On Healing- A Continuation

[Woof-a-Doof]

For years, well over a decade to be safe, I have read most if not all spiritual teachings. My reasoning is this; if no human (other than you foks) can understand the horror I went thru, I must find some sort of internal answer. For too many decades have gone by and I continue to suffer in one way, shape, form or another. Whether it be internaly, with family, with loved ones, with friends, even employment...the suffering I experianced, and still experience continues internaly and manafests itself outside in dealing with other people. It is as if the "suffering" is not content to effect me as an individual. It seems to affect my perceptions of others, my sublime mistrust of humanity...thus bringing failed friendships, failed relationshits,
misunderstandings along with an air of cynacisim in general.

My readings and my study seemed to bring me to a point and could go no further. Not unlike the Peter Principle, which I believe was recognized in the mid to late 60's. The "Peter Principle" simply stated, as I understand it, is simply that we each will reach our own level of incompetence and we as individuals can go no further. Or at least untill something new is learned, percieved, or expeirianced that will allow our level of incometence to increase. And so we (as individuals) can evolve a wee bit more than which we had previously been unable to do.

Although I gained much from my readings, along with my searching. Something still seemd unresolved. A seething cauldron of anger, resentment, contempt, and absolute hatred for that which happened some 30+ years ago. Granted, I spoke with physicians, psycologists, psychiatrists, respected elders of various native american cultures and anyone else who I thought would be able to listen, maybe understand and possibly have a key to fit the lock to the many guestions. Yes, that key was heavily sought for, like the Holy Grail by the Knights of Templar. Yet in my quest I found only visions and hints of relief...certainly nothing resembling actual relief...a healing.

 A recent book, read this year (forget the name off the top of my head...after all it is 5am and the cafffine has yet to cross the blood brain barier.)

The author of the book was Chinese and the subject of the book was the Dali Lama. For 15-20 years he had followed the Dali Lama, in between assignments. He had gained an audiece several times with the Dali Lama, and this book was the essence of his experiance with the time actually spent with the Dali Lama over that extended amount of time.

What made the book so intriquing was the author, a Chinese befriended by the Dali Lama. Briefly, The Dali Lama, secular leader of the Tibetian country as well as spiritual leader of the culture and presided of the teachings of thousands of Tibetan monks. The Dali Lama left Tibet in the night, in disguise in an effort to avoid capture or worse frpm the Chinese occupation of his native Tibet. This is fairly recent history, simple to research and easily Googled.

The author repeatedly explained his discomfort as a Chinese, a biological nemisis to Tibetian country men. The Dali Lama accepted him without hesitation at his residence in Dharamsala, Himachal Pradesh, India. As the Dalli Lama now lives in exile because of the Communist Chinese occupation of Tiebet. It doesnt take alot of research to find the atrocities endured by 10's of thousands of monks descimated at the end of a rifle butts, to see the hundreds of Buddhist Temples destroyed by the Chinese along with manuscripts, sacred texts, thousands of years of art and culture swept away in record time.

Fact was, botom line was...the Dali Lama not only accepted the author as a reporter, as a chinese reporter, as a chinese...but as a person without reservation. I thought this was astounding! The ability to forgive this reporter, this Chinese reporter with out any hesitancy. He was welcomed by not only the Dali Lama, but by his security guards, the folks who worked around the compound, all the way to the kitchen staff.

The atrocities endured by the Tibetian people exceeds the scope of this post...although it is free knowledge....just do a lil Googleing.

What struck me...profoundly...was the Dali Lama's absolute forgiveness and compassion he had, and continues to have for the Chinese peoples.

Fast forwarding to recent events. I was called to a Southern Vietmanese (sp) womans house because she heard sounds in her attic. I chase rats and other fur bearin vermin out of peoples homes and secure the home from future occupation. The woman, in her mid 60's....maybe 70's was hysterical. I did my job. I followed up three more times to check traps. The first time I drove infront of her home I found a Red Tailed Hawk siting on the appex of her roof. Elders from the Lakota people who winter here once told me when birds of prey are present, this is a good omen. As I mentioned, I did my job to the best of my ability and knowledge. Each of the three follow up visits, to check traps etc...I found squirels frantically running about the roof of the house. I followed them around and around the house. Consistantly the squirrels went to the areas that I had effectively sealed. The woman had the trees cut back from her home and the squrriels were in a pickle...They couldn't scamper into th attic of the home as they normaly did to seek refuge. And the trees they used as a land bridge to gain access to the roof were beyond a simple run and jump escape. But they ultimately made the jump into the trees, not gracefully, but successfully.

The woman, in broken english was elated, she had been able to sleep. She could sit quietly in her home without hearing the scampering of the little feet running thru her attic. She slept comfortably for first time in weeks. She invited me in for tea. With little knowledge of her customs, I felt obliged to accept, not wanting to offend. Once inside and seated, I noticed a simple photograph of the Buddha. One one occasion prior to thisshe asked that I be specific about the time I would be arriving, because she had to go to "temple". Seeing the photograph of the Buddha I asked about her temple and if it was a Buddhist Temple, to which she said , yes. With great enthusiasim and genuine kindness, she asked if I would like to visit her temple...In short I accepted.

Aside from the ascetic beauty of the Temple, I noticed how freely the children dropped thier shoes at the door of the temple and proceeded to run about the place, playfully and peacefully. My beloved, who attended Temple with me was in as much awe, and perhaps culture shock as I was. Three monks, in yellow/amber robes approached the main alter, which was laden with fresh cut flowers, fruit and a 20 foot gold replica of the Buddha. We were met shortly after passing thru the door by an american female Buddhist Monk....I didnt know females could become Monks, they call themselfs Nuns, or simply female Monks.

After the ceremony, which lasted about a half hour and consisted purely of chanting...which I couldnt understand...but found it soothing. After that ended, the female Monk, named Ann invited us to a Meditation Class for Americans...the Monk teaching the "class" was a Tibetian Monk, with remarkable mastery of the english language, in addition to that I noticed how quick he was to literally burst out into laughter, uncontrollable laughter...at his misuse of the english language and interestingly enough at his own mistakes and misunderstandings, misperceptions and the areas where his own anger still haunted him...but still he laughed like a toddler in a state of glee.After his brief talk and explaination of meditation, the meditation began, lasting about 15 minutes. At this point Ann, the female Monk explained there was ample time for questions, to which the Monk giggled and nodded his head in approval. One man in the class asked a simple question and the Monk replied in a no-nonsence manner. At this point, he giggled once more, looked me directly in the eye and pointed at me saying..."You, you I know have many questions, so begin"....Vaguely I recalled the memory of being "stood up", yet I didnt have the fear. I repiled to him that indeed I have many questions, but am unable to formulate them into words....In English, Tibetian, Pali or any other language. He was resistant to accepting my answer, which he aparently understood. I broke down and asked him a most superfiscial question regarding teachers/gurus of the past and how they compared to Buddist thought. I tried to articulate the questionto the best of my ability...again he giggled (gleefully) with warmth and compassion that I must admit I am not accustomed to. I was advised to approach the Monk with my questions and now I found myself in a situation where the Monk had taken an inexplicable interest in me. Apparently he understood that there was much more to be devulged. He asked that I give my questions, inquiries, time to cyrstalize and agreed to see me next week.

Now I come to you folks. Survivors of Straight Inc. What questions would you ask a Tibetian Monk, literally beaten out of his home land, his culture all but destroyed, his people thrown out of thier country. Yet has forgiven the Chinese, prays for them and has complete unbridled compassion for them. I have my own questions, for my own internal peace. But what I would like to do is to have a discussion with him about Straight Inc. explain the atrocities we experianced, the horror we endured....the long lingering effects of being incarcerated as youth. I hope to have the conversation video tapped so that it maybe sharred for all of us.

I don't pretend to say he has all the answers....never trust one who says they have all the answers. But I believe in my heart of hearts he has forgiven the Chinese, but still struggels to bring peace to the world and all that inhabit it. I have this hunch he has a few pointers they may indeed help heal areas of our heart and soul as it relates to Straight Inc.

Officially we have an appointment for wed. night. However, he is aproachable at any time, which is good....for this may take awhile.

