Author Topic: Fornits "Lighter Side"  (Read 1774 times)

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Offline TheWho

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Fornits "Lighter Side"
« on: February 13, 2008, 04:58:37 PM »
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ’Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That’s right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said ’I Have a Dream’?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That’s right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said ’Ask not, what your country can do for you’?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That’s right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2008, 05:11:34 PM »
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Botched Programming

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2008, 05:52:22 PM »
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Froderik

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2008, 06:05:42 PM »
Quote from: "Botched Programming"


Wha...? I don't get this, Botched...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Botched Programming

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2008, 07:01:18 PM »
Look at the hat.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2008, 07:37:59 PM »
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2008, 07:42:01 PM »
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend´s act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he´s only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren´t?"
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2008, 11:16:58 AM »
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, He sure did," said the cop and smiled.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2008, 12:37:38 PM »
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won’t be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

’’I got 17 people to get off drugs,’’ says the first guy.

’’Wow, how’d you do that?’’ asks the judge.

’’I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.’’

’’Oh, that’s nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.’’

’’Wow. How’d you do that?’’ asked the judge.

’’Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...’’



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2008, 03:56:23 PM »
Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I?m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don?t you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2008, 08:49:43 PM »
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It’s a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."



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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline DieYuppieSkum

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2008, 10:39:23 PM »
notice how you and you ALONE are the only person that has been contributing to this thread with the sole exception of Botched?.

Just let it fucking Die Already
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Froderik

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2008, 12:43:51 AM »
How many Straightlings does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2008, 07:54:59 PM »
Quote from: "Froderik"
How many Straightlings does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline TheWho

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Re: Fornits "Lighter Side"
« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2008, 08:19:59 PM »
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »