure was a drone
It sure was a drag

Paper and wire killed my brother and my sister too
And if you don't watch out
You know they're going to get you
And if I don't watch out
You know they're going to get me too
Telephone
Telephone
Telephone

And I strangled
And I ripped the cord
And I saw the bone
And I heard these tweetin' things
N twinkling lights
N there was nobody home
Where are all those nerve endings coming out of the bone?
Telephone
Telephone

Well I ripped the cord right out of the phone
And I saw the bone
There the gleaming white bone
Telephone

Paper and wire killed my brother and my sister too
And if you don't watch out
You know they're going to get you
And if I don't watch out
You know they're going to get me too
Telephone
Telephone

And I can’t get away
And I can’t get away
It’s like a grey adder at the end of the hall
It’s like a plastic horned devil

[starry-eyed pirate]

Yeah, I know what you mean.  After I got outta $tr8, I could not relate...suffered a nervous breakdown and then spent about 10 years lost in confusion.  I'm doin much better now, well I've learned to cope, for the most part, anyway.

At one point about 10 years ago I was suicidal. 10 years after $tr8 and I was still, barely survivin. Every waking moment I was in so much pain I just wanted to end it, I mean I didn't even mention to anyone that I wanted to die, that's how serious I was.  I was obsessed with thoughts of suicide for about 3 months straight(no pun intended).  My 3 year old daughter pulled me through.  How could I leave her like that ??

I know what you mean about the phone and confrontations and stuff too.  

Not sure what to tell you about AA.  That's kinda like goin back to the cult.  

Maybe you could get some individual help. I've gone that way before and it helped.

The program was messed up.  Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your struggle.

[iamartsy]

Thanks starry-eyed pirate. I really don't want to go back to AA. As I said, they would chastise me for my "slip", and I am not up to that. Let's face it, I am ashamed enough. We were taught that shame in each of our programs. We can shame ourselves just fine. Granted there is a good meeting down the street from me. I do need to call my shrink. He told me to come in but I have just not been where I can make an appt. This was brought on by facebook helping me to find the person who "recruited" me into the program. I also found one person who went through what you and I are talking about. We have been able to talk about it some, but it is probably hard on that person. It is a weight on all of us. We all know that. Thank you.

[starry-eyed pirate]

Yeah.  I know.  Anyway, just follow your instincts, and don't take any wooden nickels.

[Anonymous]

I am curious about how many others grew depressed or suicidal after leaving Straight,PDAP, Pathway, or whatever program. I know PDAP provided such a social outlet that when you left it, you no longer knew how to make friends. All one could do was self analyze and worry they might "slip". I  know I wanted to run back "home" and be where it was "comfortable". Like in the other post, I still do not know how to relate to others. I say too much, then get confronted, and go into hiding. Currently, I am in hiding and worrying about how to be a friend or have a friendship. It all confuses me. Yes I am a drug addict currently, I desire to get off of the drugs. I know you guys don't condone AA, but where else do I go. Nightly, I worry I might OD. I kid you not. Sleep does not come easy to me. I take more and more until I fall asleep. I know Dr. Drew would have a field day with me, but I don't' want his way. I also don't tell friends. They might think me bad. I might get alienated here too. I assume I will. I am scared. Can you tell? Another night of pill popping to fall asleep. Is it suicidal or depression? I don't know. Yes, my exit from program life brought up the same issues, but not as badly as they are now. If I went back to AA, I would just be belittled and chastised. That does not help. I don't know that you will respond. I do know I am truly scared I will go the way of many "program" people and and end up on the "in memory of" list. No one here really knows me or if I would disappear. That program feeling is back. I am bad and evil and worthless. I answer my phone with apprehension. Do you guys know what I mean. The apprehension of confrontation. I read my email the same way. That is how it was today. I don't know if it will be that way tomorrow, but I am tired of playing happy and easy going for "friends" on facebook or in person. I was never easy going and never will be. I was always serious and a misfit.

I hear ya and I get it.  Totally.  I don't sleep much, never really have since getting out.  I can't take the benzos cuz they make me nuts, but so does a week of zero sleep.  Good ole MJ has been a blessing, in that regard.  Seriously, it has helped tremendously and there ain't a damn thing wrong with it.  You CAN'T od on it.

As far as AA, I'm not saying don't ever go.  I am saying that if you do, remember to use it as a social support group only.  Do NOT get a sponsor and do NOT buy into the BB or 12 & 12.  Therein lie the problems.  There's comfort and strength in hanging out with people who are abstaining, if that's what you feel you need.  Just don't get hooked into the dogma.

Some people have had success in dealing with PTSD via EMDR ( http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=emd ... loser-look ) but I never did.  Marijuana is the only thing that has ever truly helped me deal with any emotional scars.  Good luck and peace to you.

 :rasta:  :peace:  :seg2:

[Woof-a-Doof]

iamartsy---

I am a believer that if a person wants, needs, requires help in any way shape or form that they should seek it. And I think that help should be there for the person at thier time of need. Yes, it is a helluva position is it not? To suffer terriby , yet hesitate seeking professional help.The hesitation is directly related to Straight Inc.. Imagine if you will....X-Person wants to stop doing "whatever", however there is now a physical dependence and so the sence of urgencey is now heightened. Then comes a thought from childhood that immediately sets an objection in ones own mind to resist the help he/she so desperately wants.

Just another reason why Straight Inc sucked, sucks and will always suck!

It aint right!

 :soapbox:

I hear the suffering,
I know the suffering.
I hear the anguish,
I know the anguish.
I hear the fear,
I know the fear.
I hear the desire for intimacy,
I know the desire for intimacy.

Much Healing
In Peace
woof