So my question is...If you had a chance to sit with a Tibetian Monk...what questions would you ask? I will compose them as I will do my own...I have a good memory, just painfully short.The depth and wieght of this mans insight and compassion is pallbable...The simplicity of the responces are astounding...leaving my brain completely blank. With questions on paper, it is less likely that I neglect to ask pertinant questions.

I just wonder, if the Tibetian people and thier Monks can forgive the Chinese for thier atrocities and stil maintain peace with no ill will...Could it be possible....do we want it to be possible to forgive Straight Inc....and still fight the atrocities that continue to this day.

I know that peace is not only possible, but inevitable. Healing is the question!....is it possible?...is it inevitable?

My apologies for the length of this post....but much had to be said. And also for any mis-spellings, gramatical errors...please accept this post with intent inwhich it was written.

Much Healing
In Peace
woof

[Froderik]

So my question is...If you had a chance to sit with a Tibetian Monk...what questions would you ask?

Ask this: What do the oppressive Chinese and the founders of Straight Inc have in common (aside from the atrocities they committed)? What afflictive emotions lead them to do what they do? Fear?

[hurrikayne]

Wow, this is quite the opportunity for you.  I think if I had the opportunity to ask a question of a Tibetan monk, it would be something along the lines of, How does one achieve inner peace after all of the things we have suffered?

[Anonymous]

Woof, I love to read your writings. Monks have a knack for forgiving damn near anything. A monk would have a great perspective on how to deal with persecution and injustice. Just don't get bushwhacked into staying for a couple days, then that turns into a couple weeks, then years, then... well, lol, you get the picture. I'd like to see you keep writing and posting here in the next foreseeable future.

 Happy Holidays...

[starry-eyed pirate]

Being Chinese is just a condition.  If the Dalai Lama is worth his salt he knows this.

My readings and my study seemed to bring me to a point and could go no further. Not unlike the Peter Principle, which I believe was recognized in the mid to late 60's. The "Peter Principle" simply stated, as I understand it, is simply that we each will reach our own level of incompetence and we as individuals can go no further. Or at least untill something new is learned, percieved, or expeirianced that will allow our level of incometence to increase. And so we (as individuals) can evolve a wee bit more than which we had previously been unable to do.

What ??  :rofl: ...Maybe you mean competence.."...level of competence to increase."  

..."You, you I know have many questions, so begin"....

 :rofl: That obvious huh ??  :roflmao:

Peace Woof.  :peace:  :poison:

[Anonymous]

You should get off your ass and go fight them like Bradbury does.

Hell that ass use to work for them and got a pay-check from Sembler and feels terrible about it.

Quit being a sissy and go after them like he has, Smith Mr.

[Woof-a-Doof]

You should get off your ass and go fight them like Bradbury does.

Hell that ass use to work for them and got a pay-check from Sembler and feels terrible about it.

Quit being a sissy and go after them like he has, Smith Mr.

Well. I am not sure this responce was intended for this thread, or not. If indeed the responce is for this thread and targeted at me, please allow me to respond.

I have done alll but bring lawsuits. My focus has been the wrongful incarceration of children and teenagers in the warehouses of Straight Inc. of the past and currrent abusive facilities of today. My focus has been the suffering  endured by myself, scores of others and for thse that suffer now. I have been to the protests, I have carried signs, I have screamed at the top of my lungs at gatherings held to honor Mel Sembler. Ask Richards brothers, I was there, I even spoke with Richard briefly on a cell phone because he had a restraining order and was unable to atend.

No disrespect for Rchard, I know nothing, nor do I wish to trivialize his efforts in regard to the lawsuit....how/when it started...the conditions under which it all came to the brainstorm of a "Penis Pump" somehow connected to Mel Sembler. That is Richard's way of a fight for justice. I would not in anyway take that away from him. He has my blessings and may all that he has gained in his efforts not be lost.

