Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Daytop Village

DAYTOP Did Me Great Harm in the Long Run

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Inculcated:

--- Quote from: "SEKTO" ---The Daytop Philosophy, recited like a prayer or mantra every morning before Morning Meeting, programmed us to be group-dependent, taught us groupthink  right away.  Here it is:

                                          I am here because there is no refuge.
                                          Finally, from myself.
                                          Until I confront myself in the eyes
                                          and hearts of others, I am running.
                                          Until I suffer them to share my secrets,
                                          I have no safety from them.
                                         Afraid to be known, I can know
                                          neither myself nor any other, I will be alone.
Where else but in our common ground,
can I find such a mirror?
Here, together, I can at last appear
clearly to myself not as the giant
of my dreams nor the dwarf of my fears,
but as a person, part of a whole,
with my share in its purpose.
In this ground, I can take root and grow,
Not alone anymore as in death,
But alive to myself and to others.

--- End quote ---
I estimate that I intoned a minimum Seven-Hundred recitations of Beauvais’ philosophy. This inspired my own hermeneutical version.

Because there is no refuge here,

I confront my eyes; I am suffered to share my secrets.
                           And the eyes and hearts of others, I have no safety from them.

Taught to be afraid and told to be known
though by neither myself nor any other, I will be alone.

Common in this ground.

Where else but here in this mirror do I appear this way,
 
As if a person, part of a whole,
with myself share in its purpose,
is to others alive?

My fears, in this ground, take root and grow.
Not as of my dreams nor of my death
Not of this life, but of myself I alone lose to these others

Daytop Philosophy modified-Inculcated

SEKTO:
SEKTO has become unstuck in time...

Finally I am caught up on my studies and have the time to do some writing.  Hi there everybody; I trust all of you are well.  It's been quite a while since I posted here.  Tonight I'd like to share some news with all of you: I moved out of the place where I was about six weeks ago, having finished up there.  These days I am living alone in a small apartment, and am a full-time student at a local university.  I live off of the GI Bill.  My grades are very decent, and things are coming along nicely.  I am at last moving on with my life.

I'd like to briefly say that going through the cult-recovery center that I was a part of was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.  DAYTOP did me great harm in the long run, but I've discovered a lot about myself on the road back.  The time I spent there was hugely beneficial toward my recovery, and overall healing.  I learned a lot about a lot of things there, a lot about myself.  Particularly that I do not have to lose myself to a group in order to feel like a whole individual.

To be sure, it was also one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  Going through that process of remembrance and  mourning, and beginning the healing process towards my eventual re-integration was a lot of work and was quite painful at times.The two most important things that I learned a MH, were these:

1) I was assessed as a non-neurotypical person; in other words, I figured out that I am not crazy, I am autistic, and my therapists helped me to work through the sense of grieving and loss, and instilled in me the beginnings of a sense of self-acceptance and renewed confidence.

2) In time, I came to see the seriously deleterious effect that DAYTOP had on me and my life, and how so much of the DAYTOP experience had been represeed in my psyche for so long.  

I have experienced that healing and recovery do not go hand-in-hand with abusive or coercive tactics.  I have enormous respect and gratitude for the lasting friendships, and for the mentors that I have found this last year.  I have come to understand myself.  That understanding includes being educated about my diagnoses, and how they apply to me, without reducing me to a set of labels.  They say that knowledge is power, and coming to understand my history and non-NT status has given me an understanding not of my limitations, but of my abilities and the potential I hold within myself.  Even though I was quite discouraged at times, I became motivated to work through my issues and have truly found very substantial healing.

With this momentum, I plan on continuing to move forward in a positive direction with my life.

One of my major challenges has been in the area of forgiving my family.  I will continue to address potential boundaries issues in relation to my family of origin (the very ones who put me into DAYTOP in the first place) until I achieve substantial self-confidence and perspective to maintain my separate identity, yet still show grace to them.  The intent is to help me to foster a greater sense of independence and self-esteem.

In general, I have begun to overcome some serious childhood disadvantages and trauma.  I have developed my inner strength and developed a deeper capacity to love others in spite of the severity of the abuse I suffered as a child.  I even have learned to use some of these experiences to enhance my personal growth and share with others.  Like all who are alive and living their lives, I am a work in progress.

In Inculcated's professional opinion, my prognosis is excellent.    :whip:

Also, I'd like to now publicly thank my very dear friend Inculcated, who helped me to get through some very tough times there.  We used to talk quite often (and still do).  Her presence in my life while I was still in MH was a major source of validation, encouragement, and support.  Inculcated, I am grateful to you, and grateful for you.  You helped me a lot, and continue to help me.  You company and support was and is a big contributor to my healing, and I hope to be able to contribute to yours as well.  Thank you for being my friend.  It means the world to me.  Thanks to fornits for that, and for so much more.

You know it's funny what a young man recollects?  'Cause I don't remember bein' born.  I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic.  But I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest voice in the wide world.  It was on the twenty-first of last May, a Thursday, at about four o'clock in the afternoon.  That was the first time that we ever spoke, Inculcated and I.  Inculcated always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them.

Inculcated:
SEKTO:
I’ll be brief. I am so impressed by the strength you’ve shown rising to meet what’s been required of you to have come so far.
The strengths you’ve developed and acquired in the time I have known you are inspiring. With these you will go farther still.

I’m also happy that beautiful unique spirit of yours not only abides, but now has learned to thrive.      :rose:

SEKTO:
A happy Gaudenzia to all!

In the last two weeks I have made contact with five old Daytopians who I knew back in the day, four males and a female.  The woman (I'll call her Lisa) found and contacted me via FB first.  We have not seen one another in over 15 years, she and I.  Through her friends list, I was able to find two others.  The other two guys I found independent of my contact with Lisa.  I'll tell you now what became of everyone:

1)  One old buddy was in a cult called the Holy Order of Mans out in S. California for seven years, but left about a year and a half ago.

http://www.rickross.com/groups/hom.html

Presently he is in the midst of a painful divorce from his wife of ten years (they were in the cult together), and battling with her over custody rights for their kids.  He owns and operates his own A/V business, and teaches A/V stuff at a local community college.  

The last time I saw him was at a Rainbow Gathering in '94, where he'd slashed his own throat and jumped into the fire during a drum circle, while in the grip of a bad trip on a large dose of magic mushrooms.  He and I have been talking on the phone a bit lately, and I am glad that he is relatively OK and working to rebuild his life.

This person was probated to DAYTOP Richardson and left voluntarily once his probation was up, at the age of 17.

2)  Another man (the one I have described here as Jeff) has been in the Navy for several years, is a corpman, and has been to Iraq twice.  He is married to a Japanese woman and has a couple of girls.  He and I found each other via FB (but have not spoken in person) and I know little of what has become of his life other than what I just described.  I am not sure if he graduated or not.

3)  The third fellow (this one is interesting to me and I'll call him Zane) is working as a hairdresser in a spa in Hawaii someplace, is an expert in the martial arts discipline called Jeet Kune Do, does Ultimate Fighting Championships, and spends his free time surfing, smoking weed, and otherwise partying.  He is tattooed from head to toe, and bleaches his hair.   He was in outreach and Pine Mountain too.  Graduated from Pine Mountain in '96.  This is the guy who I have written of before who we inherited from Straight once they closed down.  Nowadays he is a semi-professional Ultimate Fighting contender.  Talk about anger issues.

4)  The fourth old Richardson Daytopian is still living in Dallas and fought a hard-core heroin addiction for many years, I mean twelve years or so.  However, me tells me that he has been clean since February of '08.  Now he "only" drinks and smokes pot, and lives off off SSI and Medicaid.  Did not graduate, and never was sober, even when in the program.  This guy I have known for over twenty years; we grew up in the same neighborhood, and his mom and mine were in the PTA together.  We were in the same high school and used to get high together a lot.  As a matter of fact, I am the one who told him about DAYTOP in the first place.  This person checked himself in, WANTED to go there.

5)  Lisa was involved with DAYTOP for longer than anybody else I've ever met, longer than Billy even.  I am surprised that Lisa remembered and wrote to me.  It took her approximately five years to graduate, and she was in Dallas, Pine Mountain, and Millbrook too.  That it took her so long to graduate is due to the fact that she split a couple of times and so was not in for a continuous five years.  That, and they kept shipping her around.  But she graduated with Zane at Dresser in '96.  Lisa is doing well now, has a decent job, and is engaged.  I do not know if she is sober or what.

I have not asked most of these people what they remember about DAYTOP or how they feel it influenced their lives, I've only asked them how their lives have gone in the last 15 years and where they are now.  So we've got a guy who is a professional fighter, another who was in a cult, another was a junkie for many years, we've got an adrenaline-seeking war junkie who works with Marines, and Lisa seems to be doing well and is about the only halfway stable one in the bunch.  She agreed with me when I told her that I think of DAYTOP as  cult, though seems to have no hard feelings.  Probably a lot about the DAYTOP experience has been repressed in all of these people, like it was in me for all those years, until I was in therapy four hours a week.

Inculcated:
SEKTO:
Those are some interesting life experiences accrued by former charges of Daytop. Cults, military, Ultimate Championship Fighter…
Damn,slashing throat while literally jumping into the fire at a rainbow gathering…
Who needs staff for a fireside if you’ve got return to sender or self destruct imbedded?

I’m glad everyone seems to be on the mend.

Thx Monsignor! :flame:

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