A piece like this, which is highly personal, I would not want to do much to, for fear of altering "the voice." I changed very few actual words, save spelling or occasional common usage errors (e.g., "finely" for "finally"), but in a few cases I did rearrange a phrase to make things clearer. I did end up putting in a healthy sprinkling of "that's" — which may well be my bias — so...best to have her check whether she is in agreement with those.
I kept her asides, the should-have-known's, in brackets as separate paragraphs. It helps to break up the length of this very long piece, and also serves to emphasize them as a separate type of thought. There were some consistency issues with some of the brackets being parentheses, and punctuation omissions...hopefully I worked those out appropriately.
As previous, most changes are in red. Some I did not bother noting, e.g., the punctuation rule about end-quotes being outside of the period or comma. Also, book titles should rightfully be italicized; I didn't bother to note those in red either.
Some additional comments on my part:
- I indented the "letter to upper level parents." This may or may not be what she wants. I am also not sure whether I picked the right place to end the indent (say that fast five times).
- I wonder whether the word Discovery should be all caps or bolded to distinguish this nemesis from ordinary usage of the word. It is probably not necessary. Just thought I'd mention it.
- Should letter be "signed?" E.g, "A Parent" at the very end...
—•?|•?•0•?•|?•— —•?|•?•0•?•|?•— —•?|•?•0•?•|?•—
To the program parents out there, or those considering a "Specialty Boarding School" placement, let me say, I have had first hand experience with
one of these program
s. I do know what I am talking about.
I don't want to go into a lot of detail about our family situation. I will say though, that our situation was fairly typical. I made the same decision you did (or that
you're considering) probably for many of the same reasons, and with the same hopes. I want to tell you a bit of my story and explain some of what I have learned.
Something that got my attention pretty early on and hoisted some red flags, was the reaction of the
people on the BBS when concerns about the program were raised. I saw that it was widely accepted that none of what the kids wrote home about was true. Anything that wasn't positive about their experience; anything that might cause a parent concern about the quality of the education, or sanitation, or meals, or abuse that was reported, was dismissed as lying
and manipulation.
I noticed that often students had written home about the same disturbing treatment. This was explained away as conspiracy. They sit and conspire. They think up tales that will push the parental buttons hoping to be pulled. The parents must stand firm. They must respond with the simple statement that the kid should quit manipulating and work their program. Or, it was commonly advised to not write back at all. It was commonly advised to send the kid a post card, as if the family was off on vacation, telling the kid how much fun they were having
without them. This was supposed to make the kid stop manipulating and get to work on their program.
[In reality, I now believe this was intended to increase the
teens' feelings of abandonment, helplessness and despair, so as to help create the psychological conditions required for "behavior modification
," i.e.
, brainwashing
.]
It occurred to me
that it was impossible for kids in facilities scattered across the country, and indeed the world, to conspire. Yet, they were telling similar stories. This was also dismissed as simply being a shared common knowledge; all kids know their parents will be upset if they complain about being hungry, or filthy living conditions, or violence and so on. I had my doubts. I found the consistency worrisome. But in truth, it seemed impossible that such stories could be true. I believed, just as do so many others, that if
these stories were true, the programs would be shut down.
[To my great shock, anger and frustration, I later learned how ignorant and incorrect this thinking is.]
A related concern was the realization that with the parents so willing to ignore the pleading and complaints of their children
, their children had no one at all they could report abuse to;
no one who would believe them and investigate. I was amazed
that no one seemed concerned about this. They all insisted
that you simply had to trust the program. But
, I would ask them, haven't you ever been lied to by someone you trusted
? How can you just trust them? Get to Discovery and you'll see, was the reply.
[Discovery was the title of the first of the seminars at the time.]
I noticed that anyone posting with a gripe or concern, no matter how legitimate, was shouted down by the majority of posters. They would use mocking terms for them — calling them BMW's (Bitchen' Moaning Whiners) or suggesting they need to step left; occasionally telling them
that if they couldn't be supportive, then they needed to just pull their child and let them go to jail or die (
the inevitable consequence of pulling a "Half-Baked" teen)
. They would suggest that the parent’s complaints were non
-supporting, and that the kid would pick up on this and
that this would feed the kid's manipulation attempts
...which might affect their kid's attitude and hold their child back. So, it was very important
that everyone be totally supportive of the program.