Sugessting that "getting off my ass and go fight them like Bradbury does" is simply not my style. For four years or so since I have been a member of this board, I have yet to see that his fight has brought about any significant changes or for that  matter, insignificant changes. This is not to say that Richards fight has not brought embarassment to Mel Sembler and his family. Simple embarassment is not effective to elitist such as the Mel & Betty Semblers of this world....it is synominious with putting people thru fear/torture/abuse to get them to stop using drugs. For those of us that did do drugs (miniscule amounts) it certainly did not work. Sembler has been attacked by bigger, heavier, economic situations...much more
difficult dealings than a "Penis Pump". Of course I do not wish to imply that Richards fight is strictly surounding the "Penis Pump", for what I know of Richard (which is little) he also suffered, back in the day in group, on staff and afterwards. And the "Penis Pump" perhaps was his weapon of choice...perhaps the only one he had....again, I do not profess to know.

In regards to "getting of my ass and go fight". Ready, willing, and able....but I would rather use any other word but "fight". One of the greatest minds of our time, Albert Einstien said, and I believe correctly, "We can not simultaniously prepair for war and peace at the same time." The effort is incongruious (sp), rather simply, like mixing gasoline to extinquish fire. "Fight" is not a word I would use. 'Expose', 'Educate', 'Reveal', are words I would employ. Show the American people, the peoples of the World what was done, what continues to be done. Expose the sufferring of the children warehoused. Educate the people of the lingering efffects of such tragedies ie: confrontational theraphies, sleep deprivation, sensory deprivation, humiliation, withholding of food and water, the beatings, the horor of it all and how it effects a child well into his or her 30's and for myself mid 40's...over 3 decades after the fact.

Again, lets review this buisiness about "getting off my ass". Agreed! 20 years ago, when I was younger, I would have risen to the "call for arms" mentality. 15 years ago, I would have invested hours of my time and what resources I had to circumvent the atrocities we endured. 10 years ago, I operated under the "out of sight, out of mind, out of memory" mentality...which is an apathetic approach to the, dare I say, the "Drug War Holocaust'. 5 years ago I was soon to join this board, as memories long swept under the carpet began to surface, I again felt the need to do something..."fight" is a word that quickly came to mind. However, over time here on this board and time spent in reflection, the word "fight" lost it's
importance. Not saying something shouldn't be done. What I am saying is that "Healing" need to take precidense (sp) for us as individuals and collectively as a group of survivors. Granted, it is easier to "fight"....certainly we were trained for that. Problem being, we tend to (because of what we were indoctrinated to do) fight amoungst ourselves. Gaining us nothing.

I prayed, sat in quiet reflection on what actions to take, what actions would be most productive, effective. Finally, I believe I have come up with a plan. Simply, engage in Peace. Peacefully expose what happened, peacefully expose those who orchestrated the inhumane treatment of children and teenagers. Peacefully expose those who allowed it to happen. Peacefully expose the agencies that looked the other way.

I persoanlly believe there is a need for treatment for aloholisim, drug addiction...obviously there is a need to treat truely troubled souls, to deny this is just as inhumane as what we endured. Yet the continuation, and blatant distain for such individuals as sub-human, secondary class citizens, marginalized peoples is grossly, inheriantly wrong.

And so, I am "of my ass" in a peacefull direction, one that undoubtably is difficult for many to understand....because of the hostility, the anger, the rage, the mistrust, the nightmares and the absolute hatred we all have harbored and or continue to harbor. Confronting this madness in a logical, rational, peacefull manner is no job for "a sissy". If I am viewed or if my efforts are viewed as being "sissy" like...well then, so be it. I can not change your view of my efforts. And simply put, your thoughts about me are clearly none of my buisiness as I have greater concerns. You  can join me or sit back and watch, that choice is yours and yours alone. I harbor no anomosity towards you, and frankly, I understand what you say, because at one time it made perfect sense. But that mind set, in the past three decades has produced little, if any effect at all. I am simply
purposing a different approach. I make no claim that it will work. The peacefull approach is something that has not been tried in our situation that I am aware of. However, it worked for the Civil Rights movement....Mother Teresa was able to achieve monumental feats with a peacefull approach. Mahatma Gandi of India led an entire revolution that ultimately expelled the British from India, without firing a single shot.

