Author Topic: White Noise  (Read 1852 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Woof-a-Doof

  • Posts: 488
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
White Noise
« on: July 27, 2008, 11:26:04 AM »
Long time… no post.

Wonder why? (Rhetorically, and those willing to answer) Why is it that although I swing by this site every time I am sitting in front of my computer (not near as often as in the past, nor as much as I would wish) I read the subject lines, and there is the same post’s, nothing added to them or new ones added. Have we collectively become blasé (pardon the “straight speak”) in subjects surrounding Straight Inc and it’s profound effects on our lives.

Could it be because such a bombardment of events in each of our own lives that have left us drained, unable to compose a thought, without ability to address a memory or series of memories?

Understanding the events in past few months have made it difficult to continue with the relative ease, thanks to those who make now happen! Changing sites to address Straight Inc issues is difficult at best, for me. Discussing issues other than Straight Inc is not why I frequent message boards regarding Straight Inc and Survival of what we endured. Anything less is a waste of time for me. It is not my intent to compare and poo-poo another message board site, survival site, or alumni site to fornits. That veers from my line of thought and strays from the scope of this post.

I wonder if brainwashing techniques have been documented to note that at some point in the persons life…that they some how disassociate in some manor in an effort to deny it happened. How is it that sometimes I can look it at I squarely into the horror and other times I am almost apathetic…well…simply apathetic. Overwhelmed.

It is as if a white noise occurs disallowing me to look further or much less care to look any further into the abyss. Didn’t some one mention ‘the longer one stares into the abyss the abyss begins to stare back’? Haunted with memories, learned fears and anxieties seep into daily thought…not constant…but daily. It is easy to trace it’s etiology, it isn’t exactly rocket science to connect a series of dots in reverse chronological order directly back to Straight Inc. Yet there is this “white noise” that forbids me to go further.

Am I alone in this? Did the brainwashing that failed, is it now attacking the brainwashing that succeeded…or could it be vise versa. Obviously a brain fuck….but those who hadn’t experienced the first brain fuck could not fathom a brain fuck of this magnitude three decades after the fact. As survivors, as individual as we are, I am of the idea that we all somehow experience this same experience I am writing about to some degree or another. I am curious to know what creates this “white noise”, but more so, I am curious as to what is beyond this “white noise”…any ideas?

Om Shanti
woof
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
What is right is not always popular...What is popular is not always right

Offline 3xsaSeedling

  • Posts: 469
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2008, 01:03:17 PM »
Wow, Woof...well put.
I see the same stuff and have to force myself to post
sometimes.  This place is my 'group therapy'!

It amazes me what the mind hangs on to and what it can
'dismiss' as useless(not sure that's the right word there).
When I talk about theSeed, which is not often, I had to
search for the right thing to call it.  I've referred to it as
'rehab' for all these years.  That it was, alright.
I call them 'flashbacks', but they're not really.
I have them too occasionally, 'real' ones.
No, when Seed-era memories surface, I'm always shocked.
Mostly that I could've forgotten (like 'motivating'-I HATE
that word) or the endless hours in group, in the warehouse,
in Florida's summer heat (I HATE the heat too!!
I RAN back to NJ as fast as I could and haven't left since!).
The 'Geographical Cure' (remember THAT one?!) has worked for me
to an extent. 
It removed me from my molesters access.  I call that success.
I've also come to realize I have a hard time functioning
without seasons.  I need leaves that change colors and snow
or I 'get lost', so to speak.  Part of my Compass?
...but I wander...
I have a memory surface and have to spend MORE months
'chasing' it down.  And there's lots of 'white noise' w/it.
Considering some of the shit I've recalled, maybe the 'noise'
is just a warning to leave it alone.  Can't do a damn thing
about any of it now, can we?
I still anguish over this crap too.

I hope this thread stays...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Of all the things I\'ve ever lost, I miss my mind the most.
Wait...I found \'IT\'!!    
oh joy

"Fresh baked daily!"