Another common defense often used to deflect a parent's nagging doubts went something like this: What do you care if he is hungry / frightened / anxious / depressed... He got himself there. You work your program. Let him work his program. He'll work his program when he gets tired of manipulating; when he sees that it won't work. Just trust the program.
Those who had left the program amid complaints of fraud and abuse
were dismissed as Chattering Pigs. "They're just chattering pigs" or, "Why are you listening to the chattering pigs?" was a common refrain if something they said was brought up on the board.
[I now know that the use of jargon and catch phrases to dismiss critics as ignorant, irrelevant, unenlightened and not worthy is called Loaded Language. This helps the group member maintain a pleasant sense of superiority and belonging; as well as being a handy way to easily keep critics viewed in a negative light, not worth
y of notice
.]
The friendlier folks would try to sooth worried parents
' concerns and tell them to trust the program - and to get to Discovery as fast as they could. Once they got to Discovery, all would be well. They would understand then, why it was so important to trust the program, and
to not feed the kids' attempts to manipulate. They were assured their life would be changed. This was a great promise. This change was lauded as "wonderful."
But I wondered
...what if you
already like your life? What if you are basically satisfied and happy? What if you don't believe you are responsible for your teen's poor life choices? What if you don't want to change your thinking and values? This was seen as being stuck in your head (or trapped in your box)
— a very bad thing to be.
I found the blind faith of the seminar attendees alarming. That blind faith, coupled with the near fanatical devotion to the Program, seemed disturbingly cult
-like. This chant to 'Trust the Program' in answer to any expressed concern, brought to mind
George Orwell's
Animal Farm. The lack of any real debate, the sameness found in the thinking of the group, the hostility toward any expression of independent thought, brought to mind other examples of "brainwashing" in movies and literature and cult history. It was kind of creepy.
[Another use of loaded language is to re-enforce the teachings of the group, as in: "Four legs good
; two legs bad" repeated in response to any troubling question
, effectively halting all debate
.]
I was told repeatedly that there was no right or wrong — only what works (
another common chant)
. This is the essence of values clarification thought reform, and is contrary to my faith and personal belief. I was greatly alarmed to think this was what they were drumming into my son's head.
Something else I noticed that seriously troubled me was how the program seemed to create an adversarial attitude in the parents toward their kids. It seemed like the longer a parent was involved with the program (the more involved they were with the seminars and support groups and so on)
, the more likely it was that they developed a very cold and callous attitude toward their child. You could easily see the changing attitude in their writing before and after the seminars. At times this coldness was truly chilling. The change in these people was chilling. And yet they seemed to think they were becoming better people. It was disturbing.
Despite these nagging concerns, that fear they instill of certain death or jail
for your child had gotten under my skin. I was beginning to think this was a mistake
, but I was also very afraid to pull my son for fear
that he would end up dead or in jail, and it would
then be my fault for not giving the program enough time
, my fault for being so paranoid and "stuck in my head." I was at this point afraid of the program (which a clear head would tell you is a very bad sign all by itself)
, but I was also afraid to leave it (a classic cult member's dilemma)
. So, I registered for Discovery.
When I got the rules for the Seminar, I realized exactly what it was. This was a Large Group Awareness Training event — not an educational seminar. I had long been aware of the controversy surrounding this kind of training; I had heard and read much about the dangers, and knew something of the history.
I would strongly encourage you to educate yourself as to what
an LGAT is. Not all change is good. Change for change's sake
alone, is not such a good thing. Sometimes, change is very bad indeed. And sometimes, when under the influence of powerful psychological manipulation, a person is not able to tell the difference. Worse yet, sometimes, a person finds the stress involved in making such a rapid change to life
-long values and beliefs to
o great, and they break down.
Of co
urse,
in an LGAT, all
participants are *intended* to be broken down, then built back
up, with whatever the facilitator wants to put in there. (In there, being your self.) The idea being, they will help you abandon the "junk" holding you back and build you back better than before. The intent is to change you in fundamental ways that will free you to be many wonderful things.
In
an LGAT,
everyone gets broken down. But sadly, not everyone can be put back together without a lot of cracks showing. Also
, occasionally, a person who seems to have come through it OK — who seems to have benefited — will
, after a time, begin to fall apart and show the symptoms we now recognize as Post Traumatic Stress. Some poor souls have psychotic breaks. Mind
-breaking is in fact a dangerous process which can be devastating to the integrity of a person's self.
