Woodwork Blending Society: being alone and hiding out

[try another castle]

Although my memory is fuzzy about a lot of what I was like back then, (Besides being just as dorky as I am now.) two things I do remember clearly are:

1. I loved being alone
2. I hated being *seen* alone

I was being pulled in two different directions. I wanted nothing more than to just go off by myself and draw, or read a book, or fish, but then the minute I felt eyes upon me, I feared that my "me-time" was going to be fodder for the next rap.

*Nobody* was permitted to be alone there. If you weren't on the floor during downtime, you'd better at least be playing cards with someone, or out on the courts, or in an evening class.

Just as long as you're where we can see you.

Being considered a loner at that school was the *worst* stigma. You had better chances in the popularity contest if you were someone who disclosed to every single person there that you had fucked an entire barnyard full of animals.

You're hiding out. You're isolating. No man is an island. Stop blending into the woodwork. Everyone was given some leeway, but if you were found to be "abusing" that "privilege", it would be taken away.

We got the weirdest restrictions when it came to "hiding out".

1. Bans from chess
2. Bans from reading
3. Bans from fishing
4. Bans from cards (solitaire)
5. Bans from drawing
6. Bans from specific rooms (library, weight room, conservatory, dorms)
7. Restricted to specific rooms (living room, dining room)

I remember "doing the loop" constantly, looking for someone to hang out with, just so I wouldn't be *seen* alone. What did I really want to do? Go to the library and see if there were any more Zelasney books. (Hey, that library actually had a fairly decent pulp-grade, sci-fi section. THOSE TEASES.)

And once again, CEDU "therapy" misses the mark entirely. Instead of teaching kids how to build and foster good, healthy relationships, while also establishing clear boundaries, they taught us how to perform to avoid scrutiny. Yeah, regular high school does that, too, except that there, you were permitted a significant degree of autonomy and identity.

EVeryone needs to be alone at times. That way, you can have your own thoughts, without interference. You can decompress.


I'm surprised no one was put on bans from themselves.

[Che Gookin]

In away you were put on bans with yourself.

[Anonymous]

TAC said: Everyone needs to be alone at times. That way, you can have your own thoughts, without interference. You can decompress.


CEDU's efficacy in deconstructing your identity is dependent on eliminating personal time. Distractions from reality  and group think were paramount in the Stepford paradigm of cultic control.

So, yes, as Gookin says, we were all on bans from ourselves for the duration of our stay at the KoolAid Kingdom.

[try another castle]

But see, here's my thing.

Was it like this for everyone who went there? (And I'm talking 80s/very early 90s era. This school has gone through so many changes in its dynamic... I swear)

I always wonder about all the kids who never needed to keep a "spending time" schedule. (remember those awful awful things?) They always had a large group of friends, their graduation scrapbooks were huge. They were in the minority. Did they wrestle with this issue, too? Really?

Because, in a lot of ways, this *does* sound like regular high school, doncha think?

And NO, I'm not validating RMA, so stop it. There was nothing "regular" about that experience.


I'm just more or less pointing out that RMA, despite its claims to the contrary, did *not* offer anything revolutionary or radical. It was the same old teenage drama crap, served in the woods, with the volume turned up to 11.

[Che Gookin]

In public high school anyone who tried to sit me down for raps would have gotten the shit beat out of them. So no.. you aren't validating RMA. But the social aspect of it.. hmm.. not at all similar.. Remember.. You can go home after a day of school.. You could never escape RMA. You could change your activities in high school to avoid assholes.. RMA there were everywhere.

[dishdutyfugitive]

1. I agree that it was it like this for everyone who went there 80s/very early 90s era. For the elite program few (those in student government, aka older students who supported in 3+ propheets, aka quasi-staff) well, they had a different version of that problem. Their problem was scarcity. Not scarcity of friendships, scarity of calendaria. They had too many commoner koolaidians trying to 'take up all their precious time'

2. Excellent point.
1. I loved being alone
2. I hated being *seen* alone

I was being pulled in two different directions. I wanted nothing more than to just go off by myself and draw, or read a book, or fish, but then the minute I felt eyes upon me, I feared that my "me-time" was going to be fodder for the next rap.

I'd experience these thoughts/feelings and every time I'd Inevetiably  come to the subsequent realization that "one day I know I'll have to explain this experience. The "experience" being this unique CEDU 'aloneness" syndrome. At that point absolute dread would come over me.
"If I can't explain it to myself - how the fuck can I explain it to someone else?"  Then I'd reflect on why common sense was always the enemy at CEDU. Then I'd realized that almost every aspect of CEDU's program is freakish mindfuckery.

This predicament is undeniably and intrinsicly CEDU...

The CEDU 'aloneness" stigma (or syndrome) is like an MC Escher drawing gone horribly & therapeutically wrong. An infinite series of mirrored reflections pointed back at one another.It was very unsettling. In true kool aid fashion I would resolve the cognitive dissonance generated by this syndrome by convincing myself that I wasn't getting the program and therefore realized that M/W/F raps were necessary so I could run my shit about being frustrated that I 'felt alone' and that 'others judged me for not having a full evening schedule'.

It was and still is incredibly anxiety provoking

I remember a kid being put on bans from dream interpretation & transcendental meditation.

In a very sick way, it's funny. Vis a vis the infinite and Gihbranly divine program fundamentals  and 'agreements', we were duped into being put on "bans from ourself".

[try another castle]

I remember a kid being put on bans from dream interpretation & transcendental meditation.

That's pretty telling... being put on bans from peace of mind.

Especially since I have friends who have said that meditation was really the only thing that has helped them with different kinds of mental illness.


I also didn't mean to say that RMA was like high school, cause it wasn't. More that it was enforcing a dynamic that was generally typical when it comes to popularity vs. being alone. There were popular kids, in the minority, and then there were the rest of us, kind of slogging along trying to fit in or look good, and basically just doing it to put up appearances, even though we really didn't want to.

Some of the more obnoxious stuff was when we were forced to spend time with someone we didn't want to. Now, this was the part that was definitely *not* like high school. I remember being asked to reach out to someone at the end of a rap, and there really wasn't anyone in there I wanted to be friends with, or connected with, but I had to anyway. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing. Or how about that fear that nobody would want to get you out of a propheet, so you had to make sure you had made arrangements beforehand, so that the person coordinating the "get out" process wouldn't have to make an announcement in front of the house asking for a volunteer to get you out.  "Can anyone get so-an-so out of the truth? Anyone? No?" And they'd just wait there until someone raised their hand. (Normally reluctantly.) I remember I was in that situation for my IWTL, and I was super unhappy about it. I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to get me out, and I knew there weren't any people who wanted to, either. I remember going up to the guy who was coordinating it and begging him not to make a house announcement and to try to find someone a little more clandestinely, and he said "sorry, if nobody volunteers, I'm going to have to talk to the whole house." Fucker.

The worst of the forced-friendships thing was the little brother/sister thing. I was a terrible big sister. I hated the idea of being "assigned" someone. I remember when I got my first little sister, the person (I guess from the friends committee.) came up to me and said "hey, so and so is your little sister." and I remember I didn't like that younger student too much, so I said "Oh man, fuck! You've gotta be kidding me." I was all pissed off. The friends committee person was like "Damn, what the hell is wrong with you?" My reaction shocked me just as much.

I really did not like being an older student. That was when you were given the least amount of leeway and the most amount of stigma for being a loner. An older student fishing by themselves? Why aren't you showing your little brothers or sisters how to fish? Maybe I don't want to fish with other people. Maybe I just like the fact that it's only me and the fish.

Fly-fishing was definitely my transcendental meditation.

Nowadays, every so often I get self-conscious about appearing alone in social settings, but rarely. I remember some girl came up to me when I was eating lunch by myself between classes (which I prefer, because it's me-time and I just want to eat and then get back up to lab) and I shit you not, she said "Why are you sitting by yourself?" and she sat down with me. I was totally weirded out, because the only other time I'd heard someone say that was at RMA. We started chatting, I guess. It was awkward, and even though she was very sweet, I just wanted to be left alone. We finally found some common ground when we started talking about music and discovered that we both like the Pixies, but it was still uncomfortable. I don't even remember what my answer to her initial question was. Something about "It's just lunch."

There will also be times where there will be a band, play or comedian I want to see, and I either a. don't feel like waiting to find out from friends if they want to go, cause tickets might be sold out, or b. I know that none of my friends would be interested, and I just go by myself. I recall several times when I mentioned that to my mom she would say "really? you went by yourself? good for you."

"Good for me?" WTF is wrong with people? Can't someone just do something by themselves and have it not be considered weird or a great leap of courage? Are there really that many people in the world who are so scared to be alone in their own skin for more than five minutes?


Needless to say, my "favorite" experience at RMA? My four day solo. Everyone else in my peer group was so pussified about it.. being all scared to be out there by themselves for four days. I couldn't motherfucking wait.

[Anonymous]

But see, here's my thing.

Was it like this for everyone who went there? (And I'm talking 80s/very early 90s era. This school has gone through so many changes in its dynamic... I swear)

I always wonder about all the kids who never needed to keep a "spending time" schedule. (remember those awful awful things?) They always had a large group of friends, their graduation scrapbooks were huge. They were in the minority. Did they wrestle with this issue, too? Really?

Because, in a lot of ways, this *does* sound like regular high school, doncha think?

And NO, I'm not validating RMA, so stop it. There was nothing "regular" about that experience.


I'm just more or less pointing out that RMA, despite its claims to the contrary, did *not* offer anything revolutionary or radical. It was the same old teenage drama crap, served in the woods, with the volume turned up to 11.

yup, it was like that for us in the late '90s as well. staff even called it the "voyager loop", and god forbid you got caught doing it in higher phases. I did the loop for a good month before I realized one of the students there was from my hometown (and not a complete whack-job), so I had my in. the stigma of being *seen* alone was unbearable though, and it has not left me even today. if I'm hanging out at my house alone, I feel a strange longing to have other people around, as if LaTresa herself is gonna bust down my patio door and put me on bass guitar bans. I feel it even more so when I have to take a trip to the mall or something like that alone. I used to love my alone time, now it makes me as anxious and uncomfortable as anything.

[Awake]

. Bans from fishing. 6. Bans from specific rooms (library, weight room, conservatory, dorms)

....You guys had a weight room and got to go fishing? Actually I don't care about the weight room, but fishing woulda been nice (at Cedu RS). And yeah... bans from books, check... bans from chess, check... bans from being alone, check. I never got to finish "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" come to think of it.

[try another castle]

. Bans from fishing. 6. Bans from specific rooms (library, weight room, conservatory, dorms)

....You guys had a weight room and got to go fishing? Actually I don't care about the weight room, but fishing woulda been nice (at Cedu RS). And yeah... bans from books, check... bans from chess, check... bans from being alone, check. I never got to finish "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" come to think of it.

Yeah, even though the pond was often full of more algae (pond snot) than actual water, the pond *was* stocked with, I believe a crossbreed of rainbow and steelhead. We weren't allowed to fish with barbed hooks, which I preferred to do anyway, because it's more challenging.

Fishing was one of the few respites I had at that school. I had a piece of shit rod and reel, and then Greg Springett loaned me his fly rod, so I got addicted to fly fishing.

I also had a collection of rubber bass lures. (that were totally ineffective, btw) I had names for each of them.

Needless to say, I didn't have much respect at that place.

[dishdutyfugitive]

What was the carp's name?

What did  you name your bass lures ?

[try another castle]

What was the carp's name?

What did  you name your bass lures ?

I can't remember his name, but god damn was he huge.


I also don't remember any of my lures' names, except for one. Sparkly. in an ironic sort of way. Normally I would say its name in a really weird voice and joke around with my friend about it. (She was one of the few other girls who liked to fish.)


Yes, I am weird. Even at RMA, I was weird. When I try to hide it, it just spills out the sides.