Offline seamus

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 824
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2008, 03:27:18 PM »
Its like about the time it subsides,and you get some relief.some little chickenshit thing stirs it all up again.sometimes its all just like yesterday,and its not easy to talk about to those who never were there. At times Ive felt like Im fucked for life and its a real easy thing to wind up in a really dark place.Iused to blame all this shit on straight,then I blamed me,now I kinda think ok ,so this shit happened,so it sucked,so it hurt,and I start asking myself what can I change now? How can I be in the here,in the now?Since I cant truly erase this shit,how can I rise above it,dont I deserve better?Havent I paid enough?The good ol geograpical cure yep I m between Milwaukee and Chicago,two of the biggest shitholes ever  so I spend as much time as I can in rural Minnesota,mostly in winter and mostly dogsledding,then none of it matters,the only time I feel OK
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
It\'d be sad if it wernt so funny,It\'d be funny if it wernt so sad

Offline 3xsaSeedling

  • Posts: 469
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2008, 09:42:01 PM »
'Diva posted about corporal punishment.
Flashback time...
So I remember THIS episode from 1970 ( and I know why)
but can't remember ANY of the other visits to thePrincipal
(and there were LOTS).
In all fairness, I gave my parents a real working-over.
By this time, I was cutting classes (I was bored), I was a
closet drinker (BIG drinker, too), and soon I would try to
commit suicide (mostly a bid for attention) and be the vicitm
of molestation.  I was also very defiant and outspoken.
Can't blame her for trying the 'let someone else make the point'
way of thinking.  It just had the wrong effect.
So here I sit, floating along w/these memories, and suddenly...
WHITE NOISE!!
So the point here was, why can I remember this stupid, senseless
WASTE OF BRAIN SPACE??, and not other stuff (like details from
whole years?)aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Of all the things I\'ve ever lost, I miss my mind the most.
Wait...I found \'IT\'!!    
oh joy

"Fresh baked daily!"

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2008, 12:06:24 PM »
Quote from: "Woof-a-Doof"
Didn’t some one mention ‘the longer one stares into the abyss the abyss begins to stare back’?

That was Nietzche, Kraut philosopher of "God Is Dead" fame.  He was right (on both counts, the Abyss, and on God).


I dunno about the "failed" vs. "successful" brainwashing attacking each other, "I just" know that I seem pretty fucked up in the head and neurotic most of the time.

As far as what's beyond the white noise........fuckifIknow.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline 85 Day Jerk

  • Posts: 562
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2008, 01:59:28 AM »
Hey Woof, don't let it get you down.  This forum at times is much like a television station run by kindergarten kids.  The programming is at times wonderful, other times it is endless repeats, yet still other times you can't make sense of any of it and wonder why you bother tuning in at all.  To me it is much like fishing.  Most times it sucks in the end.  The only thing that really determines a good fishing expedition is what you bring with you in the first place.  If ya brought beer, hey, it don't matter WHAT you catch, you are in for a good time ya know?

I'm gonna take us back to around October or November of 1980...........

It was a good night.  A Friday night and a few of us had agreed to meet at the Central Plaza Twin Cinema to catch the Midnite Movie.  In one theatre they were playing the Warriors, and in another they were gonna show the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I had heard all kinds of crazy shit about the Rocky Horror from Robert Ward and Scott Travis.  Scott was adamant about this retired insane Korean War Vet that patrolled up and down the aisles with a fuckin HUGE pitbull with a spiked collar.  This lunatic was legendary in his appearance and always gave forth the same speil.  "I don't wanna see no goddamn toilet paper, no squirt-guns either!"  "That goes for any rice throwing too!"  "I catch any sumbitches throwing rice, an I'll throw yer ass out on yer ear!"  "Any one don't like the rules can take it up with my dog then, goddammit!"

We rolled our eyes and he finally walked back up the ramp to the rear of the theatre and took his position by the exit doors.  The theatre was fairly quiet for such a packed house.  I guess there were at least 120 teens spread out all over the place.  The theatre was pretty nice and the seats much more cushy and wider than the crap we have now.  There were even these huge red velvet curtains that would part real fancy like once the movie started.  The lights went out and I was astounded to see a huge set of bright red lips and nothing else up on the screen.  After the opening credits, we were greeted by Charles Adams, a staple of many horror films.  Before any of the ritual yelling and chanting got under way, someone yelled out something new, something original.  "Where's your fucking neck?"  I turned around and it was none other than Dave A-----son.  He made it a point to goof on the apparent lack of a neck on the narrator all through the movie, every time the guy made an appearance, and in the weeks to come it sortof caught on, and became a routine thing you yell at the screen.  This was the first time I ever saw the movie, and I really liked the music, but the soundtrack had not made it to re-release at that time, pity.  The movie also had the added feature of some real die-hard fans that would dress up and act out the parts on the floorspace in front of the screen.  I did'nt really pay much attention to them, and they were pretty unorganized seeing how this was all still a fairly new phenomenon for St. Petersburg Florida.  I did'nt really realize just how cutting edge this shit was until they did a special on it on Dateline NBC a month later.  We were just a few months behind New York City, where it started and were keeping up with the traditions in a southern style sort of way.

The movie got out and we filed out.  Several of our friends had chosen to see the Warriors, which had a shorter playing time and they were waiting for us in the parking lot.  So were alot of rowdy assholes just itching for a fight and waiting to mess with the "Cast Players" who were dressed up like freaks.  After seeing the "Warriors"  these goons thought they were real bad ass and were looking for an excuse to trash some innocent bystander.  Surprisingly, the insane Korean Vet was no where to be seen.  I got as far away from the milling crowd as I could that were still heading for their cars, when the cat calls and threats started up.  It was getting pretty tense pretty fast.  Incredibly, the guy dressed as Tim Curry started walking towards the rednecks making the most noise.  I pulled my light jacket off and walked over by a planter/median and acted like I was tying my shoe.  I placed a tennis ball sized rock in my jacket and folded it up to make a cudgel.  Anyone aiming to do me harm was in for a surprise.  Turned out to be overkill on my part, as Rocky Horror just walked up the the leader of these goons and punched him the fuck out, high heels, make-up and all.  It was pretty cool.  Next thing you know, the rednecks are heading for their cars, and the Rocky Horrors were smacking them and chasing them and shit.  It was pandemonium for a while and funny as shit to watch.  This is how the '70's came to a close in that part of the world. 

Hope you liked it.  Thats how I remember it, and I remember really feeling for Woof at the time, because he stood his ground and I am pretty sure he was totally exposed that night seeings how he came on a motorcyle, if memory serves correctly.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
Inside a warehouse behind Tyrone Mall
we walked in darkness, kept hitting the wall.
I took the time to feel for the door,
I had been \"treated\" but what the hell for?

Offline kpickle39

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 481
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2008, 04:58:39 PM »
I'm just tired.................
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Woof-a-Doof

  • Posts: 488
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2008, 08:26:59 PM »
Long post approaching...if ADD (as I am), I understand....I wouldnt read it either...Oh PPP

3xsaSeedling-Ya said,
 “It amazes me what the mind hangs on to and what it can
'dismiss' as useless (not sure that's the right word there). When I talk about the Seed, which is not often, I had to search for the right thing to call it.  I've referred to it as
'rehab' for all these years.”

Yeah, that’s part in parcel of the whole mind fuck. “It”, being Straight Inc, for myself had to be “referred to”…It was not entity that could be addressed directly; a shovel could not be called a shovel…it had to be sugarcoated. For if it were not for the sugarcoating…it would have been seen for what it was, abuse…in whole scale quantities. Agreed, many things do seem to simply surface. Like a fart bubble appears a hot tub. But seriously, as with most things that arise from shit there is an organic value. I am hard pressed to think of much of anything that that even closely resembles anything of value. In sitting quiet and closely examining the barrier of White Noise “W/N”… I, at first, also thought it some sort of warning to, as you say….”leave it alone” type of sensation. However, if there is anything worthy of investigation, I believe it to be that which rests tween my own two ears! That which holds captive part of my heart and soul compels my attention. Yet, that W/N persists, like some unseen force field. The military, secret service and other agencies have used noise in many psy ops, with tremendous effect/affect. We are not discussing something that does not exist! These are not fragments of our imagination. Yes, anguish…some experience it silently, some are more vocal…yet, I think with most of us it is a pretty even combination of both.

Seamus-ya said

“ At times I’ve felt like I’m fucked for life and it’s a real easy thing to wind up in a really dark place. I used to blame all this shit on straight, then I blamed me, now I kinda think ok, so this shit happened, so it sucked, so it hurt, and I start asking myself what can I change now? How can I be in the here, in the now? Since I can’t truly erase this shit, how can I rise above it, don’t I deserve better? Haven’t I paid enough?

This is what I am asking! Anyone, or at least I would hope “anyone” with a thinking mind has got to sooner or later come to this discovery. Call it age…call it “mellowing”…. call it “letting go”…. shit, call it “Getting Over It”! Yet we all go thru these stages and I call them ‘stages’ because it seems to me that they are cyclic in nature, the reoccurrences seem as if they were from the Dept. of the Obvious and it would appear that one would expect a sudden surge of inexplicable rage from time to time… yet each time I am caught off guard… Yeah, absolutely, “how can I rise above it?”! I also am of the school of thought that Straight Inc. and it’s legacy, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and societal-y (sp) that I am worthy, and have always been worthy of this phoenix yet to rise from the shit pit. And as I mentioned to 3xsaSeedling…I believe it’s this W/N that keeps us from fully witnessing this phoenix flinging off the shit from it’s wings and soaring! I won’t ever forget you for encouraging me to go with the kayaking. I don’t go as often as I want….but when I do….it’s almost medicinal.

3xsaSeedling –ya said
So here I sit, floating along w/these memories, and suddenly...
WHITE NOISE!!
So the point here was, why can I remember this stupid, senseless
WASTE OF BRAIN SPACE??, and not other stuff (like details from
whole years?)aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

Exactly! Clearly the “WASTE OF BRAIN SPACE” exists… our memories are peppered with detailed events that had taken place 2, 3, 4, perhaps even 5 decades ago. But try and peer deeper…. what do ya find? I found futility, desperation, worthlessness, and hopelessness…as I have said before…I was like fresh cement and Straight Inc. scrawled the word “FUCKED” … not unlike ‘The Scarlet Letter”…branded somehow. A tragedy…truly.

RTP2k3- I appreciate the clarification. No, I understand you don’t know about the  ("failed" vs. "successful" brainwashing attacking each other) concept. When we met before, it wasn’t a concept you understood at the time…however, when I introduced the ‘concept’ to ya, you quizzed me in depth…I was never ever really capable of finding the adequate words and I am sad to report, my vocabulary has not grown or changed much since then. Yet I felt that at the time you instinctively followed my idea, the concept haunted you. There was a moment of lucidity when you were in the hospital, and you said to me…”It battled inside for to long”, the word “It” referring to the concept of “the unsuccessful brainwash and the successful brainwash” tween your own ears. The emotion was conveyed…. but words never really struck the target. Perhaps the skilful will put the words to the emotion.

85DJ- That movie theater was always a trip. I never went there with eyes shut! Certainly wasn’t a glamorous event…but I wasn’t a glamorous kinda guy. But I do recall desperately wanting to be a part of “something”. Neither of the two movie types really appealed to me…but it’s what we all did on a Fri/Sat nite…with stupid shit to follow…of course.

Kpickel39 ya said- I’m just so tired…………
I hear ya….no doubt! It is as if the incline on a treadmill has been adjusted, along with the tempo. And you’re expected to maintain!
Keep Up! Do you part! Step up to the plate! Man Up!
What a crock of shit….no pun towards dave crock (which is to me, another piece of shit) I digress…My friend, you are not alone! Besides W/N, I have also found “fatigue”, “hunger” and frankly a lot of other somatic symptom issues…but its all before I am capable of going any further…Intuitively I know there is more…its one of those things I can not “prove” and are far from a scientific…I just kinda know…better said…I sense it.

Yet as before, my words fall way short…and oddly way too long, my apologies. I'll get off my soap box now  ::deadhorse::

Namaste
woof
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
What is right is not always popular...What is popular is not always right

Offline seamus

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 824
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2008, 02:39:43 PM »
OK I dunno If Im just talking out my ass BUT, here goes....Remember when your program days were done? There was NOBODY around to give you the slightest incling of how to really live,how to be in the rest of the world with any degree of dignity or "functionallity",so some of us(especially me) became "worse off" as far as drugs,and how we lived.I started to believe there was nothing out there of any value,once OF MY OWN INDEPENDANT THOUGHT  I figured out just to the extent the whole straight experience was an illusion ,only a short misleading mind-fuck,like a fishbowl that only matters to the few stupid goldfish that live INSIDE it. To an outside observer,it means nothing,or at least little.To anybody who has not  been there,(pay attention Sue Scheff, you too Who) it becomes like trying to explain to a blind man what blue is.Other people just have no point of reference.
 And the whole DEADINSANEINJAIL thing was merely propaganda meant to keep you in denial.I mean just this:Dead? well shit every living thing dies.Jail?(id already been there) and while it was bad ,I got thru it.INSANE well to listen to all the hyperbole,and see belt looping,arm-flapping and teen-agers singing goddamn nursery rymes,at this point I gotta say the term "sanity" in this context,is at best relative, mostly semantical and if that is sanity,Im all for crazy.
 So this brings me to here and now,by my choice,I havent used narcotics in 20+ years,I only rarely smoke pot,I mean maybe every 2-3 years,I do drink some times,but its only an issue if I do it out of anger/depression.but this is how I decided to live,me...I decided.And mostly Im OK with that.No 7 steps,no program,
no ware house full of armflapping yahoos.me ...without coercion,no self-important,self deluded,little tin gods holding my liberties hostage in return for compliance.I used to be full of nightmares,wake up still thinking I was in a warehouse,or some foster situation,but that has subsided over time.
Do I call my self "STRAIGHT"???? Fuck no I call myself human.I have gotten myself a life IN SPITE of (or maybe JUST TO SPITE ) the soul crushing shit we had to endure.
    See every day I am OK,I win and those rotten cocksuckers lose....but nobody was around to tell me this when my program days were done,so If by chance somebody reads this ,I hope it gives you some hope,(god knows your program didnt)
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
It\'d be sad if it wernt so funny,It\'d be funny if it wernt so sad

Offline seamus

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 824
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: White Noise
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2008, 04:19:11 PM »
Im gonna post this little story,about a moments perfect peace.
               Last winter I was in rural Michigan,at a Dogsled race. I couldnt sleep so I stepped outside to my dog truck to have a smoke,and check my dogs.I ts like 3 am the weather was maybe 10-20 below with the wind chill,blowing the fine,  grainy snow around,and the moon was full,lo and behold 3 or my dogs were awake.I looked across wolf lake and knew that about there on the banks of the frozen lake ,a snowmobile trail started,so I took my sled off the top of the truck
attached my gangline set the snow hook and harnessed 7 dogs,putting my favorite dog ,Ruckus,up front in lead.Iput my I -pod on and pulled the hook."lets go fellas"I said and off we went into the bright,winters night.I got the dogs out on to the frozen lake and headed toward the trailhead on the far side.Up the bank and into th woods we went,the only sounds were the crisp crunch of snow under the sleds runners,and the breathing of my dogs.The woods looked like something from a dream ,branches covered in a fine,reflective coating glistening in the full moon. I cannot explain the sheer perfection of the silvery world I was just flowing thru.The lack of pressure,and the nearly overwealming simple joy of that run was fucking amazing.........so when woof-a-doof talks about somthing that is medicinal.........I know 'zactly what he means...point being take time to do stuff..to live ....to be in the here and now . Some times things are only about a minute's perfect peace
                                                                                      Seamus
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
It\'d be sad if it wernt so funny,It\'d be funny if it wernt so sad