If you would like to learn more about this, read:
Cults in Our Midst, by Margaret Singer. The entire book is of great value but I'd suggest paying special attention to the chapter on LifeSpring. You can get used copies very reasonably on Amazon and most any library will have a copy.
So, anyway — as a consequence of my coming to realize "the Program" was teaching a life values philosophy that was opposed to our family's
, and that they were using what I believe to be psychologically abusive methods of thought reform to do so — I pulled my son.
Amazingly, it still wasn't easy. Even with all my concern about the deceptive practices, and what I felt was an assault on the minds of the parents and students — I was afraid to pull him. They had gotten their hooks in me, and I was afraid to leave. But I was
finally more afraid not to.
At this point, I wanted no part of it; I wanted out, but I had no desire to rock anyone's boat. I was concerned — but I wouldn't have dreamed the problems were as serious as I later learned they are — and frankly, I would not have thought the reality possible, had I not been slammed with so much evidence.
I don't want to go to much into the situation with my son. I will say he was glad to be away from the program; but there was no great spilling out of information. The stories he told were mostly funny and mostly he talked about his friends. He had lost a good deal of weight off his already lean frame, adding credence to his constant complaint of always being hungry. Also, I noticed
that he was wolfing
down his food and declaring it great, when it was in fact not very good.
I was still on the BBS, even though this was against the rules. As long as I was "supportive," which in my case meant trying to remain neutral, I could stay on. I wanted to, simply because I had come to think of many of the other parents as friends — and I didn't want to be cut off from the group, as a parent usually is, when they exit the program. I promised not to talk about removing my son — so I was allowed to stay on. I have wondered why this was allowed. Perhaps they felt it was better not to have people question why I wasn't there
, as long as I didn't go negative on them.
[I realize now, that this desire not to be cut off from a group one has bonded with, is a powerful influence keeping the group members well in line, and reluctant to break from the group thinking, by doubting or criticizing the program, or the cult leader.]
One day, a program graduate (at the time, program grads were also allowed on the general BBS board) posted a list of links to forums about the program, which had a lot of accounts written by ex-students. I did a quick copy & paste so I could look at them later. I knew the BBS would yank that post, which they did in a matter of minutes. I just happen
ed to be on in that short space of time the post was up.
The accounts I began reading were hair
-raising. I was shocked. These kids were out. They had no need to manipulate anyone with tall tales of abuse and neglect; and yet here were dozens and dozens of accounts, all remarkably similar in the treatment they described, telling very disturbing stories about their program experience, from many different facilities associated with the Program. This simply couldn't be dismissed.
I eventually ran across court transcripts containing sworn testimony in a case where a family member was trying to get a child removed from a program facility
, and what these kids testified to was deeply disturbing. It supported much that the internet forum kids had related, with very similar accounts of filthy conditions, brutal abuse (physical and mental)
, forced and extreme exercise, very poor quality diet, and never enough
food.
I felt that the shear number of these accounts, combined with their consistency, was a powerful indication of their truth. But I foolishly told myself
that none of this seriously alarming stuff applied to my son's particular program. It wasn't mentioned. I still didn't realize they are all just exactly the same.
Shortly after this, I had a conversation with another ex-program parent. She was talking about the physical abuse that is so common. She asked me about beatings; had my son reported seeing anyone beaten up. No
, he hadn't (and surely he would have told me)
, but it nagged at me. That night
, I asked him
if he had ever seen anyone beat up? The answer was yes, he had. He explained he didn't often actually witness it, but that he did often see his friends showing evidence afterward
s, and
that he also often heard the kids screaming in pain begging for the staff to stop. I should perhaps explain, that while there were kids who got beaten badly by staff, most of this screaming in pain was a result of restraint, program style; a very painful and very common event often described by ex-students. Why didn't you tell me? I asked. He replied: "I thought you knew."
[The point here being, if you don't ask you'll not be told; they
will think you know and approve
of it
.]
When I asked why he thought there were no accounts about these conditions at his program, when there were for so many others, he pointed out that his program had been a new one; there hadn't been time enough for kids to get out and start talking in any numbers yet. I felt like such a fool. That had never occurred to me.
It was about this time
that I got myself evicted from the BBS
, and was
hence cut off from all contact with the Program faithful.