So, for an update: I had lunch with Tashi, the Tibetian Monk whom I mentioned at the beginning of this thread. He had asked my lineage (who my teacher was, who her teacher was and who his teacher was) I provided him with 8 pages of information and a video of my teacher giving lecture. At the end of my 8 page report I informed him of my suffering as a child/teenager. I informed him of the suffering that we all endured. I showed him how the abusive nature of our incarceration still effects us to this day, in it's many different forms. I informed him that I am not alone in my suffering.
I explained there were thousands of us that endured exactly what I endured and much much worse. I made no attempt to exagerate, simply the truth. I also explained that these practices of Straight Inc. still continue thru out our country and more and more continue to suffer more than they had already.

He simply brushed aside the prepaired lineage I had brought to him. Clearly he was much more interested in the suffering we all experianced. He began to weep as I explained we had recieved bone breaking sobriety and that we were taught to Love thru Fear and Intimidation. He regained composure and said he would review what I had written about my lineage and also watch the video I presented to him. He then added that he wanted to know more of the suffering and that we would discuss it more on this upcoming wed. night.

It seems obvious to me, that I have gained this humble Tibetian Monks attention. He was visably shaken and disturbed. I wont pretend to predict the future of our discussions or what, if any action be taken. Not to be misunderstood, I have my dreams...say of taking Tashi to Miller Newtons church by the sea and seek an audiance with him to discuss the abuse and suffering. Or of the many survivors in the St.Pete area gathering with me to further and perhaps more clearly explain that which we went thru, along with the absolute certainty that the abuse/suffering continues today.

I seek Tashi's council not only for my own benifit, but also in the hopes that others may benifit as well. As Tashi explained to me, "my english is not to well" and I explained that my Tibetian had much to be desired....however, I speak from the heart and will draws pictures if I have to in the hope he fully understands our plight.

The ball is rolling, motion has been set...I need your questions...Forward me the URL's to experiances, other than my own, that took place in the warehouses of Straight Inc. so that he may get a full picture of the hell we went thru. I will ask Tashi if he will grant an audiance with survivors in the St.Pete area, or those willing to travel. If Tashi is willing, I will report and make arraingements to meet with him.

Much Healing
In Peace
woof

[Anonymous]

You should get off your ass and go fight them like Bradbury does.

Hell that ass use to work for them and got a pay-check from Sembler and feels terrible about it.

Quit being a sissy and go after them like he has, Smith Mr.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart.

[Woof-a-Doof]

For those that have followed this thread, I am meeting with Tashi, the Tiebetan Monk, tonight. If given the opportunity i will ring the bell for us survivors. I will assimilate what questions have been asked thus far and if, as I said I will ring the bell, speak with him about these questions. I will also ask if he is willing to meet with any Tampabay survivors. One person telling our story is strong. A bunch of us telling our story is compelling! It will cerainly be interesting to see what unfolds, tonight and in the future.

Om Shanti
woof

[Botched Programming]

For years, well over a decade to be safe, I have read most if not all spiritual teachings. My reasoning is this; if no human (other than you foks) can understand the horror I went thru, I must find some sort of internal answer. For too many decades have gone by and I continue to suffer in one way, shape, form or another. Whether it be internaly, with family, with loved ones, with friends, even employment...the suffering I experianced, and still experience continues internaly and manafests itself outside in dealing with other people. It is as if the "suffering" is not content to effect me as an individual. It seems to affect my perceptions of others, my sublime mistrust of humanity...thus bringing failed friendships, failed relationshits,
misunderstandings along with an air of cynacisim in general.

Wow Woof my brother... Your words were like a knife that penetrated the depths of my inner being, because I suffer from the same "insanity" in my life. Before I became a casualty of Mel's quest for a dollar bill, I was a fairly happy person that had the ability to form intimate trusting relationships with the people that were in my life.

During my stint in the mind reprogramming experiment that went horribly wrong, I lost a part of who I was. I too have studied different philosophies in an attempt to repair the "Botched Progrogramming" that was done in my head.

Take the friendship aspect.. I have people I work with and do other activities with such as fishing, however when it comes down having someone to talk to that I can trust, I have none as I keep them an arm length out so they don't get too close. This is some of the conditioning that Straight ingrained in us. In the back of my mind I remember the confrontations that were brought forth in group that forced us to throw pearls before swine. So I became programmed to hold shit in and suppress it.