Since then, I have been an outspoken critic of "the Program." Consequently, I have spoken to, or exchanged email with
, countless program students and their parents. Some are pro,
but others
are like myself, outraged that this has ever taken place
, and worse, has been allowed to continue.
I have learned a great deal over the past few years that has been shocking to me. This industry has a long history — going back directly to the now notorious Synanon. All these "behavior modification" programs are built on a Synanon model. The harm this does has been well documented. Yet, it continues. There are many reasons why. Money and influence in economically depressed regions is a major factor. Divorce, remarriage
, and the fragmentation of the family is another. Zero tolerance policies are another. Drug war propaganda, keeping parents terrified beyond reason, is yet another.
I am not saying there is no reason to be concerned when a child is doing drugs, but I am saying, those who profit from these programs have a lot of political influence. They keep parental fears fanned to a fever
ed pitch that is far beyond the reality.
For you upper level parents:
You say your kid likes it "now?" What about at first? The upper level kids have great advantages and power over the lower level kids. They often quite enjoy this, after so many months of being victimized by the upper levels that came before them. It
's on the lower levels, that they are not allowed to talk, or
to look up at the sky, or out of a window. It
's on the lower levels, that they are frequently put into torturous restraint for breaking any of the many inane rules. It
's on the lower levels, that they are fed so little, and so often placed in the horrible discomfort of stress positions.
Once they make it to the upper levels, except for the dread of being dropped back into hell, they may find aspects of the experience gratifying. Often they are extremely reluctant to leave friends behind.
Also
, of co
urse, it is possible
that they dread and fear the exit plan. If you are holding the exit plan over their head
, you can't expect anything like the truth from them. If they are typical, they will tell you exactly what you want to hear and bide their time until they are out from under the threat of the exit plan, or
, if they're home, the guarantee.
There is something I sometimes suggest to parents who doubt
that it
's possible their child has been treated in any abusive or negligent manner by their program. When you see your child, or if they are home, print out a few of the accounts available on the internet. You can find some in "
The Tranquility Bay
Report" ISAC
has put together (
http://www.isaccorp.org). Give them to your son or daughter. Give them a highlighter. Have them highlight anything that they witnessed or experienced. But first (and this is extremely important!) — promise them that they will not be penalized or given any consequences for doing this. This is an exercise in truth, and between you and them and no one else.
You see, if they have spent any amount of time in the program, they know that complaints are viewed as manipulation and result in very unpleasant "consequences." Even with heartfelt assurance
s of confidentiality, they may not trust you (they may never trust you again)
, but you can try.
If your son or daughter is on — or goes back to — the drugs and so on, please don't fall into to
o deep a despair. They inevitably grow up. It can take a painfully long time
, but they do seem to nearly always eventually pull it together — program or not.
In fact, in all honesty, after talking with dozens of post
-program kids, I can tell you a program experience only delays this process. They invariably go further into the depths of whatever they were into before, once they are free of the program or the threat thereof. They seem determined to prove
that they belong to themselves and to make up for lost party time. Also
, perhaps, they are self medicating. Believe me when I tell you, the ends do not justify the means, besides which, the ends in this case are by no means positive. If you place your kid in a "Specialty Boarding School" or "Boot Camp" you will not get yourself a drug free kid
, you will get a drug
-abusing kid with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
What to do? Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. If drug and alcohol abuse is the main concern, get a copy of:
Recovery Options, by Joseph Volpicelli and Maia Szalavitz. It is extremely helpful and full of hope.
And please read:
Help at Any Cost, by Maia Szalavitz. It explains the Troubled Teen Industry, with clarity and compassion, and a great deal of well documented research. In the final chapter
, the author explains how to evaluate the actual need for intervention, and how to obtain legitimate help if needed.
And you really should educate yourself with regard to cults and thought reform. I do hope you will read
Cults in Our Midst. There are numerous other volumes on the subject, and probably many well worth reading
, but
Cults in Our Midst is a classic
which covers the issue in an easy to read and understandable manner.
Fin
ally, if you’re a believer — pray. I honestly do believe a parent's prayers do more good than all the drug therapies in the world combined.[/list]
I realize this is long and a bit rambling. I
've tried to hit the points I think most important. If you think me some sort of "chattering pig" and want to dismiss it all as hogwash — well, I regret that — but this is my firmly held opinion, based on my personal experience. I hope
that it is helpful.