When it came to relationships... This is the area of my life that I feel that I have been damaged the most. During the course of our phases we were not allowed to have guy / girl relationships and would get shredded in group if we would look at someone of the opposite sex. I was 18 when I got put in and yes I wanted to do the things that other teens my own age got to do, date, have the high school sweetheart, and naturally have sex. These are not unhealthy desires, they are human. Straight ingrained in my mind that I was a piece of shit, unworthy, and no good woman would want me. So with the fractured self esteem / self worth, I have never been able to commit to a woman to the extent that I can trust. Fear and failure has become my life. I'm in my mid 40's now and still have not undone the "Botched Programming" that was done and it's been decades. It's screwed up that 2 years of programming is ingrained so deep that it has yet to be undone after this amount of time.

Relationships with family... Well, after Straight I lost the bond with my family. I was many miles away from my home when I was in Straight and had no or minimal communication with my family. I felt abandoned. After I came back home physically I did not return mentally. My feelings of home being a loving safe and my family being my safety net had been changed. While growing up I was close with my family, Sunday dinners, and conversations during dinner. After Straight severed the tether that held me to my family I became a Nomad. Where ever I hung my hat was home. A good example is my living situation now. I have been in South Florida for about 11 years now which is over 750 miles from my family. I force myself to call my family 1 month just to check in and let them know I am alive.

Today is Christmas Eve and I am more than likely going to spend it alone like I have done numerous times before with the exception of a few interruptions due to short term relationships that all ended.

At this point I am going to close this by wishing everyone of us survivors the things I wish for myself, the ability to love and be loved, the ability to trust with child like faith, the emotional wounds of the past to heal, and find the inner peace that makes us alright with the world.

Merry Christmas, Happy hannuka, Joyous Quanza, Merry Yule Solstice

"Botched Programming"

[Woof-a-Doof]

Botched Programming---Isn’t that the point?  Wasn’t it all botched up?  Isn’t to this day still all botched up? But as the moniker suggests, “Programming”. We were all subjected to this “Programming”. For some the “Programming” took, for whatever reason. For others the brainwashing did not take 100%. For those that 100% took, there is no doubt that the best thing in their life was, Straight Inc. and they are out there. The rest of us, well, were “botched”. The brainwashing that took place was (I believe) relevant to the degree we were compliant and actually absorbed the indoctrination. These percentages seem to vary from individual to individual. Myself, I estimate 30% brainwashed and 70% un-effected. The suffering, (which this is all about) stems from the 70% unaffected aspect at internal war with the 30% brainwashed portion of my brain. It’s important to note that I would like to think differently. Yet this seems to be the reality.

Perhaps the suffering doesn’t stem from those exact numbers (or for the reason I gave), as there are contributing factors.

There are so many of us that suffer and continue to suffer. And there are those also who suffer on front row somewhere. And they are the next generation of sufferers. Suffering at the hands of those that teach; Love thru Fear and Intimidation all under the guise of Caring.  (There is something clearly wrong with this line of thinking)

I assume my words affected you in the manner they did because we are similar. We suffer similarly and we have a paralleled history from the sufferings genesis. It seems cliché to say truly you are not alone. Yet our bond is our suffering. Your wish for us is the same wish I have for you. For what measure of “sanity” or Peace you have found, I wish they are not lost.

For an update with Tashi:

I only saw him briefly after a “talk”. He giggled and pointed at me, as he did the first time…”You…Only one question.”. I was taken back and thought of the Louie Anderson routine….”You go home…cook sick.”, “You go home fat boy” and “You eat toooo much”. He waited patently for me to respond…and ultimately I did. After his 10-12 minute answer, he rang a bell, bowed and quickly exited the room. I thought it odd and mentioned it to someone who explained that it was “their” nature to give a talk and promptly leave…however, they are immediately available. I did not pursue him.

Not that I didn’t have questions … the list is building daily. But I had a gut reaction to follow my beloved to the car. (always good to follow those kinda gut reactions) I plan to meet with him next week as the workload simmers a bit. Still…am anxious to see what unfolds.

Much Healing
In Peace
woof